Asked about insensitive question and am kicking myself (TW child loss)

[Chocolattay]

Ran into an old uni acquaintance today with her DS. We got talking and she was talking about her DS. I had my baby with me. For some reason, I asked a question without thinking. Looking back I know it’s a no-no question that you shouldn’t ask, but I just didn’t think. “Have you got any other kids?”

She sighed and her face dropped becoming visibly emotional and my heart sunk because I suddenly remembered why people shouldn’t ask that question. She proceeded to mention her little girl who had passed away from SIDS at a few months old. She was rushing through her words desperate to get it over with and clearly trying not to cry.

I was in shock I didn’t even say anything, just nodded along.

I’ve feel absolutely terrible that I put her on the spot to talk about such trauma in the middle of the shop and am kicking myself for not thinking.

I’m not sure what I want to gain from this thread but I need to get it out

That’s a totally normal question OP don’t think about it.

It's a completely average question that people ask all the time OP.

@user1471504747

That’s a totally normal question OP don’t think about it.

I agree. People ask each other this all of the time. You didn’t do any wrong.

Not an insensitive question, so do not beat yourself up. You did not know what had happened.

That's a normal question OP, please don't feel bad. There are lots of questions that can inadvertently cause people pain, you can't avoid them all, just be aware and sympathetic if someone is upset.

Op actually a lot of people who’ve lost children say they want to be asked and want the opportunity to talk about their lost children. If you listened and showed interest and that you cared then you weren’t wrong to ask

Nothing wrong with the question.

Fwiw I've asked similar questions, I don't think it's inappropriate.

Such a sad situation and my heart goes out to parents who lose children. I'm sure she's not upset that you asked. Unfortunately it's a pain she'll have for the rest of her life and nothing anyone can say or not say will change that ❤️

Do not beat your self up about this op, its a standard question you say. Have recently miscarried and while the question of "no wee brothers or sisters for X then?" Do break me, I know they're not coming from a bad place

Don’t beat yourself up. It was an innocent question.

I’ve had five miscarriages including the second trimester loss of our first son. sometimes I tell people and sometimes I don’t. In a way she may have been glad to have an opportunity to acknowledge her daughter’s existence. It’s never not going to be painful for her. Even if you didn’t ask her pain still exists.

Please don't beat yourself up OP, that is a completely normal question to ask - I say that as someone whose first DS was stillborn.

You sound very kind. If you have any details for her maybe you could drop her a message and say it was lovely to bump into her today and to hear about her DS, & so very sorry to hear of the loss of her DD? Just a thought - you might not feel it's appropriate depending on your relationship, but I know I would have appreciated it. You didnt do anything wrong

She did seem to take the opportunity to talk about her daughter. I sort of went quiet from guilt after she told me about her but she got her phone out to show me pictures of her, which were lovely.

That is generally a neutral question.

I lost my daughter and I love having the opportunity to speak about her. It wasn't a bad question.
Maybe follow up with a text thanking her for letting you see her beautiful daughter.
But even if you can't text you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Sadly these losses happen. I wish we could talk about it more.

It's not an insensitive question, it's a completely normal, every day question.

I lost my Baby boy 12 years ago and I remember at the time friends didn't know what to say. When I went on to have another little boy 18 months later, I was walking down the road with my newborn and DD. (She was 2 when our son died) and this lady run up towards me and gave me the biggest hug and said how pleased she was to see me with my new baby. I remember she was a lady who used to go to the same toddler class as me with her son and she heard my baby boy died and always wondered how I was. It meant so much to me, not only because she came over to say congratulations but also we talked about my other little boy. We moved away when we lost him but I travel back to the area to see my family.
I would of definitely appreciated you listening if I was your friend. Maybe message her if you have her number.

She's not sad because of your question; she's sad because she lost her daughter. Poor lady. You must have reacted well if she got photos out to show you, so don't beat yourself up.

My friend lost a baby and she wants people to know about her other child. She just doesn't want people regretting they asked her and feeling awkward!

It's a really sad situation but you did nothing wrong so please don't beat yourself up. She won't be mad at you for asking, it won't be the first or last time.

Unless you know the person well and know their history, there's no way you could be seen as UR asking a question like that

@Chocolattay that’s a lovely reaction to seeing the photos. It sounds as though you were genuine and kind. Please don’t feel bad - you didn’t cause this pain she has had to live with and your caring response may have helped

I think that's a perfectly acceptable question, especially as she had one child with her. Unfortunately she had a very sad answer but you did nothing wrong ❤️