MIL doesn't bother with granddaughter now she's older

[specialdeclaration]

I have a DD who is 8. She is an only child and my MIL's only grandchild. Throughout my pregnancy MIL was very involved, very, very, very involved with everything. It was nice.

When DD was born she was once again, very involved. She was always popping in, always texting to check on her, babysat whenever we asked etc. She stayed basically the same until DD was 6, the popping in everyday did die down but she still doted on her.

The last two years have obviously been difficult with covid and she hasn't been able to see DD as much but throughout the past two years there has been a massive difference in her interest in DD. She never texts to ask about her, she never pops round anymore and whenever we pop in she doesn't show much interest in DD like she used to, whenever she is asked if she can look after DD, she says no she's busy.

There's just been a really obvious shift, even my husband has noticed it, but we can't seem to work out why.

WIBU to think it's due to the fact DD is a little older and therefore no longer 'cute' etc. She was always desperate for a girl and so I think she loved being able to dress her up and show her off and now she's older she's been discarded.

Or maybe she has got involved with something else and has less time ?

Or maybe she is feeling 'older' and tires much more easily ?

Or maybe she was remembering how hard the baby years were and wanted to do everything she could to help but realises it is much easier having an 8 yr old and you don't need anywhere near the same amount of support as parents do in the early, sleep deprived days ?

Or maybe she isn't so keen on driving anymore (or traveling on the bus if that is what she does)

I mean, none of us know, but there might be several reasons, or a combination of reasons why she is no longer so readily available.

How old is MIL?

DD is probably expressing her own opinions and pushing back when MIL wants to treat her like her own personal Dolly.

We have an abandoned dolly here, she was all good and well when she could baby her, but now she's grown and has her own voice, never hear from MIL!

Or maybe mil is not in a good place mentally?

Maybe she’s struggles to know what to do with her, how to have a relationship with her. Covid was tricky, we lost a lot of time, and relationships suffered.

I feel like this has happened with my little one already but he’s only 6 months! When he was born the in laws were literally texting asking for every detail of how he slept etc, which wasn’t manageable to even be able to reply to when you’re just trying to recover from the birth and get through the day. They’d come for 4 hour long visits, sit frantically passing the baby between them on the sofa and phone other people while at our house to ask them to come, all the while I’m sat on the sofa feeling extremely tired and uncomfortable just wanting to take my baby and go to bed. They even came one day when he was asleep and when I grew a backbone for a second and asked if they could leave him in his Moses basket and not disturb them they repeatedly answered me back like he was a performing puppet and said ‘but we want a hold’!

We have seen them once since Christmas now he’s older. He’s not going to have a clue who they are next time he sees them, yet once again they’ll expect him to pose for pictures so they can post them on Facebook to make out like they see him all the time 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it’s just selfishness more than anything, you’re only any use to some people when you have something to offer them but when the novelty wears off they won’t do anything to help you in return

Yes you would BU to jump to that conclusion.

Yabu

I think Covid has impacted relationships massively. It’s like we’ve got deskilled. Personally I’ve become reluctant to leave my house. I work from home etc. I do make an effort via my phone. Have you spoken to her about it?

I know lots of people who have just never gone back to pre covid relationships. It's a shame but pretty common at least in my experience. I'm sure there will be psychological explanations for it.

whenever she’s asked to look after DD she’s busy

Do you invite her over and show an interest in her or take her out? Covid has changed things and we do need to readjust.

Perhaps you could try to find something they’d enjoy doing together? Teaching her how to knit/ bake/ mend her bike? I really doubt your MIL doesn’t still love her very much but re-establishing their relationship and moving it forward will need some input from you.

As my DDs have got older, my MIL has lost confidence in her ability to entertain them and be useful. It's easy to know what to do with a toddler - perhaps she worries they'll lose interest in her, she won't know how to keep their attention, she doesn't know what kids do for fun as they get older? For us, I think that is the case and having one other, younger DGD has meant that it has been easy for DMIL to stay in her comfort zone with a preschooler and see our DDs less.

For us, it has worked by inviting them to spend more time with us, so DMIL can see and remember that my DDs absolutely adore her and want to spend time with her. It certainly has boosted her confidence in their relationship

Maybe lockdown has ruined her mental health. Have you asked how MIL is feeling?

I have this with my DM. I bought her a smart photo frame so she could have recent photos of the DC and feel more involved. I was going through photos to put on her. Not much interest in photos of DS12 now, just from when he was a toddler. And she said she’d rather have photos of DD9 wearing her Encanto costumes than of DS in his new glasses. Really quite strange!

Maybe just ask her?
There could be a whole host of reasons for it to be fair, but just ask.
Next time you speak just say that you feel she has distanced herself somewhat and ask if everything is ok. Then youre goving her the opportunity to tell you if there is something wrong.
Therr may be nothing wrong at all.
She could be unwell and not wanting to worry you.
She could find she no longer has the same relationship with an 8year old as she did with a less independant baby. She may be struggling with knowing what to do with your daughter.
If you dont approach her youll never know.

Do you think it could be that your MIL is concerned about catching Covid from your child?

Does your Mil spend a lot of time on her own?
I’ve noticed that during lockdown some people have almost forgotten how to be sociable. They have got locked into their own little bubble and don’t know how to interact with others.
Could it be something like this?

Perhaps she isn’t feeling herself and covid lockdowns have effected her. Have you asked? She could be feeling down and a little depressed after these last two years, who could blame her, it’s been shite.