AIBU? Coping with death of a friend.

[2010Aussie]

I received a letter at the weekend from the daughter of a long-standing friend (25 years +) to say that she had died last month after a 10 month illness. The funeral had already taken place.

The friend had moved away a few years ago and we had kept in touch by letter and phone call. We exchanged Christmas and Birthday cards last year but I had no idea that she was even ill. I am struggling to come to terms with
a) Losing her
b) That she didn't want to tell me that she was terminally ill and certainly didn't want to see me and
c) That I wasn't invited to the funeral.

Obviously it is up to people how they deal with their imminent demise but I am particularly upset that the family didn't seem to want to invite me to be at the funeral. I have written to them to offer my condolences but I am struggling to get closure.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

No not at all, that must be really painful. I’m sorry for your loss.

No real advice just sympathy, this happened to my Mum recently when her oldest friend of 70 years +, died suddenly and her husband didn't tell my mum until after the funeral. It was what he wanted but not what my Mum's friend would have wanted.

I am sorry your friend has died and that you did not know she was ill. I have moved many times in my life and have many people I am in touch with only briefly from time to time. I

I know what it's like to grieve the death of someone who has died far away and and feel sadness because a once close friend no longer feels able to share details of their life with you. I also know what it feels like to not want to share because the person will not be in a position to really help. I recently turned down an opportunity to meet up with a once close friend because I couldn't face sharing the details of my life which are difficult at the moment or turning up and pretending everything is fine.

It is hard and is sad, but try to see it from inside of her challenges and her family's pain rather than as a reflection of you or your friendship.

I don't think YABU at all. My one thought though is perhaps your letters and phone calls were your friend's last remaining sense of normality, and she didn't want to lose that. Maybe everything else in her life was cebtred around her illness, and she enjoyed maintaining the usual relationship she had with you. This doesn't make your grief or lack of closure any easier, but I'd hold some hope that your relationship gave her comfort at the end of her life. I'm really sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP. Is there a grave or memorial stone you could visit and take flowers?

My dm had something similar. I think in my dm’s case the deceased friend’s family were in a quagmire of grief and so only had a small funeral, the lady who died was well known in the area and I doubted they wanted a large do

I haven't lost a friend like this but I did have a friend stop responding to contact during the first lockdown.
She lives a long distance away from me and her family/other old friends and stopped responding to contact, I thought it was Covid depression and just dropped light contact every now and then. Thinking I would wait for her.
She recently responded to a message to say she has been through serious illness and recovery and just couldn't communicate while going through it.
I do understand as I also have been through serious illness, but she was a great support to me at the start of my treatment and I feel sad that I couldn't do the same for her.
If her treatment wasn't successful I would have been in the same position as you.
I am sorry for your loss but please don't think this lessens your friendship or you were done wrong by
We are all different and while some people need others when in distress others need to lick their wounds alone. Also serious illness and the medical treatments for it often leave people with much less energy and mental acuity then they had.
I am an extrovert but during harsh treatment only had the energy for one conversation a day really and even now that I can work full-time I just don't have the energy to also speak to people much even though I love them and enjoy it.

You're not being unreasonable for being upset, but please be consoled that the decision to not keep you up to date would only ever have been about what your friend wanted.

My parent has MND, it's fucking evil. At their request we've kept the diagnosis pretty private so only people who interact with us regularly and face to face know. It'll be that way until they pass away and their funeral will be private.

This isn't intended as a slight against anyone who has affection for my parent, but is genuinely about giving my parent the control that they need over whatever time they have left.

No matter how it all happens, someone hurts because the family are trying to do the right thing

Very sorry for your loss.
I can understand how hurt you are.
I know when my dad was terminally ill he became very insular. He only wanted very close family around him as he felt and looked terrible. I don’t think he could have coped with any other visits both from a physical and emotional perspective.

I'm sorry, this must be so difficult for you. I have a old friend who almost died and I was completely unaware until she wrote me a letter with my birthday card some months later. Had she died, her children wouldn't have thought to let me know as they live a long way away and we don't see the children,just her (single parent) once in a blue moon. I've seen her since and she said she was struggling so much day to day with being very ill and worrying about her children, letting friends know didn't cross her mind. Had she died, I'd have been in the same position as you, although I'd be feeling guilty about not seeing more of her rather than feeling bad I hadn't been invited to the funeral. Unless you and the DC were very close then I'd feel bad about not being invited too.

That's very painful, sorry to hear this OP. You didn't get a chance to talk to her nor to say goodbye at the funeral. It must've a shock and you feel a bit lost as she was an important part of your life and history.

Maybe you can find out where they scattered her ashes or buried her so that you can take a trip to say a goodbye and tell her how sad you were to find out she was so ill and hadn't felt able to tell you. Sometimes people shit down with bad (end of life) news and can't face anything.

My Dsis refused to talk about it nor to write a will when she found out she was dying & had little time left. She absolutely blanked everything and only spoke about when she could come to stay with me ( she never made it as deteriorated fast). She was the most sensible practical of women but even she couldn't face it at the end.

Hopefully your friend had her family around her right up to the end. I had a few distant people she knew that we didn't know of and who hadn't heard, complain to me that we had t contacted them- but we'd contacted hundreds of people (this wasn't during covid time which is even more restricted).

Im glad you're being understanding. A couple of my Dsis old friends who were not on fb, were really horrible to my parents and I, forgetting that we were re grieving and devastated took, had done so much and had enough to do, without having to go through her house whilst she was barely alive to find out friends in old address books or old letters. (I only used her new one , fb, and asking other friends to contact friends or friends for the funeral, that was enough with organising funeral too).

It might not have been just you, I wonder did she drop contact with all her friends? It could have been an unusual response to being diagnosed with a terminal illness

He only wanted very close family around him as he felt and looked terrible. I don’t think he could have coped with any other visits both from a physical and emotional perspective.

This is very insightful as this is what happened to my Dsis. I was with her the last few weeks and constantly the last 4 days and she couldn't cope with other peoples tears, questions and none of us could cope with saying the same thing over and over and the same questions.

We were asking other family and friends people to pass it on and to make it quick visits if they planned to visit her. I had one distant family member who I said to you need to visit in next two days if you want to see her. But that person saying she had a busy weekend and would stop by hospice the following week on the Thursday "when she didn't work" then "told me off" that my Dsis died before then. As if "come now Sat or Sunday as she's at the end" was not clear enough.
This isn't relevant to you OP but it gives you a bit of insight into how fraught it can be for family at the end - other people who aren't in close contact circle do and will get missed because it is a terrible time.

I am really sorry for your loss OP. The lack of closure sounds really hard. The unfortunate thing is having to rely on people with no context of the relationship to tell you. When my dad died, my DM went to great lengths to tell people (by handwritten letter or in the next Christmas card if a not regular correspondent) who knew him. But she did say it was quite a mammouth and sad task. Maybe the children were too sad or in shock to be able to cope with this task when your friend died.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

If it helps to have some context I lost both my Dad and a close friend to cancer a while ago now. Although both were ill for a while (one for several years the other months) and we knew they were 'terminal' for a while, we didn't know how long that would be. Both had periods of thinking they had more time. Both times, dealing with getting them to treatments alongside juggling work and children was time-consuming and overwhelming. Treatment for them was tiring, made them feel worse and they had little energy over for anything else. It was also hard work dealing with the emotions from friends - we were tired and emotional ourselves and having a constant stream of people in person and on the phone was quite overwhelming. I'm sure there were probably people we missed with updates but it was all quite a blur. The same with letting people know about the funerals. In my friend's case for quite a while only her family and I knew she was terminally ill as she just couldn't cope with it all.

I hope you can visit and pay your respects at the grave or where the ashes are scattered.