Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this relationship is dead 😞

9 replies

TeddyisMydog · 07/03/2022 11:19

Been with my partner 6 years next month, 4 children together.
Youngest child is only 3 months old, I was sterilised at the time of her birth. Found out that it hasn't worked and I was pregnant then miscarried (just to set the background)

In October he told me he felt like just a person who had completely lost his identity. He said we had got lost in being parents that we weren't romantic towards each other and it was like having a best friend (3 children at the time with no family support so date nights alone time wasn't ever a thing)

I had a gut feeling he was speaking to someone else so I checked his phone, admittedly I got obsessed with doing it.
He was speaking to a lady he had known for years and for some reason chose that time to admit he did used to have feelings for her, she ended up in hospital and he went behind my back (didn't tell me until I checked his phone and seen the messages) and got her sweets, magazines, Teddy bear and dropped them at the hospital which annoyed me to no end as I was in hospital the previous week with a suspected DVT and I didn't so much as get a "are you okay" text Sad

FF to now, I can't really forget the messages, we aren't happy, we get about half an hour together a day, we can barely have a conversation because the kids will be there interrupting.
I've completely lost myself due to having my 4th, depression has hit like I've never experienced. I go days without showering, I can't be bothered watching TV I don't find joy in anything

I don't really know what I want from posting here, please be kind as I'm extremely fragile. We were supposed to be getting married next year and I don't know how to get back on track Sad

OP posts:
Cognoscenti · 07/03/2022 11:34

Is there anyone who could watch your children, even the older 3 if you don't want to leave baby, even for an hour or 2? I ended up miserable because I was going around in old, unflattering clothes with my hair tied back, feeling (and probably looking) awful because I just wanted time to take care of myself and appearance and it was just non-stop (less than 18 months between my 2 and oldest isn't even 2.5 yet, so it's quite full-on!). Admittedly I didn't like being away from them, but I've taken a few hours while my partner stays with them to get things like my hair and nails done for the first time in years, and I feel a lot better. It doesn't have to be that in particular, even just something like taking a bath in peace, I find it helps.
I say this because I have had depression, and found that it's important to focus on yourself to start feeling better. If you haven't already, speak to your GP to see if they can offer help. I was offered CBT and put to the top of the list because I had a young baby at the time - they may do similar for you, if you want to try it. It may be medication or another form of therapy is what helps you.

It's just my opinion, but I would focus on feeling better in yourself first, so you can find time to shower and get a routine back so you don't feel so low. I've found that problems arising due to not getting much time together are common, but do you want to work on that? From what you've said, he doesn't sound very nice or supportive at all. Fawning over another woman when she is unwell and ignoring you while in hospital is so disrespectful, and it sounds like he's given you trust issues (from checking his phone). Potentially fixing any relationship issues depends on if you want to, first of all.

Hankunamatata · 07/03/2022 11:39

4 children in relatively short space of time does test relationships to breaking point. I'd go for self care first. Get to gp make sure your being well supported - medication if you feel it's right and counselling. Then you need to talk to him. I'd put off getting married and consider relationship counselling.

Original poster
TeddyisMydog · 07/03/2022 11:45

We have 1 family member who will watch the baby while the others are at school/nursery but due to the timing of them going in, we only get two hours before school pick up, we don't drive either so it's quite limited to where we can go.
I tried to get a childminder but it is so expensive we don't have that kind of money.

Just to add I no longer feel the need to check his phone, he doesn't speak to this lady anymore and has shown me that he blocked her.

I did try 3 different anti depressants but they made me feel even worse

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 07/03/2022 11:54

Oh blimey you sound like you've been through a lot in a short space of time. No wonder you've hit a crisis point, relationships aren't easy and these times are when it really bites. You need to properly talk to each other, you NEED time to nurture your relationship otherwise you won't have one. You need to get back on track to being a team and work together.
I really feel for you. This sounds so so hard. You do need to get some assistance and get yourself feeling better though, for your own wellbeing.

Original poster
TeddyisMydog · 07/03/2022 11:55

I truly don't know if I want to save this relationship and that makes me really sad as at one point I couldn't imagine the future without him.
Ultimately the children need to come first but I'm scared for them. Just knowing their personalities they would find it extremely hard if one of us moved out Sad do children get over that type of trauma?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeddyisMydog · 07/03/2022 12:05

@OrlandointheWilderness

Oh blimey you sound like you've been through a lot in a short space of time. No wonder you've hit a crisis point, relationships aren't easy and these times are when it really bites. You need to properly talk to each other, you NEED time to nurture your relationship otherwise you won't have one. You need to get back on track to being a team and work together. I really feel for you. This sounds so so hard. You do need to get some assistance and get yourself feeling better though, for your own wellbeing.
We used to be a proper team and I don't really know what happened Sad Even when we had our third child, the health visitor said she had never seen such a strong couple, we don't argue, night feeds were always shared without even having to discuss it, he was always a more hands on parent than I could be (thanks for that depression!) but then October came around and he said he feels like he has lost himself, that at the end of the day he feels touched and talked out. That he just wants to put the kids to bed and go to the gym (I.e not spend time with me)

Admittedly the 4th baby wasn't planned, it took me a long time to decide what I wanted. It took him longer to come around to the idea but she's here and thriving and he is just as hands on as he has always been. It's just our relationship that is suffering Sad
I find it amusing although it's really not, when he comes in the door now the first people he greets are the children, the dog then me 😭😂
The dog 1000% gets more attention from him than I do, I think that tells me everything tbh Sad

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 07/03/2022 12:11

I think your depression is making you feel this is a write-off when actually it sounds pretty normal (if horrible) for a couple with 4 kids presumably 5 and under? It's never going to be the most joyful time in your life.

What's a different matter is his lack of care towards you. That's not the kind of standard you should expect from your life partner and the father of your children. You need to assert what you expect and want from him, but at the same time try to allow each other time - however rare - to be alone, have a break etc.

Original poster
TeddyisMydog · 07/03/2022 14:36

@BowerOfBramble

I think your depression is making you feel this is a write-off when actually it sounds pretty normal (if horrible) for a couple with 4 kids presumably 5 and under? It's never going to be the most joyful time in your life.

What's a different matter is his lack of care towards you. That's not the kind of standard you should expect from your life partner and the father of your children. You need to assert what you expect and want from him, but at the same time try to allow each other time - however rare - to be alone, have a break etc.

He definitely gets more alone time than I do, he is out at work for 5 hours then when my younger children go to nursery he goes to the gym I went to do the food shop yesterday and still had 2 children with me! (not that food shopping is alone time to even begin with!)

Baby has been awake since the early hours too which makes it so much harder to get any spare time together

OP posts:
Number97 · 07/03/2022 15:12

I have 3 kids so I know how exhausting and relentless it can be, you have my full sympathy and understanding of the situation. But (and I know it does not feel like it right now!), IT WILL get better as they get older. I am not saying that your relationship will suddenly snap back into being like it was pre kids but over time, the sunshine will appear through the clouds again.
Take each day as it comes you are doing you're very best and there's not much more you can do than that Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page