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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

…to take my DM’s credit cards?

32 replies

kanyewestbrom · 05/03/2022 16:11

She’s 67. Very gullible. Twice in the last 3 years she’s been caught out by scammers - once they contacted her on Facebook using cloned accounts from her friends telling her to buy Tesco vouchers then scratch off the codes and send back to them to help on an emergency. She lost £200. Second time they phoned her and told her scary stories about her computer warranty and being at risk and told to buy Amazon vouchers in cash and send the codes. She was at the bank about to withdraw £800 when the bank staff (who know her - she’s lived in the same place for 35 years) asked her casually why she needed such a large amount and she told them the story and they told her it was probably a scam. She phoned me today saying she had a customer service operative on the phone who needed her personal info and a photo of her driving license for security reasons. This is the first time she’s phoned me before the fact.

She lives 200 miles from me and I’m the closest sibling. She’s separated from my dad. I don’t know how to help her. Any ideas? All I can think of is somehow convincing her to not have a bank card and working out a way of getting her a cash allowance. Does anyone have any ideas or experience? She’ll not agree to anything I say.

She’s the perfect mark for scammers. She’s just computer literate enough to have a Facebook account but not enough to be safe.

OP posts:

Whatterywhat · 05/03/2022 16:14

I'd ring age concern and ask for advice. She's not elderly but she's vulnerable

DaveGrohl · 05/03/2022 16:16

Well you can’t take them without her consent so you’d BU to do that but absolutely try and look into what else you can do to keep her safe and she might agree to voluntarily give them up to you. You could talk to her bank (with her, unless you have POA) and put safety limits on transfers out, sign her up to telephone preference service so she doesn’t get so many cold calls, lock down her FB account to privacy settings are on max (or even make the FB account dormant).

CharacterForming · 05/03/2022 16:16

Is it possible to discuss with her getting some kind of flag put on her bank account? They're much more proactive about things like that then they used to be (as you fortunately know from the second incident).

At 67 she's presumably not cognitively impaired so you could implement a checklist system: if any payment doesn't fall into certain "safe" categories then ring kanyewestbrom to check first, especially if the person who's asking for money says it's urgent.

Unpopular37 · 05/03/2022 16:17

Perhaps explore lasting power of attorney?

DaveGrohl · 05/03/2022 16:18

If you put her bank on notice about the vulnerability make sure you have it documented in writing.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 05/03/2022 16:18

I appreciate that you are concerned but you cannot treat her like a three-year-old. She had the wit today to call you and check before she was scammed, that's a big step forward. There is no way in this day and age she will be able to manage without a debit card or a credit card.

Her Local council or trading standards will run a fraud awareness course regularly somewhere, and you can keep explaining to her again and again that there is never a need for her to give personal information out and to call you if anyone asks for money.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 05/03/2022 16:21

She’s 67… unless there’s a giant backstory, early onset dementia etc, I would expect to be reading this about anyone under 80, and even that’s pushing it!

She’s a grown woman. Find her a course in financial literacy / how to avoid scammers if you must (that may be a good idea). But the idea of confiscating her credit cards is pretty offensive…

SofiaAmes · 05/03/2022 16:21

It's a huge problem and these scammers are good. I finally have my elderly mother trained to call, text or email me anytime she gets a call from anyone asking her for something. I have also added myself on to her bank accounts so that a notification is sent to me every time there is a withdrawal.

feministqueen · 05/03/2022 16:22

I think you need to respect that she is a grown woman but also make her understand that the world is a fast moving and deceitful place.

You need to drum into her that she should never ever under any circumstances give her personal info out regards her bank over the phone. Likewise with computer security or any request to buy vouchers. She must not do it. If it is to cost her money in any way at all that she isn't aware of in advance then she should say no and call you for advice

I've said to my mum that noone will ever Cal asking for money and if they do they will write to you to tell you that you owe. When you get the letter send it to me.

Hunderland · 05/03/2022 16:26

My DM the same. Rang me saying they knew everything about her account - turns out she'd told them what they needed to know.

My aunt lost a fortune to scammers so I'll be so upset if DM is taken in too.

cuno · 05/03/2022 16:28

Well you can't take her cards off her! Is there a silver surfers club or simular locally, they usually teach about these things in a way that's easy for non-techy older people to understand ime, my brother used to run one. Support her with getting a flag put on her bank account so there are extra measures in place. It doesn't sound like there are any issues beyond her being a bit older on things like Facebook and not very knowledgeable about scams, so there isn't a lot you can do to stop her.

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 16:29

Completely short term solution
And when I say short term
I mean less than a week
Enough time for her to get replacements

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 16:29

I think you think you need to think about her moving closer to you
Fairly swiftly

gogohm · 05/03/2022 16:31

You need power of attorney for financial affairs, they I suggest a card that cannot go overdrawn, you can transfer in weekly. But she needs to consent

CMOTDibbler · 05/03/2022 16:33

My dad used to get a lot of scam phone calls, and got really worried about it. So I made him a laminated flow chart to have on the wall with a few reminders at the top, and things to say - so a reminder to say 'Sorry I can't hear very well, please send me this information in a letter' to anyone claiming to be from BT/HMRC/British Gas. Not to make any payments over the phone or to pay anyone in cash. Not to buy anything at the door or let anyone do any work, and never leave the door open to get them a drink/donation etc (after mums handbag was stolen in a distraction burglary like this).
Then it had the flow chart of they say 'we need to know who you are' or 'you owe us' and so on.

It gave him confidence to just put the phone down on people, and an agreement to phone me if he was worried that he'd done the wrong thing in saying no

70kid · 05/03/2022 16:36

If you have a Lloyds account the debit cards can be set to only use in person
So PIN number only - no tap and no online purchases

WutheringHeights66 · 05/03/2022 16:41

Can you not explain to her the risk and have her repeat to any request for anything “please contact my daughter, she will help” so you can field the dodgy calls and messages.

couchparsnip · 05/03/2022 16:49

My dad has been caught by scammers a couple of times. Luckily it wasn't too bad as my mum caught it.
He's 76 and I wouldn't dream of taking his credit cards! That's over the top. Treat your mother like an adult and help her look out for signs of scammers. Don't insult her by suggesting this.

WeatherwaxOn · 05/03/2022 16:53

If she trusts you sufficiently then you could apply for power of attorney over her finances.

godmum56 · 05/03/2022 17:00

If she won't agree to anything you say then there is nothing you can do.

1frenchfoodie · 05/03/2022 17:08

Love your flow chart initiative @CMOTDibbler . Scammers are getting so good and spin up such a sense of urgency / protecting you this is a great reality check.

SeaToSki · 05/03/2022 17:11

I have my MIL trained to tell everyone that calls or contacts her online to send her the information in a letter so she can show me. That usually puts them off.
It helps that she doesnt feel like she is telling them no, so its easier for her to stick to.... and she also would prefer to see it all written down anyway

Original poster

kanyewestbrom · 05/03/2022 17:52

Thanks everyone lots of good ideas. I have told her time and again to ring me or my sister. To ask for things in writing. To follow up uncharacteristic msgs on FB. The flowchart is a good idea.

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 05/03/2022 18:02

Bless him, my dad ended up with a few flow charts as he got very anxious with age and the pressure to decide anything quickly sent him into a spin. Having things written down let him be calmer and also gave him 'permission' to do or say things, even if that was just to check with me. And a laminated one was apparently more official and calming than a post it note

Frazzled50yrold · 05/03/2022 18:35

You can , with her consent, get a call blocker installed on her phone and close down the privacy options on her Facebook. She's only 67 and most of us will still be working full time at that age.

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