Friend making terrible mistake keeping pregnancy with wrong guy

[NewAtAllOfThis]

One of our best friends (mid 30s) has just announced that she's unexpectedly six weeks pregnant with a new boyfriend (they've been exclusive just four months) who none of us like, and she's keeping the pregnancy.

On the two occasions we've met the guy, he's either made no effort at all, or made genuinely unpleasant comments that left everyone feeling uncomfortable. She herself has complained that they constantly bicker and that they're not aligned in terms of education, background and lifestyle, that she doesn't respect his work ethic or find him at all impressive. The positives she says about him are that he adores her, he'll do whatever she wants and that the sex is good.

She has a lifelong history of making huge impulse decisions without thinking, that don't work out, and it's clear that this is another – the relationship will explode and this will be the second child she has where she's not with the father. I think she's partly going ahead with the pregnancy to compete with her ex-husband who has moved on with a lovely woman, who he's trying for a baby with – she hates that the new wife has a son her daughter's age and that they're a happy family together, while she hasn't settled down with anyone yet.

What makes me so angry is that she's introduced her daughter to every guy she's dated since the divorce (even ones where she knew there was no chance of success) and this time last year her house was up for sale as she thought she would be moving herself and her daughter in with a different guy (another impulse move), but that relationship also fell through. All of this to-ing and fro-ing with different men has got to be having some kind of negative impact on her 7 year old daughter.

Two of us have gently questioned if she's thought this all through (given that up until a couple of weeks ago all she's said about him is that he's 'good fun for now') but were immediately shut down. I want to be supportive as clearly none of this is up to me, but I'm incensed that yet again she's making a huge impulse decision that will clearly lead to more disruption for her daughter, just on a whim. I find it impossible to pretend to be excited for her while witnessing a slow-motion car crash.

Do we all just keep faking it or do I distance myself from it?? It honestly makes me not want to be friends with her as I find it so selfish.

Help!

None of your business. But if you’re really a friend and he’s really that bad she will need your support. Do you want to be right or want to be a friend?

Yes urgh I know, I just have to go along with being there for her throughout the pregnancy, but having to pretend to be excited about it, knowing I'll have to pick up the pieces again when the relationship ends and she's crying over the unfairness of it all as usual, is going to be very frustrating.

Are you wrong? No.

But I very much doubt she's asking you to validate her choices, agree they're a good idea, or anything else. If she directly said, "Do you think I'm doing the right thing?", then that's an opportunity to say how you feel. But otherwise, I assume she's just expecting you to behave as a friend, as you would otherwise - ask how she is, ask after her pregnancy, be excited for her becoming a mother again. Not to pass judgement on these things. I think my friend's husband is a miserable, rude bastard who she could do better than but when she mentions him on the phone, I don't suddenly give my own opinion - she isn't asking for my opinion.

If you can't be her friend - be happy for her, etc - because your own feelings about the situation are negative (and I completely understand why!) then that's understandable.

You'll have to tell her - choices you're making mean I find it impossible to be genuinely happy and supportive of you right now - and walk away from the friendship.

But don't try and remain friends while making it clear constantly that you don't agree with her choices, can't be happy for her, etc - that's not friendship. Regardless of whether or not the choices she's making are ridiculous, she doesn't need a friend who's not able to offer the basics of friendship like support/love/excitement (and has made it clear she isn't interested in your thoughts on it, so it's not like she is looking for a friend around who'll give another view).

@housemaus thank you –actually that has made me feel a lot better. You're totally right, I can't be a grouch friend dumping on her decision as she's clearly already made her mind up. God knows there's probably things I've done that she thinks are all wrong and keeps them to herself!

She’s obviously making a mistake and she will be a single Mum of two with two Dad’s to contend with but what can you do? Tell her to have an abortion? It’s her choice ultimately and her life to fuck up. I’d probably distance myself from it because it must be quite hard to hold your tongue.

Remind her how hard it already is being a single parent with what appears to be a supportive ex, let alone keeping a pregnancy months into an unstable relationship with a man-child. Is the man-child going to staff off work when DC is sick? Is he going to stump up half the cash to pay for its upkeep? Is he going to be a good influence?

If she’s prepared and has the resources to go it alone, fair enough but if she doesn’t, then it’s best she terminates now. There is a reason why women have this choice. It’s nothing to feel bad about, sometimes pregnancy happens and needs to be ended. If your friend chooses to make a poor decision, ultimately you can choose not to support her stupidity and walk away.

I couldn't be friends with somebody so stupid and lacking in judgement.

If she’s prepared and has the resources to go it alone, fair enough but if she doesn’t, then it’s best she terminates now

Since the thread is 10 months old now it's probably a bit late for that

If you can be friends by doing things you enjoy together like cinema, going out, doing hobbies together and can seperate her choices from her I can see it working

If she spends all the time complaining about how hard done by she is and you spend all your time listening to her and her dramas then yes I would stop it

I’d just distance myself. You’re very different people, you find it hard to watch her make decisions that will likely turn out bad over and over and therefore are not suited as friends. It’s very difficult watching someone make bad choices over and over, I did it for years and it affected me negatively. I couldn’t help her or the kids, I was powerless. She was entitled to live her life how she wanted but I just couldn’t watch or listen any longer. I was interfering if I said anything before it went wrong but then expected to support and prop her up when it inevitably did.