Not letting ex in my house

[AHungryCaterpillar]

I have been split up from my ex for a few years now, ever since we split he has not bothered with the children and has only seen them a handful of times, after a year of not seeing them he got in contact with me during the pandemic asking to see them, telling me how he made a mistake with the way he treated them and basically wanted to see them again. I didn’t really trust him has he has never bothered with them since we split but I thought life is too short. He started seeing them again but would only come to my house to see them (he didn’t want to take them to his) because of the pandemic things weren’t really open and as the kids didn’t remember him I thought that was fine to start with with the intention of him having them on his own when things started to open up. When things started to open again I asked him what his plans were going forward as he couldn’t see them at mine forever, he said he would “take them out” once a fortnight, he took them out a couple of times but then just stopped bothering, he didn’t seem to want to take them anywhere. He would ask me for ideas on where to take them but everywhere I suggested got met with “that’s too far” we are talking places that are a bus ride away, but to him that was “too far.” Really he only wanted to take them to the park at the corner of my house. When he said he wanted to take them out I thought he meant cinema, museum that type of thing, not to the park on the corner for one hour. Anyway at some point he got fed up with travelling down for one hour as he started to back away again and was full of excuses, at first it was that he had Covid and needed to isolate, he used that one a lot, then if it wasn’t him it was his lodger has Covid so he needs to isolate, it went back and forth so you get the picture. It then came out that he wasn’t coming down anymore because he couldn’t have them at my house anymore, now when he use to come here he use to lie on my sofa and fall asleep, I made it very clear him seeing them at my house was only temporary till he could sort something out. I couldn’t spend time in my room whilst he was here because he said that was “weird” and said he wouldn’t come down if I was acting “weird” I would stay in my room so he could have some alone time with the children.

He has been in touch recently but hasn’t asked to see them, was I wrong to not allow him in my home anymore to see the children?

Whilst I understand that you are supposed to facilitate contact, I don't think that means you have to provide the venue, and watch your kids whilst he snored on the sofa. If he wants contact, he has to put in the work. YANBU at all.

No, you don't have to let him into your house for contact. It's up to him to find somewhere suitable.

YANBU, I think you went above and beyond to maintain contact during the pandemic but him sleeping on your sofa when he’s supposed to be spending quality time with his children? He’s taking the piss. He’ll be bringing you his washing next 🤢
He’s an adult, he’s their father, supposed to be a role model. Not too difficult to arrange somewhere to take them for a few hours.

Fuck no, don’t let him have contact in your home! You do everything for the children the vast majority of the time so he should be taking care of them during his contact.

Your ex sounds like a lazy, narcissistic wanker like my ex. I won’t have him in my house. I know he’d be constantly hoping we’d get back together and I’d start looking after him like the servant I was when we were together. My ex only sees our children one day every two weeks when his mum picks them up and drops them off, takes the kids to her house and she feeds them. He takes a couple of photos with the kids to use on social media in pretence that he’s a good father. She gets to pretend that the son she enables is a good father to the rest of their family.
Don’t let him in your home. It’s not your job to enforce his relationship with them. He’s got no right telling you what to do in your home either. He’s still trying to control you.

I think you have posted a few times on this..

If the same poster you have been told a few times yanbu..

He was never going to step up.. you need to stop giving him head space.

I’d point him in the direction of a contact centre.
You absolutely shouldn’t have someone in your house that you don’t want there.

Thanks all I don’t even think I was unreasonable but as he doesn’t see them at all now I question if I made the right decision and maybe I should have just put up with it but the final straw was the falling asleep, he use to come round and deliberately put a film on so the kids could be quiet watching it giving himself a chance to sleep. He wouldn’t speak to them barely anyway and if they wanted anything they would ask me or they would ask me to ask him things. Even when he was falling asleep they would give me funny looks as if to say what’s wrong with him.

He took them to the cinema once I didn’t let him in the house and just put the kids straight out when he knocked and when they got home they told me he said to them that “your mums being weird again” the kids also said he didn’t buy them anything but bought himself loads of snacks and sat there eating them in front of them which I found odd!

Where’s your anger OP? He’s treating your kids terribly. It’s not odd, it’s neglect. Find your anger and stop tolerating his poor behaviour. He’s not a good role model. He doesn’t take care of them. Would it really matter if he wasn’t in their lives?

No it doesn’t matter to me but I feel bad for my kids as they do ask why they don’t have a dad, why their dad doesn’t see them, especially my daughter she became obsessed with getting a “new dad” and use to ask me to meet someone so she can have a new dad.

You need to be honest with your children . Tell them that they do have a dad, but sadly he’s not a very good one. That’s it’s not their fault, it’s not anything they have done. And that it’s not fair, they deserve better.

But that’s the only dad they have and the only one they will ever have. Even if you met someone else, that man would be their step father and not their father.

It’s Ok for them to feel angry or sad about it.

I don’t have intentions of meeting anyone it’s my daughter that became obsessed with finding a new dad (she has asd so finds it’s hard to understand) they do seem affected by it a lot though she use to cry about it a lot, I think it’s because he has been constantly in and out rather than just disappearing although so he has been a constant let down.

I understand that he’s a very poor father and how upsetting that must be for both of you. I’m just encouraging you to be honest with your DD about what a dad actually is. There are 3 parts to being a dad -

1. Biological - who provided the sperm - I guess that’s him.
2. Legal - is he the male with parental responsibility?
3. Social - the man who does the parenting. I guess he does a tiny tiny percentage.

Your DD needs to understand that as terms of 1 and 2 he’s probably all she’s every going to have. Even if you met someone ( I understand thats her plan and not yours ) , that man would only be her father in terms of number 3.

Many children with ASD appreciate honesty and clarity. Please tell her that nothing can change 1 and only the courts can change 2 ( and they hardly ever do, no matter how shit the father is ).

I understand it’s hard to see her cry but you need to support her to come to terms with the rather inadequate father she does have. She doesn’t have to go on seeing him if she doesn’t want to ( assuming there is no court order ).