Do women in abusive relationships tend to make more loved up posts on SM?

[Froggie22]

If you've ever been in a toxic abusive relrionshou make frequent loved up posts about your partner on social media when you were in a toxic abusive relationship?

Theres a couple women I know in my life that at a distance I get bad vibes about their relationship from. They are both entirely financially dependent on their partners and their partners throw out controlling, narcissistic red flags everywhere to me. However these two women are the ones that are most vocal on social media about their partner and family. Gushing posts about how much they love eachother, how great of a dad they are etc.

If I had to guess from afar though I'd say they're in abusive relationships and very unhappy but obviously their SM posts say the polar opposite. I always wonder if I've just got it all wrong, or is it them overcompensating for a bad relationship?

Whoah pressed send whilst editing the first paragraph let me try that again

If you've ever been in a toxic abusive relationship did you make frequent loved up posts about your partner on social media?

People use social media in all manners of ways, some cultivate a completely false reality. So your theory could be correct.
Alternatively, my best friend has an amazing and loving relationship with her husband, and everything you describe about these women's socials is true to her, but the posts reflect her reality iyswim?

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese

People use social media in all manners of ways, some cultivate a completely false reality. So your theory could be correct. Alternatively, my best friend has an amazing and loving relationship with her husband, and everything you describe about these women's socials is true to her, but the posts reflect her reality iyswim?

Yeah I see what you mean. I often wonder if I should gently ask if they're ok but don't want to overstep or insert myself into something that isn't even a problem. I just found it interesting that the two ladies I get concerned about have similar SM activity.

I definitely see what you mean.

My friend is in a toxic on-again, off-again relationship with her DC’s father. It has gotten really bad at some points with cheating, police getting involved etc…

Yet, if you were to believe her Instagram you’d think they’re all loved up, and a perfectly happy young couple. I find it very odd, it’s like she is lying to herself by creating this false narrative.

I don’t understand the motivation but then again I hardly use social media (more than 10 years since my last Insta post) so I don’t get the mentality of posting anything about your life online tbh.

She is the only person I know who is in a toxic relationship so can’t draw conclusions more broadly but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were other people doing similar things.

I don't think women in abusive relationships are any more likely to be making loved up posts than other women. But they're not going to be posting about the abuse while being abused, are they? They won't want to let on to what's happening to them, or they don't realise the extent of how bad things are.

Also, abusers often love bomb, it's part of the cycle of abuse. So loved up posts by abused women may well be genuine as they are probably feeling overwhelmed by feelings of love and attention that day, it probably feels amazing at the time and that's often why they stick around.

But I don't think it's fair to ever assume that a woman is only making such posts because she's being abused. The relationship could be amazing, it could be averagely nice, or boring, or a bit crappy but not abusive, and so on. You don't really know so I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Who gives a duck

Yes. This is my experience with friends and my sister who have quite bad relationship problems but then come Father's Day or anniversary, the lovey, gushing posts always appear on social media, when I know from our own conversations that there are quite bad problems and they have said they aren't happy.

I have an acquaintance who in the time I’ve been on Facebook (12 years) has been married twice and engaged three times. Each relationship looks wonderful but I fear that all is not well because I just don’t think it can be healthy to go into serious relationships with such speed.

The loved up posts could be part of a coping mechanism. Placating the abuser to keep the atmosphere calm. Exagerating the good in a desperate self denial. The smiling faces caught in a photo may be a millisecond of a day spent with a rolling stomach or anxious held breath or held back tears. If there was a cartoon thought bubble it may well read, 'please don't kick off' above a face aching with the effort and strain of forced smiles. 5 seconds earlier there might have been a snarled accusation of flirting with the waiter or taking too long fetching a drink.
I have photos that I remember the stress behind the appearance.
Or it could be a genuinely lovely day out.

No. I barely ever posted anything about my relationship good or bad.

I am not sure I would go so far as to say that. I just think it would be difficult to know without actually counting somehow - it would be easy to make false assumptions.

But I would say that my experience has been that often the women I know who make the most mushy kinds of posts a lot about their kids or partner are people I know kind of struggle in some way with their relationships or parental role. That's not to say they are being dishonest at all and I am not speculating about their motives - maybe they are more emotional people all round - but that is my observation.

Also, abusers often love bomb, it's part of the cycle of abuse.

And sometimes that lovebombing happens on SM. I know a guy who posted the most OTT loving stuff about his wife on Facebook and all the while she was trying to escape him (she has now).

I wouldn't ever post anything about personal relationships on social media. no chat, no photo's.

I did this. It was because my abusive ex was very insecure and checked my social media constantly to see if I'd had any interactions with men. Posting positive things about our relationship was one way to placate him so I was allowed to keep my accounts active (he deleted my twitter profile because I was being followed by men and he couldn't handle it).
Now I'm in a healthy relationship and I'd never post anything like that. DH knows I think the world of him, without me plastering it all over Facebook.

I know someone who was forced to post photos of flowers he'd bought her etc on social media to "show your friends you love me, because if you dont you must be cheating with someone on there". He was a vile arsehole to her behind closed doors.

some of my friends do this all the time and they're not in abusive relationships, i think it does happen but not an absolute rule

When I was in an abusive relationship SM hadn't really taken off yet, so I didn't post on there, but I definitely did like to tell all and sundry about how wonderful my boyfriend was and how lucky I was to be with him. So I suppose it's the same thing.

Maybe this is true. The only person I ever knew who posted about her relationship, and how much she loved the man, was in a horribly toxic relationship. He treated her dreadfully and cheated on her constantly. It was odd, but you could see why she was insecure.

I don't know anyone else who posts about their OHs.

what about all the people that do it but arent in abusive relationships? this question is flawed because only people in abusive relationships that do it will comment, If i used SM i would post nice things about my DP simply because i love them and i would want that to be public, This sort of thing is impossible to be put down to a simple rule of thumb if you will because it really just depends on the unpredictability of people in general

Oh god, this has brought out the sneering 'I don't do social media' and 'I don't see why people feel the need' crowd out again. 🙄

We've just spent two years cut off from most of our more casual friendships, social media can be a nice way to keep in touch with their lives, and they with you. I really don't understand why people have a problem with that for other people. If you have concerns around advertising practice - particularly political on Facebook and the like that I could understand.

OP you definitely have a point, they may be doing it for preservation like the OP above.

FYI i dont use social media because im introverted i dont care what anyone else does, if i need someone i just phone them

I think there is some truth in that, some of the time. Insecure people often will do that.

I think it's very common for things posted to be exaggerated, for the benefit of a social media audience. It's more important to be seen to be happy/successful/whatever. I also think our often leads couples to advance their relationship quicker than it would organically, in order to be seen to be in love/ moving in together / engaged/ on holiday or whatever by the social media audience.

I think social media is the work of the devil.

I always inwardly wince when I see people who have been in The Best Relationship Ever all over social media, and then 6 months later are in The Best Relationship Ever all over it with someone else. Then the following year its someone else again. I often wonder whether the online record of the previous (accelerated) relationships also induces the next Relationship to advance quicker in order to prove it's better than the one before.

@Person123456

FYI i dont use social media because im introverted i dont care what anyone else does, if i need someone i just phone them

And many other people use SM because they are introverted and so they don't have to pick up the phone.

Yes I think you’re right op.

I think they do it to try and convince themselves they are happy and maybe to placate the partner.

It always feels fake and cringey to me but then I am not a gushy person.

YANBU. I have come across it more than once.