To keep him off school?

[Roui]

Sorry this might be long!

So currently me and ds (13) are staying in a woman’s refuge due to fleeing domestic abuse from my partner (not his father)

Ds has had low mood and anxiety for year and has had support from local charities. He hates school and it really triggers his anxiety.
Last night he said he was having suicidal thoughts again although his intent to hurt himself was only about 10% he was very tearful as expected and his mood literally changes from hour to hour. Camhs won’t see him as he isn’t attempting suicide.
We are supported in the refuge by staff and due to a lot of the abuse from my ex being target at him and me having evidence of it he is being considered by the safeguarding team.

Obviously I feel like the worst parent right now for trusting this man, but I was manipulated and the main thing is we are out of there.

Ds only managed school one day last week, I am off work with stress but I am dreading going back as I don’t have anything to give right now.

Ex partner was an arse about ds being off school and says he’s just using mental health as an excuse to stay at home being lazy.

Should I just keep him off? To save his sanity right now? What do I do in the long term? I can’t not work as I need the money but his safety and well-being should come first.

Any kind advice would be grateful… I don’t need to be ripped apart I know I messed up!

There's so much going on for him. Yes, for some school might be a sense of stability and routine but not for everyone. You know your son. Would being with friends help? He doesn't have to go in all day, you can approach school about work if he's up to it.

Your ex literally has no say and his opinion is irrelevant. Talk to those who know your son (grandparents, teachers). You've done a hugely important positive thing for both of you. So much strength to you.

Thank you for your kind words. I do know him best and his life is upside down. He’s still chatting with his friends (he only has female friends) but he can’t settle his mind over school if I mention going he just becomes so sad and tearful, but says he will try. He feels massive pressure from the teachers when he is there and his pastoral support is rubbish this year. So he feels very unsupported and that he doesn’t matter.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through and dealing with this alone now must be very tough.

What will ds do if he's not at school ? Are there people around who can talk to him and help him to cope?

If he's sitting in a room thinking this may not be the best for him. Often routine and keeping busy can help. What is it specifically he struggles with at school is it concentration? Perhaps a chat with the school might help ?

He msy need some time to process whats happening in the short term but it doesn't sound like staying off school is practical for either of you long term.

Ideally he needs to be in school so that i can go back to work. But he’s always begging me to be home educated as he just hates school.

He’s body conscious and not very sporty so PE has him in a state, his current time table means he has it twice in one day some weeks!
There is a lot of change with the school under a new academy and as with all schools these days they care more about hitting targets than the child’s mental well-being.

I’ve been seeking some advice from the not fine at school website but I feel more confused about what to do really. Everything in me knows that he needs routine and structure but school is good for some of that and bad for his emotional health.

Long term I would love to keep him off and for me to work from home, I do have hybrid working but I would have to drop my hours and I would still have to go in to work as I have a caseload of people and some need face to face support.

Everything is such a mess… on top of being homeless and having to get my stuff out of the ex’s house. He’s being ok but badgering me to get it out and sell him the furniture he wants that’s mine. I am just exhausted with life right now 😞

I'd keep him off school for tomorrow at least and speak to the GP urgently (get it logged and documented) about his suicidal thoughts--he needs a CAMHS referral (if not already referred) but he does need intervention.
I'd also request a letter from GP for you to hand in to the school about his current mental state---does the school have pastoral care? Once you have the GP letter, speak to the school about reduced hours.

You need to involve the school, and work collaboratively on this. They can offer him a part-time timetable, so that he is only in for part of the day.
Allowing your son to stay off school will only make things worse in the long run.
Good luck to you and your son x