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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refusing to go to dads.

16 replies

bexxboo · 05/03/2022 08:58

DD was picked up just after dinner last night by her dad, at 9.30 he rang saying she was crying to come home. He was really pissed off when he dropped her off saying 'bye then' to DD then just kinda left in a mood. He rang shortly after asking if she was ok etc & arranged to pick her up today instead.

However this morning DD (she's 4) said she wants to stay with me and doesn't want to go to daddy's. What am I supposed to say to him now? He barely sees her as works up and down the country and when he's back he stays at his mums with our daughter.

I'm also a bit miffed as was really looking forward to a break but I'm not going to make her go if she doesn't want to.

This is complete opposite to last time he was home as she stayed with him for 3 nights and didn't want to come back to mine!

She's too young to explain why but i just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

OP posts:

Bdhntbis · 05/03/2022 09:06

I think at that age you need to get her to go and it perhaps wasn’t the best idea for her dad to bring her back and he should have found a way to settle her. It’s normal that she will miss you but he needs to find a way to manage that. If an overnight is really too much then I’d aim for a day but as she was happy there last time i’d push for overnight.
If she didn’t want to go to school you’d still make her go and find a way to manage that. My DSD used to get upset and miss her mum and we’d offered to take her back to her in that moment I’m sure she would have wanted to but we learnt to manage it.

MalbecandToast · 05/03/2022 09:08

Yes at this age you need to encourage her to go and as PP said, her father needs to find ways to settle her rather than just bring her back because its easier. DD1 used to howl when ex came to get her, I felt so awful making her go but she would always settle and have a good time once there.

MalbecandToast · 05/03/2022 09:09

If it went to court they would take a dim view to you not sending her so be firm with her father OP
that he needs to take her on his contact time and male it work

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 09:13

He can't come running to you unless it's an emergency. You wouldn't do it to him.

Ostryga · 05/03/2022 09:25

Dd is 5 and like this. Yesterday at drop off she was howling. It is awful.

But at this age you do need to encourage and her dad needs to find a way to settle her otherwise it just spirals. As they get older (young teens) they can make the decision themselves, but a relationship is important at this age.

Realitydawning98 · 05/03/2022 10:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sparticuscaticus · 05/03/2022 10:42

If it's not an organised contact date and she doesn't want to go, given he returned her early last night from whatever, you don't have to agree to this. You can say she's not agreeing to go and you brought her home early/ it isn't usual day.

But you may want to try to work it out with him. As you want a break and trust him to care for her? And think it is beneficial for her?

MonkeyPuddle · 05/03/2022 10:44

You’ve had good advice above. I’ve had this a few times with my 4 year old, I bought a book called The Invisible String which helps with separation anxieties in little ones, my son found it very useful.

Original poster

bexxboo · 05/03/2022 12:15

Thanks everyone - he still hasn't collected her because he's 'tired'. I get that but he does have his mum there to help.
I'm going out my mind, she's so so overtired today because of all the messing about last night. He was at his dads with her until half 9, then brought her home. It's incredibly disruptive.
Imagine being a parent as and when it suited.
I had plans today but think I might cancel them as all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2022 12:31

Oh god my ex has been like that. Always used to be bringing ds back because “oh he wanted to come back to you”, meaning I could never plan for weekends or know I had a rest coming up. Then obviously expected me to keep sending him, which o did, but it often felt like I was the only one who cared about their relationship.

Two things have helped:

DS is a bit older and easier to care for
Step mum (nice, but it’s not her responsibility) has now moved in, so feels more like a home there. Which I don’t condone DH for, ie not making it feel homelike before

So my post is not much help - but there are some men, like my exh, who just don’t make the effort to make their children happy / settled at theirs no matter what.

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 12:46

@bexxboo

Thanks everyone - he still hasn't collected her because he's 'tired'. I get that but he does have his mum there to help. I'm going out my mind, she's so so overtired today because of all the messing about last night. He was at his dads with her until half 9, then brought her home. It's incredibly disruptive. Imagine being a parent as and when it suited. I had plans today but think I might cancel them as all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

Wtf. Tell him you're tired!

What a dick

Original poster

bexxboo · 05/03/2022 13:56

Update -

Upon collection he had a go at me saying I don't know the meaning of the word tired and that I'm vile. (I said I was annoyed as we had been waiting all morning, that I was exhausted and needed a break)

DD got upset saying she didn't want to go (again) at this point my blood was just boiling. She was kind of whinging and smiling at the same time like she knew what she was doing.

I had to walk her out to the car with him, I said mummy really needs a rest.

He had another go at me in front of her. She starts getting upset again.

Anyway sat here my head is pounding and I'm sick to death of the pair of them if I'm honest.
I just want to fucking scream!!!!!

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 05/03/2022 14:01

She's got a lot of power for a 4yr old. Tell her whats happening, don't let her dictate the shots or you'll end up with a nightmare teenager.

Your ex sounds like a right twat.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/03/2022 14:09

DD used to be like this, she eventually outgrew it. If she really, really didn't want to go (and I didn't have any important plans) I'd tell him she seemed out of sorts and there was a bug going around at school so worth getting some calpol in incase she needs it, inevitably he would tell me it was probably best if she stayed with me if she was poorly for her sake - sometimes she did actually develop an ear infection or similar whilst at home with me so that was probably unsettling her. When the pick-up was done from school this seemed to ease things.

DD is a teen now, sees dad twice a week arranged between themselves now and as she told me the other day, I'm the favourite parent and she likes spending time with her dad but he's more of a funkle (fun uncle) than a parent.

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 14:10

He had another go at me in front of her. She starts getting upset again. no wonder she doesn't want to go. He's toxic.

Jellybean23 · 05/03/2022 14:14

She's already won the first battle. You and your ex need to be firm in future and stick to the arrangements, otherwise ' making a rod for your own back' comes to mind. Also, it's a big mistake to argue in front of her, it weakens your authority as well as being very unpleasant.

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