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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that i can switch my phone off at night??

18 replies

newnamefornewyearbookwormmum · 04/01/2008 12:23

Longish story but I broke up with a dp a few weeks ago. He wants us to get back together again but certain things have to change before this could happen (basically, I'm on a hiding to nothing that this will happen ).

He's not well at the moment and rang me to let me know. I gave the usual advice, keep warm, drink plenty of fluids etc and then he rang off but not before he'd said he might ring me in the middle of the night - he's prone to panic attacks about his health and was on A-Ds for this, this time last yaer. I said that I may not hear the phone as I would probably be asleep but that if I did hear it, I would pick up!

A little while later, being more than half-asleep I totally forgot about this conversation and switched my phone off since i was worried about it overheating in the cover (sounds odd but it's true). So he rings at 5.30am and finds the phone off. He's now accused me of lying about saying I'd take any calls and when I said about my silly fear of the phone catching fire, he called this vindicating. I don't even live near him - his Mum is 5 minutes down the road so if it was a real emergency, I couldn't help anyway. I appreciate he was upset or whatever this morning to find my phone was off....(I have regularly been 'in trouble' with him for doing this sort of thing in the past which naturally I got tired very quickly) but get over it!! Or am I being UR?

OP posts:
colditz · 04/01/2008 12:25

He has evidently forgotten that you have split up. Would he ring anyone else in the middle of the night? If no, he should not be doing it to you - if yes, let him do so then!

You do not have to remain available for your ex unless you want to.

yaNBU

tribpot · 04/01/2008 12:27

So you're not even with this guy and he expects you to be available to take his calls at 5:30 a.m.? Why? Maybe point out NHS Direct are available 24*7!

You didn't say you'd take his call, you said if you heard the phone you would pick up. You didn't hear the phone. No lie has been told. I think the turning off in case it catches fire is probably a bit extreme but it's your bloody phone, turn it off if you want to!

Wisteria · 04/01/2008 12:30

Why don't you just tell him your phone will be off as it is night time and therefore you will be sleeping!?

You then follow it up with a reiteration of the ultimatum you have given him over getting back together - as you have split up then it is not reasonable for him to be ringing you in the middle of the night full stop. If he changes what needs to change and you get back together then that may be revised but at present you are not responsible for him or his mental health.

oh and no you are definitely not being unreasonable, but he is.....

VictorianSqualor · 04/01/2008 12:34

You're not being unreasonable at all.

Keep it switched off.

mumblechum · 04/01/2008 12:34

I can see why you split up.

Sounds like an utter drip

alicet · 04/01/2008 13:41

ditto everyone else who says that you shouldn't need to be available to this man at anytime (unless you have children together) much less at 5.30am!!! Unless you want to of course. He is incredibly unreasonable

bookwormmum · 04/01/2008 14:10

No we don't have children together but even if we did, I'm still entitled to my sleep.

Wisteria · 04/01/2008 14:58

what's having children together got to do with it (unless the children are staying with him and there is an emergency)?

It's 5.30am, never a good or reasonable time to call anyone!

littleolwinedrinkerme · 04/01/2008 15:04

If you want to keep the peace then keep it switched on but switch to 'silent' so he thinks its ringing and you are fast asleep!

FlameNFurter · 04/01/2008 15:07

Why did you break up?

bubblagirl · 04/01/2008 15:09

i can see that this would annoy you but for someone who was in love and felt needy and our relationship broke down it was really hard for me to not want to contact still as i loved him and liked him being there for me

i would speak to him politely and say that you still care dont make him think there is a chance if there isnt otherwise he will rely on you more

as he suffers from depression i feel sorry for him as depression is so isolating anyway without losing the person you loved and needed

i think calling him a drip is a bit harsh as depression is not nice for anyone and if it was a woman then more compassion would be taken,
he is in love and sufering but he needs to be told that there is no chance by saying if im awake i'll answer call he would think you are offering to be there

be honest with him i'm turning my phone off i dont think we can make things work i'll help as much as i can but i cant be there as much for you

bookwormmum · 04/01/2008 15:36

He hasn't got depression per se but he was on A-Ds last year for panic attacks due to stress at work (he has since changed his job and is in fact earning stacks more money as he is now self-employed). I actually think he's been a tad self-indulgent over being ill - that sounds harsh but plenty of people live on their own and cope when they're ill without having to disturb everyone else's sleep (he knows that I had to work today). If he cared for me, he'd want me to get some quality sleep myself surely? Why make two people suffer?

bookwormmum · 04/01/2008 15:52

FWIW, we broke up since he refused to tell his parents that a) we got engaged last Aug and he doesn't want me to work but rather keep house for him.

bohemianbint · 04/01/2008 16:02

Sounds like he's BU!

I always turn my phone off every night no matter what, because if I don't, drunk people phone me up in the wee small hours and piss me right off! There's nothing worse than being woken up in the night, and unless it's my DS I get really annoyed about it!

bohemianbint · 04/01/2008 16:03

Hmmm...having read why you split - perhaps you could change your phone number?

bookwormmum · 04/01/2008 16:06

I can just set his number to auto reject . I didn't really want to do that though.

bohemianbint · 04/01/2008 16:07

oooh, that's clever! Do all phones do that?

bookwormmum · 04/01/2008 16:10

My old Samsung did - it'll be under phone settings or voice call settings and you can nominate the numbers you want and then activate it. I've only had this particular handset about 4 days so I'm still finding my way around it!!

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