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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she could surely see me sooner

48 replies

000oooh · 04/03/2022 20:34

Have a friend I've known for about 5 years who's a Primary school teacher.
I'm a qualified teacher who left the profession so I am aware of the workload.
Haven't seen her in about 1.5 years now, yet we speak weekly.
I was invited to her birthday but had COVID so couldn't make it, I've just suggested to her that we meet up for a coffee and asked when she was next free.
Bearing in mind we live in the same city (15 mins travel time). She told me she can meet me during the next school holidays (14th April).

Aibu to think It's a bit far away. If we lived very far apart ok but makes me feel like I'm very low on her priority list, I guess I'll have to accept that I am. She has no children either.

OP posts:

BurbageBrook · 04/03/2022 21:28

I disagree. Somehow, my weekend diary has been booked up now until April. It happens. And I hate mid week meet ups… Also, maybe she’s just not as social as you are. I think it’s fine.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/03/2022 21:32

@wingscrow

Enough with 'we are so busy we can't see you for weeks'.

You make time for things and people that matter to you. It is hardly difficult to find an hour or a bit less to have a coffee with someone you value.

Everyone on this thread sound like they have more engagements that the Queen....But somehow I bet they find time to spend hours on this site or to watch rubbish on TV.

Anyway, OP I would say something in the line of 'Let me check my diary and I will get back to you on that' then get on with your life without her. And get yourself some new friends.

When would you meet a friend for a coffee if you work full time?

“Meeting for coffee” is a leisurely mid morning thing.

Not something to do before work. Not after work either. So it leaves weekends and it’s very possible to be just every weekend for the next month or so

Aprilx · 04/03/2022 21:32

You are not wrong. You would have thought with her having no children she would be over the moon to break up the utter monotony of her sad life in order to have a coffee with you. 🙄

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/03/2022 21:37

YABU. People have plans. She’s probably being considerate and waiting till she has a full free day so you can have a leisurely coffee.
She’s not a hairdresser - she’s not going to fit you into a one hour slot between other engagements.

planetme · 04/03/2022 21:51

@wingscrow

Enough with 'we are so busy we can't see you for weeks'.

You make time for things and people that matter to you. It is hardly difficult to find an hour or a bit less to have a coffee with someone you value.

Everyone on this thread sound like they have more engagements that the Queen....But somehow I bet they find time to spend hours on this site or to watch rubbish on TV.

Anyway, OP I would say something in the line of 'Let me check my diary and I will get back to you on that' then get on with your life without her. And get yourself some new friends.

Totally agree 💯

Abraxan · 04/03/2022 21:58

@wingscrow

Enough with 'we are so busy we can't see you for weeks'.

You make time for things and people that matter to you. It is hardly difficult to find an hour or a bit less to have a coffee with someone you value.

Everyone on this thread sound like they have more engagements that the Queen....But somehow I bet they find time to spend hours on this site or to watch rubbish on TV.

Anyway, OP I would say something in the line of 'Let me check my diary and I will get back to you on that' then get on with your life without her. And get yourself some new friends.

Well yes, I find time to watch tv and use the internet after work, in the car if Dh is driving us somewhere, etc.

But meeting a friend for coffee at a weekend isn't the same time period as that.

surreygirl1987 · 04/03/2022 22:21

I probably couldn't meet up with a friend until the Easter holidays either (I'm a teacher too) - it's only a few weeks away! She probably has plans (and needs to save part of her weekend to get work done!).

appleturnovers · 04/03/2022 22:27

@wingscrow

Enough with 'we are so busy we can't see you for weeks'.

You make time for things and people that matter to you. It is hardly difficult to find an hour or a bit less to have a coffee with someone you value.

Everyone on this thread sound like they have more engagements that the Queen....But somehow I bet they find time to spend hours on this site or to watch rubbish on TV.

Anyway, OP I would say something in the line of 'Let me check my diary and I will get back to you on that' then get on with your life without her. And get yourself some new friends.

Well I can scroll mumsnet for 20 minutes in between putting the dinner on and serving up. I can watch crap telly when I'm too knackered to talk and haven't washed my hair for a week. People are allowed to be tired after work you know, but if I was meeting a friend I hadn't seen in ages I'd think she deserves more than a quick snatched half hour or to catch me when I'm too tired to string a sentence together. I'd want to dedicate a whole morning to it and be on good form, and not have to be rushing away somewhere else.

And yes, some people do actually have busy lives, why is that so hard to understand? I'd struggle to meet up with OP before then I'm going to my mum's next weekend, my gran's the weekend after, meeting a friend we haven't seen in 2 years the weekend after that, then my MIL is coming to stay for a week, then I'll need a weekend to myself to actually relax and catch up on housework before another friend comes to stay the weekend after that. Also weekends are the only time a lot of people have to do chores and errands. And no, I'm not saying this to be "competitive" as another PP rather pathetically suggested, it's just the truth. As for priorities, personally I prioritise prior commitments, which is why I wouldn't be ditching on my mum, gran, MIL or 2 friends I've already got plans with in order to meet up with someone else.

PiperPosey · 04/03/2022 22:28

Haven't seen her in about 1.5 years now, yet we speak weekly.
OP it seems like both of you haven't made each of you a priority as to meeting.
Calling each other weekly is connecting. I don't even do that with my BFF and we live hundreds of miles apart.
6-8 weeks sounds great to me. Especially if it's quality time. A nice lunch or dinner sounds fabulous to me.

sammylady37 · 04/03/2022 22:31

People who don’t have children don’t have empty lives with days stretching out ahead of them, waiting for friends to suggest coffee meet-ups.

I have no children, and yesterday I arranged a lunch with a friend, for 9th April. In the intervening weekends I am working one of them, caring for a relative others, going away with friends another and attending a concert a few hundred km away on another. I can’t meet my friend for a weekend lunch any sooner.

BlancheB · 04/03/2022 22:35

@Aprilx

You are not wrong. You would have thought with her having no children she would be over the moon to break up the utter monotony of her sad life in order to have a coffee with you. 🙄

absolutely. Mid April is not far off. What's having kids got to do with it? 1.5 years since you met in person yet you're in weekly contact. Couldn't get worked up about that.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 04/03/2022 22:41

@wingscrow

Enough with 'we are so busy we can't see you for weeks'.

You make time for things and people that matter to you. It is hardly difficult to find an hour or a bit less to have a coffee with someone you value.

Everyone on this thread sound like they have more engagements that the Queen....But somehow I bet they find time to spend hours on this site or to watch rubbish on TV.

Anyway, OP I would say something in the line of 'Let me check my diary and I will get back to you on that' then get on with your life without her. And get yourself some new friends.

I have lots of free time outside of work but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily available to go and meet people, or that I want to go out and meet people.

Sometimes I just want to spend my weekends catching up on sleep and watching trash TV with the cats. That's just as legitimate a past-time as going out to meet friends.

justsippingsometea · 04/03/2022 23:10

Think that's a pretty normal time frame tbh. I'm one of those that needs a lot of downtime, so I make sure I only organise something social on Saturday OR Sunday. Can't be both unless completely unavoidable. So yes she may be prioritising other things but that might be her sanity, not more exciting activities. I think a lot more people feel this way after COVID, just don't have the same kind of social bandwidth as before.

Decaffe · 04/03/2022 23:22

She has no children either.

YABU for saying this alone - it's a nasty thing to say.

Hisea · 04/03/2022 23:31

@000oooh

It's around 6/7 weeks away, it's just a quick coffee, it's not a big weekend that needs lots of planning

It's less than 6 weeks away

Me and my friends will often go that long without seeing each other. Life is busy with or without kids especially for a teacher who is probably very mentally drained with their workload

Jamnation · 04/03/2022 23:42

just go with it. It'll roll round before you know it.

For all you know she might be struggling with her mental health or a thousand other things. Don't waste energy second guessing it.

LadyGAgain · 04/03/2022 23:55

YABU. If covid taught me anything it was to allow myself (and then others) to determine what they can/not do. Before covid we crammed abs dashed. Then we had a clean break. Perhaps her saying Easter hols is because she is really excited to see you and will then not book anything else that day.

planetme · 05/03/2022 09:25

@appleturnovers

It was me who said that some people (not all) are competitively busy

This is entirely true in my experience, not sure why is it "pathetic" of me to say this? It's just my opinion based on my own experiences. Perhaps I touched a nerve

SuziePorterrr · 05/03/2022 09:28

@wingscrow

Enough with 'we are so busy we can't see you for weeks'.

You make time for things and people that matter to you. It is hardly difficult to find an hour or a bit less to have a coffee with someone you value.

Everyone on this thread sound like they have more engagements that the Queen....But somehow I bet they find time to spend hours on this site or to watch rubbish on TV.

Anyway, OP I would say something in the line of 'Let me check my diary and I will get back to you on that' then get on with your life without her. And get yourself some new friends.

Well no, not more engagements than the queen. But life happens. If my friend told me she was feeling shitty and really needed to see me, I would make time.

But my next free time for a coffee date is around the same time as OP’s friend. I have days that aren’t as fully as others. But I don’t want days where I’m constantly on the go every second. I plan my down time too. How do you find a free hour to go for coffee when you work full time? Coffee is one of those things that if you work a 9-5 job you kinda have to do on the weekend. I don’t know many coffee shops that will be open after work, nor would I want to go for a coffee at 7pm.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 05/03/2022 09:38

@wingscrow

Enough with 'we are so busy we can't see you for weeks'.

You make time for things and people that matter to you. It is hardly difficult to find an hour or a bit less to have a coffee with someone you value.

Everyone on this thread sound like they have more engagements that the Queen....But somehow I bet they find time to spend hours on this site or to watch rubbish on TV.

Anyway, OP I would say something in the line of 'Let me check my diary and I will get back to you on that' then get on with your life without her. And get yourself some new friends.

Well for me, dp works evenings so I can't arrange anything after work as I need to be here to look after DC, we like to have a day at the weekend together as a family otherwise we would never spend time together as a family. So that leaves 1 day a week we can organise stuff. I often make plans quite far in advance. I do occasionally use my family day to meet people for coffee but then we go nearly 2 weeks without time together without others. It's not that I'm super busy, people are welcome to come here in the evenings but that never seems to be acceptable.

melj1213 · 05/03/2022 10:38

YABU - she works full time and clearly has a full diary and if you've waited a year and a half to see her in person, what's another 6 weeks?

I'm not a massively social person and even I only have 2 weekends free in the next 6 weeks: this weekend is free then I have two weekends with family birthdays - and then on one of those weekends I have tickets to a show that was rescheduled twice from an original 2020 date and the other weekend I also have a work friends leaving do; one weekend is the last weekend of the Six Nations rugby so a couple of friends and I have planned a day in the pub to watch all the games and the fourth weekend DD has a dance competition.

Even with the two free weekends I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the amount of events I have in the next few weeks and that is without factoring in all the day to day errands/shopping/laundry/checking in on elderly family/running DD to extra curricular and friends etc.

If a friend asked me to meet up for a casual coffee I'd probably tell them April too. I could physically fit it into my schedule earlier but mentally I think it would be too much. I have anxiety and I have learnt that I need to schedule time where I can just relax without any plans with other people regularly otherwise I start letting life get on top of me and, despite taking medication to stabilise my mood, my anxiety ends up ramping up to the point I start having anxiety attacks and cancelling everything.

Ohwowhoho · 05/03/2022 12:33

I hate the judgement around planned down time. I hate telling people I’m having a quiet day, or a day in because I feel pressured to fill it up. Planning to do nothing and sitting in bored are two different things.

I certainly don’t have as many social engagements as the queen and I think my next free weekend is probably the same one your friend suggested. As PP said, if a friend told me that they were in crisis then I would of course make time but for a casual coffee that’s when I could next slot them in.

I work full time, go to the gym after work 3 x a week and have a pre booked fitness class every Thursday evening. I like to save at least 1 weekend day a week to do something with DP so that usually leaves one other day. If I have plans that day then you still have to fit in all of the chores, food shopping etc.

If I’m having a heavy day of socialising then I keep the day afterwards free to recover. I work full time I don’t want to be busy every single day. I’m going to a party next weekend, so certainly won’t be any use on the Sunday. Mother’s Day is coming up after that and that completely wiped that weekend for me as we will visit my Mum one day and DPs the next. I don’t have children either, but I’m not sitting around on my arse all the time!

Sharnydubs · 05/03/2022 19:37

My friend was like this, I felt exasperated and a little hurt that I was obviously not a priority for her but didn't mention it. A couple of years later she has a new job, it turns out she was secretly totally stressed out by her previous career and now she is revitalised and our friendship back on track. Sometimes we don't know what's going on in others lives, so try to accept the limitations of your friends contact, fill the gaps in your social diary with other friends and see how things go.

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