Helping DS with depression at uni

[samsmum2]

My son has a history of depression and has been going to counselling with a local counsellor during lockdown. He started uni in September and all seemed to be going well. He has made some good friends, and is managing the work and says he's loving it there. However, recently he is less happy, saying he's really struggling with motivation which is causing him to be late handing in assignments, which in turn is leading him to feel stressed and down. I've suggested to him that he tells his tutor he's struggling and to potentially seek help from the uni counselling services. I well remember the stress that went with missing deadlines - I was properly lazy at uni, and also lacked motivation, but mine was down to out and out laziness, whereas I feel his isn't. I've done lots of reassuring and supporting, telling him nothing matters that much in the scheme of life (terrified as I know someone whose son committed suicide at uni), how great it is that he's recognising the signs, and that he should reach out and ask for help - but he's not v confident and would find it had to initiate by himself. AIBU to contact the uni counselling services myself by email and alert them to the fact that he's struggling, and ask someone to potentially intervene? Please don't tell my 'it's none of my business - he's an adult'. He's 19 and very vulnerable.

Its hard when they are struggling and far away OP.

Is he in uni accommodation? My DCs accommodation have been far better than uni at helping people who are struggling.

OP - your son is lucky to have you on his side while he is so vulnerable. (You are doing the right thing to be involved.)

Universities can't talk to you about him unless he has given them permission to do so. (They might listen to you in a case like this one - but it is a difficult area for them.)

A student can have an advocate (like you) to speak with or for them. It isn't so unusual.

Your support for him with them has to be arranged in an official way (and he would have to be involved in arranging it) but it can be done for serious reasons like mental health.

Also, don't forget the domino effect. If he's behind on his work, it will build up and be hanging over him. No reason why you can't go through what he needs to do and when for, help him schedule his time and such like.

@LostMyLastHatfulOfWords thanks - I think that's a really good idea. I'll ask him if he'd mind me getting involved.

My son got depression at uni. When I told him he would get extensions with deadlines if he reached out to them, he saw it made sense. Lots of his peers also suffered anxiety and depression and did the same. Uni in covid times is quite challenging. I encouraged my lad to get outside daily even for ten minutes. And he wdnt talk to me by phone so we kept in touch by messenger several times a day.

I’ve got a ds going through this, he seems to have anxiety and depression, it’s so hard.

I’ve been trying to persuade him to see a counsellor for several years. He had an anxiety attack at university and now he says some friends won’t speak to him🤷‍♀️ I’m sure there is more to it and I know he can be rude and self centred when his mental health is bad.

I sent him the details for the university counsellor and GP and finally he’s booked with both. He’s seen the counsellor and will be seeing them again and GP is next week.

Is your ds coming home soon? Ds1 has one more week and is home for Easter which I think will be good.

I think an email to the counsels worth a try. They can’t discuss anything but they can take information from you. I hope he feels better soon. It’s awful when they are struggling and away from home💐

I had counselling at university and it got me through my final year. It was free (hooray!) and amazing. If you can encourage him to reach out to his gp (or could you do this?) he can refer him. I hear you that your are differentiating your experience of laziness to his of depression and the lack of motivation to work, however, there is something about studying away from home where you do have to find your own motivation and push yourself at times. I hear your worry about depression and suicide but try not to leap to that place, there are so many struggles and transitions for him and it doesn't all lead to that one path. We do learn resilience through struggle and this might be his way. I wish him all the best.

It is good that he is telling you. There are lots of things he can do to get support but the Catch 22 of depressiom is, you lack the motivation to reach out for the support.

Could you go down and spend a couple of days with him, help him compose letters to tutors and student welfare, help him apply for uni counselling services, NHS self referral for CBT etc? You could also help him organise himself - work out how far behind he's fallen and what he needs to do to catch up, including ditching anything that isn't 100% compulsory for his course.

Encourage him to take Vit B complex, herbal iron supplements and Vitamin D spray - deficiencies in all of these can lead to depression and low motivation. Maybe help him stock up on easy but nutritious foods. A bad diet keeps moods low.

Help him focus on all that he has achieved so far. All those essays he has written (or lab work he has completed); all those lectures and seminars he's attended. Reassure him that most students lose track of time and work and get badly behind at some point. It's part of the process of growing up and learning time management.

Even if you can't be there, you can offer all this support via Zoom or Facetime.

I’m going to assume that he’s swapped to a GP wherever he is at Uni, so has he spoken to them about how he is feeling ?
How does he feel about antidepressants ?

And how much alcohol is he drinking ? As we all know, it’s a depressant.

Thanks all for your advice and support. @ThatsAllFolks how's your son now? @gingerhills I like the idea of going down there (not sure he would!) but I work f/t so not easy. We did talk about how to manage his workload and I think the current deadline isn't as pressing as he originally thought so that's definitely helped. I think I'll wait til he's home for Easter and help him write letters, apply for counselling etc.

If your son's illness has been ongoing for a while, he may be entitled to apply for Disabled Students' Allowances. This would mean a specialist assessment of his extra needs and he may then be able to receive support to overcome his illness related needs.
Definitely worth having a look at if he hasn't done so already.

Hi, my son now I would say is much improved. He now in final year. He does struggle at times. He has learnt to be kind to himself and reduce expectations of delivery on bad days. He has ADD which we think is linked, as is time of year.

Lots if good advice on here already. Just a thought if he doesn't fancy university counselling he can also apply for free NHS treatment through his local IAPT. Just Google IAPT and whatever county he is in for his GP surgery. IAPT will be more CBT based and goal focused, it depends what approach he prefers.

Iapt for us was all online and u can yesfuck it

He opened up today. He feels like he has a heckler in his head saying negative things. I was quite sad for him. I said that sounded exhausting. He teared up and said he had never thought of it that way but it totally was

But u know it's so much better

Than it was

@ThatsAllFolks

He opened up today. He feels like he has a heckler in his head saying negative things. I was quite sad for him. I said that sounded exhausting. He teared up and said he had never thought of it that way but it totally was

My heart goes out to him. He's described it brilliantly. I used to have that exact feeling. Like someone inside was criticising with real venom all day long. It was as you say absolutely bloody exhausting. And actually, it explains the procrastination. You spend all your attention and energy just fending off the voice.

FWIW, I took Citalopram and the heckler just melted away. Came off Citalopram and the heckler never returned. It's a difficult decision whether or not to start on anti-depressants, especially at his age, as there can be strong adverse reactions at first - he'd need very close monitoring. But it's an option and there's no shame in taking medication for any illness. The brain is just an organ of the body. If it's malfunctioning it has as much right to medicine as our heart or stomach or kidneys.