Is soft ghosting a thing, and how did you deal with it?

[SuzieSwot]

I've been trying to figure out what happened to an important friendship I've had, started about 6 years ago. I think I've been soft ghosted - she hasn't cut contact and still keeps in touch (school mum so see her lots) and we are part of a big group that goes out lots.

But, for the last year she never meets me alone (before we met almost daily for walks or at weekends dinner or drinks, we used to plan stuff lots too) and doesn't really engage much anymore. I don't know what I've done, think she's grown bored of me, and she also has a newer friend who is very different to me who seems to have filled the space I used to. But she still keeps friendly with me, relatively frequent texts, invitations to lunch and lavish gifts on birthdays. It's like really mixed messages. I don't want fancy gifts, I just miss our friendship.

I'm assuming she feels she doesn't really want our friendship but feels guilty so doesn't want to dump me outright. I feel I can't ask as we're so intertwined with school stuff, group friendships, book club...I feel if I leave all of these I'll have nothing left. I'm 47 and it's hard starting again.
I just feel it's so fake, and my self worth has been hit as it just feels like a pity friendship if that makes sense. I'm also not from the area we live in whereas she is.

I don't really want to confront her as she's actually done nothing wrong, and I'd seem pathetic. I'm trying to distance myself, but it's hard when I see her at school and will do for a few years to come.

Any advice please?

I have a friend who I really care for and definitely is a good friend still, but I have had to take a step back, for various reasons. Are either of you dealing with a lot? Are your children friends and could there be a problem there?

Ah I really feel you here. A good friend did this to me before cutting me off completely and both hurt just as badly. It’s maddening and hurtful wondering what you’ve “done” but it very much might be a them issue.

Was it a sudden change in relationship which might hint at some event changing the relationship (could be something in her life or something different)? Or was it a slow cooling and changing of the relationship?

It's fine for relationships to change over time, it's normal and to be expected in long term relationships. Are there other things going on in your life that means some of your self worth has become dependent on this relationship?

If you want to pull back then just attend the group meetings that you want to however if you wanted to try and regain the previous relationship (might not be worth it) then maybe suggest meeting up one day with the kids. No pressure, maybe just a walk or the park etc. If she fobs you off or ignores then you know where you stand and that you've made the effort but can put the relationship to bed.

I will admit I've ghosted someone in the past albeit in different circumstances. They were being pushy at a time my mental health was not good, I made them aware of the stress of this particular pushing (general friendship was fine, was being pushy about career stuff) was getting too much. Eventually I stopped replying to all messages as I couldn't cope and she wouldn't respect that this certain topic was of limits. It doesn't sound like something like this has happened in your relationship but I'm just saying why I chose to ghost a good friend.

I think friendships change over time and ebb and flow. It sounds like she still cares about your friendship as she texts you, buys your birthday presents, etc. Seeing each other daily for walks is a lot for anyone, she's probably just backing off a little as she maybe felt it was too much. I would just carry on, be friendly, go to all the events that you want to go to, but focus on building other friendships too.

I have friends that I still very much care about but have withdrawn from, for various reasons.

I'm really sorry to hear how much it's affecting you. Sometimes it's not about something you've "done" but more about the shifting and evolving nature of relationships.

In fairness, in the past I’ve done this. If I have a friend who I really like but need a break from (for whatever reason), I’ll arrange to see them in a group for a bit. This is really more about me than the other person - I don’t really like very intense friendships.

From what you’ve written (you met almost daily), I wonder if this was too intense for her. Can you spend time with others in the group? It may be that her stepping back a bit will mean that she remains your friend

Thanks for your replies and good advice. She was the driver of the regular meet-ups more than me funnily enough, I was careful at the start but we never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Now I feel like she's an ex boyfriend I stutter and stumble with.

I wish I knew what I'd done as I've always tried to be a good friend. I did have an illness, around the time I first noticed the shift, that meant I could no longer do a sport we used to frequently do together. I know when I was young I distanced myself from a couple of people who were exhausting me, like leaning on me way more than I knew would ever be reciprocated so I eased back. But they were not close friends. And I didn't continue to give them massive gifts and send messages. It's the mixed messaging that I'm finding really frustrating because it feels so confusing as I get lulled back into thinking we're still friends. But I know deep down we're not.

I have intentionally soft ghosted someone I'm afraid. Like you describe, I now try to only see her in a larger group and never one on one. She is in a similar larger friendship group to me, as well as her children in the same class so I have friends in common etc.
I decided to modify my relationship with her not because she changed particularly, but because I changed. I found it increasingly difficult to be the person I wanted to be around her because her beliefs are very different to mine and she would try and engage in behaviour I wished to avoid. (In my case an example would be her being bitchy and generally nasty about friends and their children we both know).
In my case I was going through a difficult time with personal issues in the family, and I realised that I didn't want to share this with her, therefore I remained close with the people I felt able to share this information with.
I'm not saying that you have necessarily done anything bad. It may be that she's going through something, and prefers to deal with it with others.
I personally still think my friend has good qualities, but I dilute her , to me " negative" qualities, by only seeing her in larger groups where I'm not forced to listen/engage in things I don't agree with. In the future, if I feel up to it, I hope to be able to speak up against things I dislike, even in a one on one situation but I've had to preserve my mental health and energy for the moment.

Having read your recent reply, possibly it was your illness that made her take a step back. Obviously, if this were the case it would have been nice if she had supported you, but maybe she, for whatever reason, didn't feel she could.
This is clearly speculation on my part, but it might be something that she couldn't explain without seeming an unkind person or friend. That embarrassment could lead to not wanting to spend one on one time with you.

Thanks Seashell. It's really interesting to hear your perspective. It's funny as lots of her opinions bothered me over time but I let them slide as we had so much fun, but the cattiness became more obvious too, and now I know I've probably been ripped apart, as she did it to most other people while being lovely to their faces. Anyhow I guess I've ignored many red flags, which is a big lesson. So while I suppose I miss the fun, it probably wasn't a healthy friendship anyhow.

I'm glad that you can see the up side to this change in relationship. I think that it's better to encourage more positive friendships elsewhere, and you will get much more out of them.
In my case, while my children were little , they and friend's children both got on so the socialising was more based on that than actually being similar in attitude. I feel much better now that's there's not such a close friendship, I bet you will too!

Thanks Seashell

Found this thread which has been helpful for me as I navigate similar friendship dynamics. Curious where you are at now with her and how you are feeling about it?

I like this thread. I don’t think we talk about female friendships enough on here.

Hi, this is funny to go back to this a few years later. Well...I wish I could say it's all been good, but it's been horrible. Things rumbled on for a while, then I just had to distance myself as it was so fake. I lost a family member and she knew and didn't say anything at school gates when she was v near (and knew via a mutual friend), and she'd met him lots of times, and she has no trouble expressing sympathies, but a week later came over at a party in front of lots of people, planting a big kiss, saying unfortunately she wouldn't be able to make the funeral. I was just so flustered I didn't know what to say. Shortly after I just stopped being anywhere near her and not going to any events she'd be at. And then I found out I'd been excluded from the group and heard she'd told people not to associate with me as I wouldn't be invited to anything anymore.
So...it's been shit but I've focused on my genuine, nice friends. I'm lucky to have a few. I've lost mutual friends in the process though, but I now see them for what they were. What's hurt most is my son has been excluded from her son's life, and they were good friends.
It still hurts, but I wish I'd addressed it sooner, although with hindsight, while I knew something was up, I had no proof and I can imagine she'd have turned things on me.

Gosh, I’m really sorry to hear that. That sounds much nastier than your first post. Drifting away from someone is forgivable but telling others not to hang out with you is not. It’s also a really peculiar thing for an adult to do.

Yeah she sounds nasty and also strange. I just can’t bear adult women who behave like high school mean girls, it’s embarrassing for them I think. Yay for your genuine friends.