DS (12) pulling his weight a bit more

[Blastandbollocks]

DS is 12. He's hitting the typical teenager phase. In general, good school reports, polite to others, cares about his mates. Overall, I'm very proud of him.

However, he has recently (last year or so) begun to treat the house like a hotel. Stuff left behind him, bathroom left in a state, room never clean/tidy (I don't expect miracles, but not being able to write my name in the dust would be a start).

Today, I became quite frustrated that he'd got up and spent 4 hours on Minecraft, left a blanket on the floor of the living room along with cushions (with a worn pair of socks! ), then gone for a bath leaving his clothes over the floor, the bath caked in his shower gel, and then lied to me about reading when in actual fact he'd smuggled his tablet upstairs and was watching stuff.

We had a conversation (no shouting, but I was fairly firm) about the fact that I was frustrated with nagging him all the time. That it was disrespectful that he expected me to tidy up behind him, and that I would like him to do more to help in the house; also he needed to take responsibility for his school things (homework, organising school stuff etc.). I pointed out that if he was able to tidy up when he was 5, then he could do it now!

He got upset (which I appreciate is probably hormonal!) and is now sulking in his room. I think this is totally a normal thing, but DH is a bit narked (he was out when it happened, but will always back me even if we disagree in private).

AIBU to expect DS to help in the house ? I'm not talking about sending him up the chimney to clean but keep his own stuff tidy, help with emptying dishwashers, ensuring communal areas (bathrooms) are tidy/clean after use and are kept hoovered etc?

What does your 12 year do in the house? How do you keep them doing what they should?

I wouldn’t expect a twelve year old to be dusting and hoovering their room but it’s fine to give them specific tasks like emptying the dishwasher. In your time frame, not theirs.

In terms of leaving stuff lying around it’s more a question of training them to see. If the rug is left behind maybe you put it somewhere he can’t find it so he doesn’t benefit from it for a couple of days.

Bathroom he gets called back to sort it out over and over again until he realises that it’s easier to just do it as you go along.

It’s not easy.

AIBU to expect DS to help in the house?

Don’t frame it as “helping”. He should be taking responsibility for doing his fair share. That’s leaving rooms tidy, doing an appropriate amount of housework etc. Look at how many women complain about their dh’s not pulling their weight around the house. That starts somewhere.

Sounds typical of the age. My DC (same age) is like this and I am near-constantly moaning about it.
I have to get DC to pick up after themselves at the time.

I always found that money motivated mine. No tidying up after themselves meant no pocket money. Nothing too onerous but a basic level of tidy in their bedrooms, washing dishes if they've made themselves a snack etc and cleaning up after themselves in bathroom.

I never ask mine to generally "help", most teenagers don't have the executive function to be thinking of, and planning in bathroom cleaning.

What I do with mine is give them specific jobs "after dinner please could you fill the dishwasher", "please fold the clothes that don't need ironing and put them away", "please could you hoover the hallway and bedrooms", that kind of thing.

The alternative is to have a schedule eg. On Fridays you clean your room, but you'll have to badger train him to do it.

I personally work on the principle that if I ask dc to do something, they know very well that they may as well just crack on without argument. They've accepted that in the interests of cooperation they have to do as I ask - I work hard on housework so they know I'm not lazy myself. Teamwork is dreamwork as they say, but you'll have to train him (sometimes you even have to show them how), lead and enforce it.

Turn off the wifi?

Re the blanket / socks and the clothes on the bathroom floor, just call him back to pick them up, every time.

First, make it clear he is responsible for putting his own clothes into the laundry basket and then putting them away once washed. You won’t be reminding him.

He now changes his own bed when requested to

He has at least one daily chore, like loading the dishwasher, taking out recycling.

Helps with meal prep at least once a week

These are very basic tasks a younger child could do, but it is about acceptance of responsibility. they are necessary both for the smooth running of the household. It is preparing him for adulthood.

My 13 year old ds tends to do things when he’s asked, but very quickly, in order to get back to a screen. Usual jobs are dishwasher at the weekend, mowing the lawn in the summer, prepping veg every now and then. 12 year old dd has similar jobs but is much dramatic over fulfilling them