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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson

24 replies

Lucy1119 · 06/03/2022 19:50

I’ve a 8 year old step son, who seems to have a lot of screen time at mums house and also get over mothered a lot, (help dressing and toileting)
Dad is brilliant, but doesn’t have any relationship with mum, they don’t communicate.
Step son is coming home as a zombie, unable to think for himself, being quite selfish and rude to his own sibling and step siblings at times as well.
We provide less screen time 30 mins per day and he has plenty of activities and free time, but doesn’t engage well as his mind seems to always be thinking of TV or games.
Does anyone have any ideas what we can do as a family unit to help him or get through it as it seems we’re the only household trying to change it.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts
L

OP posts:
Kittycorn · 06/03/2022 20:04

Can you plan some activities that are out of the house, a walk or a playground, so screens/TV is not an option?

Newjobformoremoney · 06/03/2022 20:06

We play lots of board games.
We have arts and crafts on hand (double edge sword)
Everyone has age appropriate activity books.
Music!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 06/03/2022 20:10

How long is he with you?
After being with exh my ds needed a period of re-acclimatising.
No rules, no bedtime and unlimited tech..

Tbh when he came in and went to his room I left him for a good hour!

KylieKoKo · 06/03/2022 20:13

I think the fact that the children's parents don't communicate is a big issue here. Can they not put their differences aside to co parent their child?

Original poster
Lucy1119 · 06/03/2022 20:16

50/50, it seems when he goes back he’s better, yet when we get him back it’s back to square one again.

OP posts:
incognitoforthisone · 07/03/2022 00:55

An eight-year-old is being helped with 'toileting'? WTF?

Ozanj · 07/03/2022 01:09

If they don’t communicate then your DH probably isn’t aware of any medical or SEN issues. Sounds like there may be big ones considering he still needs help with basic things. Your DP needs to go to the GP and get access to his medical notes.

Cocomarine · 07/03/2022 01:11

What’s your 50/50 pattern? Do you do alternate weeks or certain days? That can influence how easy it is to change screen time habits.

I’m interested that you say he’s rude to his sibling. So, there’s a full sibling? And that sibling isn’t being helped with toileting. Which suggests the help is related to the child, not the mother. What exactly do you mean by toileting?

I have first hand experience of a child behaving different at each parents house. Refusing to sleep without a hand hold at one, off to bed happy as Larry at another. Fortunately my ex didn’t accuse me (the handholder) of “over mothering” 🙄 but just accepted that for whatever reason, our child had different needs from us. I miss the hang holding now.

Cocomarine · 07/03/2022 01:12

And on dad being brilliant (of course!) is he making parallel posts on Dadsnet?

BigupPemberleyMassive · 07/03/2022 04:09

It's definitely the bad ex's screentime messing him up and causing him to bedwet or whatever.

Not his parents having an acrimonious divorce when he is still a wee lad.

And he must have had a lovely home life in his formative years with parents who now hate each other too much to even co-ordinate.

Hawkins001 · 07/03/2022 08:25

Magic the gathering card game ?

cansu · 07/03/2022 08:30

His poor behaviour can be down to lots of things so it is 8nteresting that you jump immediately to his mum's poor parenting as the reason. I would suggest you might consider that he lives in two hones where the parties do not communicate and patently dislike, disagree with each other and disapprove of each other.

Lime37 · 07/03/2022 08:31

If you have children together. The mum and dad need to find a way to communicate together. Maybe therapy could help the adults communication issues

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 08:34

50/50

Must be so shit and unsettling for the children concerned

It suits the parents
But surely no one would want their life so split. He’s 8 and effectively living two lives.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/03/2022 08:53

I agree parents should communicate and respect each other, however acrimonious things were.

Is there any SEN? My DS is 8 and struggles with things like dressing independently without prompting (if you want him to do it at a given time/ quickly, he can do it fine if he has plenty of time!) but he’s likely got ADHD.

Bhud · 07/03/2022 08:58

@BigupPemberleyMassive

It's definitely the bad ex's screentime messing him up and causing him to bedwet or whatever.

Not his parents having an acrimonious divorce when he is still a wee lad.

And he must have had a lovely home life in his formative years with parents who now hate each other too much to even co-ordinate.

Yes. Yes. Definitely the screen time. Hmm
TimeForTeaAndG · 07/03/2022 09:04

@Ozanj

If they don’t communicate then your DH probably isn’t aware of any medical or SEN issues. Sounds like there may be big ones considering he still needs help with basic things. Your DP needs to go to the GP and get access to his medical notes.
Not necessarily. A relative of mine was a Brownie leader and the number of 8yo that couldn't put their socks on at camp was unreal. None of them had additional needs, they'd never even been shown. First morning was always showing kids how to put on socks. They all went home able to put their socks on.
Bananarama21 · 07/03/2022 09:10

How would you know what goes on at mums house if they don't communicate, do you have a crystal ball. I have no idea what goes on st exs house unless he tells me.

BertieQueen · 07/03/2022 09:55

Seeming as you have no communication with the boys mum then you have no idea what goes on and just assuming she lets him sit on a screen all day, and a majority of children will say ‘oh mum let’s me play on it all the time’ to get something they want.

How long has 50/50 been going on? Sounds more like the poor boy is struggling to adjust to different homes when he comes back from mum.

Also as for Dad being ‘brilliant’ Hmm

LittleOwl153 · 07/03/2022 10:35

Dad needs to speak to school and find out what is going on there. Maybe change handover days so he is coming to you from school rather than after a full day with mum so he has been engaged at school and you can keep that running?

Does he have other stuff to do at mums? Could you send something he's interested in home - if he can do independently?

But send dad to school - they are this kids key contact.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 07/03/2022 11:32

@Bhud
Agreed. Definitely the screentime.

Not having to adjust to having a new stepparent in his live and half/step siblings and the feeling that 'dad has a new family now'.

Living 50% in one house and 50% in another is no way disruptive.

There are no problems at school or with friends.

The problem is bad ex's screentime.

The neutral party of her ex husband who won't even be civil enough to discuss co parenting matters, let op know bad ex is a lazy mother who just does screentime instead of making Blue Peter and art attack projects with them.

It is also good that these parents who won't even communicate at a fundamental level are talking about the other parent to the child in a neutral and respectful manner.

Good thing we know it's the screen time. Just get rid of excess screentime and he will be a model child.

Remember folks, in an acrimonious divorce it is the screentime that causes the problems.

forrestgreen · 07/03/2022 13:19

Games or crafts linked to mine raft etc
Make a Minecraft cake etc

Could you give his favourite online games.

TayceOnToast · 12/04/2022 14:40

@Lucy1119 I feel your pain, and sorry you had to take such a bashing from all the unhelpful comments above. Ignore all the thoughtless people bashing your partner too, they have never met him and they don’t know the nuances of your situation.

I am going through the same thing. Stepson seems to have unlimited screen time at his mums house (we know because he says things like “mummy let’s me watch YouTube on my iPad until I fall asleep”) and I believe it. I’ve checked the screen time recently on his iPad and it was up to 11 hours a day some days when he’s been with his mum. He sleeps in her bed every night and frequently stays up til 9pm on his iPad. He’s 5 years old.

We do engage him in plenty of other activities but his mind is never far away from Roblox or asking for more Robux (which his mum seems to spend quite a lot on). His dad is more strict on screen time and bed/bath routines but still not strict enough on screen time in my eyes. But it’s a tough balance for the bio parent in a blended family too, he’s caught in the middle and we as stepmums are caught out on the edge.

It breaks my heart but I feel powerless and don’t know what to do either. X

TayceOnToast · 12/04/2022 14:41

PS. YANBU

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