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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude not to invite someone to a birthday meal?

21 replies

salonika · 04/03/2022 19:55

I share a house with my two bestfriends. My one housemate, has a boyfriend. Today is his birthday. We all get along well, and go to the pub together etc. Admittedly, my other housemate gets along better with the boyfriend than I do. But that's more down to the fact that I am out of the house for longer hours.

The boyfriend is going out for dinner for his birthday. There are 17 of them. I was not invited. My other housemate was.

Twenty minutes before I got home from work, I got a text asking is it ok if they host the predrinks for the dinner in the flat. I felt a bit mean saying no, so I agreed to it if they clean up. Apparently they couldn't find room in a pub for 17 of them as he forgot to book. I asked him in a playful way if his house was busy this evening, and he said no, just his flat isn't very nice, and ours is a better space to host.

To be honest, I'm not really that bothered about not being invited to the dinner.. We are all adults, so it isn't like when you have to invite all the classmates to the party. Apparently people had dropped out of the dinner, and others were invited instead.

But what a cheek, to not invite me to dinner, and then be pushed into having my flat used/dirtied for a predrinks for someone who doesn't even live here.

OP posts:

Movingonup22 · 04/03/2022 19:58

That’s incredibly rude. I’d pop on my pyjamass cook something with unbelievable amounts of garlic and pop myslef in the middle of the lounge to start a box set full volume

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2022 19:58

Will you be home for pre drinks?

OnTopOfThePiano · 04/03/2022 20:00

It’s a house share
2/3 people living in the house are going
You admit you aren’t that close
They asked if it was ok

What’s the problem?

Original poster

salonika · 04/03/2022 20:01

Yes, home for the drinks. I cooked a very smelly curry as it happens. I was invited to the predrinks of course

OP posts:

poppupppirate · 04/03/2022 20:03

I think that's really horrible of them to be honest. On what planet is this ok when you all live together and they want to use the home you share for pre drinks.

Midlifemusings · 04/03/2022 20:05

I don't think it is weird at all for your housemate to host pre-drinks in her own apartment for her boyfriend. They even asked you if it was okay which is good housemate etiquette.

Original poster

salonika · 04/03/2022 20:07

Sure they asked, but it's not as if I could have said no, is it?

It was framed as a last minute decision, but the nibbles etc appeared in the fridge a few days ago. So must have been planned all along.

OP posts:

JenniferBarkley · 04/03/2022 20:10

@OnTopOfThePiano

It’s a house share 2/3 people living in the house are going You admit you aren’t that close They asked if it was ok

What’s the problem?

This. She's hosting drinks for her boyfriend in her home. You weren't invited because you're not friends with her boyfriend.

TheMooch · 04/03/2022 20:10

Are you sharing or is it your flat and you rent out the rooms?

If it is shared and theyvarentvyour tenants then it was kind of them to let you know... they didn't need to.

Sunsetred · 04/03/2022 20:13

I think it's bad manners to have not invited you to the dinner. I would understand if it was an intimate dinner but it's clearly not. It reminds me of a colleague at work who invited everyone in the team to her leaving dinner apart from one girl. The girl was very upset when she found out. I actually thought it was bullying. I think people that do things like that are selfish and unkind.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/03/2022 20:18

@Midlifemusings

I don't think it is weird at all for your housemate to host pre-drinks in her own apartment for her boyfriend. They even asked you if it was okay which is good housemate etiquette.

Yep this

He’s not your boyfriend
He’s not really your friend
Your friend is hosting drinks and has checked with you

You not being invited to dinner is irrelevant

Sunsetred · 04/03/2022 20:18

Also, I'd be more upset with my friend then her boyfriend.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 04/03/2022 20:22

@OnTopOfThePiano

It’s a house share 2/3 people living in the house are going You admit you aren’t that close They asked if it was ok

What’s the problem?

Jesus harsh, are you invited to the meal?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/03/2022 20:30

I think its rude. It's a house share yes and everyone is allowed guests but with 17 people in your house for someone who doesnt live there - that's a huge imposition and its rude to the one housemate that's left out. If you didnt get on that's one thing but 'not that close' means you could be invited and it wouldnt matter with 17 other people there including two you know really well

OnTopOfThePiano · 04/03/2022 20:37

@HopelesslyOptimistic I’m housemate 2 obvs

M0rT · 04/03/2022 20:42

I don't know about rude but it's not the actions of a best friend.
I can't imagine my two best friends going out for a meal with 17 people and not inviting me!
I think you need to have a party for Paddy's day in your house, inviting everyone but your housemates.
Text them that morning saying I know you won't mind, as we are such good friends.....

thisplaceisweird · 04/03/2022 21:02

the nibbles etc appeared in the fridge a few days ago. So must have been planned all along

Sorry op, they don't like you, and they don't care if you know they don't like you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/03/2022 21:09

My god that’s rude! You are good enough for us to have pre drinks with you around, but you can’t come to the meal, even though one person will make no difference either way.

Confusedmonkey · 04/03/2022 21:12

I think it is quite unfair to be honest, especially as they hosted the pre dinner drinks at your flat. If they were random people you were in a house share with that is one thing, but these are your friends. I personally might raise it with your house mate whose boyfriend it is (in a nice way just saying this is how I felt because I was excluded) or ask your other house mate to raise it. Depends on your personalities and relationship if you raise it or not I suppose, but I often think it is best to get these things out in the open calmly and respectfully.

Hope you had a lovely evening without them.

Confusedmonkey · 04/03/2022 21:19

@thisplaceisweird

the nibbles etc appeared in the fridge a few days ago. So must have been planned all along

Sorry op, they don't like you, and they don't care if you know they don't like you.

I don't think this is necessarily the case at all. They are probably just being a bit thoughtless or assume you wouldn't want to come as you don't know the boyfriend that well. Not sure if numbers were tights due to table size ect. either. Still I think it was rude and thoughtless not to ask you, especially after hosting the drinks in your home.

Jjjayfee · 04/03/2022 22:42

I think they have been very unkind.

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