Treating children fairly not equally

[Icecreamwithchocolate]

One of my DC really struggles most of the time while the other generally thrives. I find it so hard to be fair and not compare and always feel that one is missing out - either because they are struggling or because their sibling takes up so much attention and I worry their needs are overlooked. Their relationship is also starting to suffer because of this 'unequalness' of their lot and I'm desperate to stop this from happening.
Dc1 finds things very hard generally, ASD, mental health problems, struggles with school, explosive and hard to parent at times
Dc2 lots of friends, academically able, very confident, though of course they have their own ups and downs like everyone else.
Anyone in a similar situation, or been in a family like this. Any dos or don't s would be gratefully received.

I always aim for equitable, not equal.

So they get what they need, and some of what they want, based on that individual's needs and wants.

I also focus on effort as much, if not more, than on results.

Decide what you mean by "treating them fairly" - do you mean giving the less able one more time and resources so that they can be as close to the other one as possible, or do you want to give both equal so that they can both be the best they can be (with one clearly ahead of the other obviously)?

You have to make up your mind what you think "fairness" looks like. By definition helping the slower child catch up with the brighter one you will be holding the latter back. It's either/or really, you only have a finite amount of time, money and energy.

The traditional view would be to treat them both equally and allow both to reach their potential. The more recent view, the last 40 years or so, would be that more resources should go towards the slower child to allow them to catch up at the expense of the brighter on.

Neither is right, whatever you do you will be causing the other to not achieve as much as they would otherwise have done. It's just personal choice, part of the "playing God" role that parents have.

@MorningStarling interesting response. I really hope somehow to not have to make 'choice' in that way. But to give them both what they need.

I don’t know. This is something I really struggle with because my third child who is autistic, I feel like he gets so much more of my attention. But then on the other hand my other kids make friends easily, excel in school work, attend hobbies and clubs which they are good at and enjoy… my ds8 can’t always access these things. So then I think maybe the extra time with ds8 is evening than out?

I don’t know. I think if you try your best you can’t go too far wrong. If there’s a perfect parent somewhere maybe they could tell us! But I think the rest of us are just trying our best.

Ultimately, you have to do your best to help both of them reach their potential. From the sound of it that might be two quite different paths, but that's ok, just each where they need to be.

I think even in this situation that it is best to make sure that as much as possible money and time are fairly equal.
I don't mean that you count every last penny, but watch out for "oh they don't need it as much" and sitting down with the "easy" one to do something and being disturbed by the other and immediately dropping everything to help them.

I was the "easy" one in the family. My family used to laugh and say I always fell on my feet. I did, and still do. But at least part of it is how I behave when I meet adversity. I don't have a massive strop and walk off. Often when I'm telling something where they're saying "oh you always come up smelling of roses" it's simply how I'm telling it looking on the bright side rather than because I got lucky.

It did hurt when I found that something that was planned now how to be cut short because a sibling had decided that they needed to go to the library that afternoon. "But they're having such a hard time, darling," I would be told. Never snapped back, but that "hard time" lasted from about age 4 through to age 24.
Or they'd get something I really wanted (and had asked and been told "no") because they'd moaned and complained until they got it.

And btw it didn't work as far as making them feel more equal. They often said well into adulthood how hard their life had been, and how they'd never been allowed what they wanted...

So I would say, don't give exactly the same to them both, but do try and make it even where you can. if you take one out for an alone day, try and take the other too, that sort of thing.

I have no advice for you Icecreamwithchocolate but I totally understand how you feel as I'm in a similar situation.

I tie myself in knots trying to be equally fair with my time, money, resources etc to both of my DC. It is very difficult and I'm finding it harder the older that they are getting.

I frequently lie awake at night worrying about it but I try my best and I'm sure you do too

My eldest is autistic and my youngest two arent. I cant treat them equally. I make so many adaptations for him that I simply wont do for the other two because it's not necessary. They know he is autistic and whilst he doesnt really get more than them per se we all try to be understanding of his frustrations and the way he is. An example of this being we would have to sit and do every bit of homework with his through secondary. He couldn't do it and found this extremely hard. I wont do that with the other two as they wont need me too and are much more capable of just getting on with it. That's just differentiation not u equal treatment. They have friendships he has never had and experiences he could only dream of. It's just a balance that's all if you love them all the same that's good enough.

Thanks for the comments - you make me feel better.
@MargaretThursday what you say strikes a chord. I'm very concerned to make sure DC2 is not overlooked.