Mediation worry - has anyone been through it?

[Ellerehj]

I'll try to keep this post as to the point as I can - it's a long story. Not sure if I've posted this under the right subject either. I just need some clarity

Split up with my ex 3 years ago. Things have been awful and toxic ever since and we share our 6yo DS

Over the years he has continually been a shitty parent. A few examples include :

Leaving him in a car alone while he went shopping
Letting his 12yo sister take him to a park alone which is well known be dangerous (drug dealing, people have been attacked there)
Forgot to pick him up from school on multiple occasions
Took him on holiday with his family and left him there with his parents because he couldn't cope with him
Dropped him him home early on multiple occasions because he said he didn't know how to entertain him (a lot during lockdown)
Just generally a harsh bully to me and him

Of course there are two sides to every story but he speaks to me in such a vile way infront on my son, screaming, swearing he doesn't care.

Now he wants to go to mediation to try and get 'equal parenting rights'

I've always tried to be fair and I know DS needs his dad around. But I'm so worried about it all. He makes up lies about me all the time and I'm just petrified of anyone taking my son away from me. I know this is highly unlikely but I have awful anxiety and could really use some perspective from anyone who's been through mediation.

It's all come about because he wants to take him abroad. But how can I trust someone like this? AIBU

I had mediation with my ex and it was very useful - focused on getting agreement. My ex used it as an opportunity to moan and bitch and complain but mediator was very good with him, and totally got what he was really like.

It was stressful, but definately worth it. You don't have to agree to mediated agreement, you can go to court if you can't come to an agreement - or if the agreement breaks down.

You can't make him be a decent father though - he may talk the talk during mediation, and fight for access he'll never actually use.

I think it worked for me as i focused on the results - to agree maintenance and an access calendar i could live with. You could agree basic ground rules eg picking him up from school when he's supposed to, and then next time he doesn't he's breaking the agreement, not just letting your son and you down.

You should keep a diary of incidents of him dropping your son back early, failing to collect etc, so if you do end up in court - which is not the end of the world - you have evidence to show that he is not a responsible parent. Hooefully the school can back you up in showing that his father is a repeat no-show at collection time.

Could be worth getting a consultation with a family law solicitor too at this stage - i met with one before mediation and it was worth it to get some decent advice, and got them to review the agreement before i signed it.

I know it can be very scary, but try not to be too anxious - he's not going to get custody of your son, and to be honest i'd say he doesn't actually want it, he's doing this to get at you.

@Iamnotin thank you so much for your advice. That's definitely put my mind at ease a little x

My ex went in all guns blazing started to bang on the table , shouting what he wanted and the mediator absolutely shut him down and told him that sort or behavior wasn’t productive. It was the first time he’d showed his true colours in front of someone else and I felt vindicated that someone else had witnessed his abusive behavior to me and saw how frightened I was. It’s not an easy process but the mediator is impartial and will take you through it and draw up a set of rules. I don’t think my ex would have agreed to anything if we hadn’t gone through the process. Good luck

@Evasmissingletter thank you! I'm hoping somebody else will see him for what he really is