To not really enjoy being a mother...

[bexxboo]

Sorry for the long post.
To be honest, I don't think I enjoy this motherhood thing. When I see other mums really engaged and involved and posting all over social media and planning for another child I just think 'how/why?'.

One of my friends have just announced she's pregnant with triplets, and as happy as I am for her, if it was me I would want to die.

I'm a single parent to DD4; we have lived alone since she was 5months, prior to that we lived with my ex and his mum. We had to move out very quickly due to abuse.

I haven't worked, before DD I worked full time, had a really strong work ethic. Since DD being born I have become lazy about returning to work, it scares the shit out of me as I'm the kind of person that can put my ALL into one or the other & I just don't know how I would cope juggling work and single parenting when I hear so many horror stories about childcare, benefits, redundancy, being fired, burnt out etc.

However I find the day to day parenting a drag, I feel very detached and bored. Some days I'm brilliant and happy but most days I'm on auto pilot. I crave adult company, affection, etc. I've become really unmotivated in general, I find social situations really draining, I hate being too far from home.

I'm just completely different to pre-mother me. Maybe I feel a little resentful as when I got pregnant I had an imagine in my mind of what it would be like, and this isn't it. I give my everything to my daughter but it just isn't enough. She has never been to the beach, the zoo, Legoland etc. because we have no one to go with or take us and I would struggle to manage a day like that on my own.
I set up play dates often and we get out everyday. I just feel like somethings missing here.
We are due to move out of our town through a council swap to a house, I'm hoping this will have a positive impact.

Will I ever stop feeling like this?

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

Sorry you feel like this op. Could you not volunteer? Maybe that might help motivate you a little.
I feel the same tbh so can't help much sorry. I'm a single mum of 3 and mine have just had an almighty row and I've nearly lost my shit .
Mine are older though. Does the dad see dd at all . Do you get any time to do things for you .

It sounds to me like you really need something else in your life - why not look in to some part time work? I was a bored SAHM but scared to go back to work so started with a lunchtime supervisor role at a school. It really helped me mentally just to get out of the house and meet other people for a couple of hours each day. It then gave me the confidence to get a part time office job. I now do 17 hours a week. I would have gone mad staying at home. Or you could volunteer? This is another I've done and enjoyed. I made friends too. As for taking your daughter out - it doesn't have to be a big day out at the zoo or Legoland. At 4 they're easily pleased. Just making a picnic and going to the local park would be fun. We used to do trails - we'd make a check list of bugs or birds or flowers or something and go looking for them, ticking things off.

I'm not sure if it is patenting you hate, or your current lifestyle.

Honestly, go back to work. I would be a crap SAHM. I would get lonely for adult company and I like feeling competent. I have good childcare and my dc are happy.

The things you want to do with your dc - you don't need someone to do them with you. Just make a plan and do it!

Anyone would be bored after 4 years. Like others had said part time work of volunteer. A course that helps you with your confidence ?

I think you sound just like me. But my youngest is seven and I’m still stuck.
No advice really but you’re not alone. I love my children but I hate parenting.

Parenting is hard and is rarely how people imagine it to be. The days can be long, tiring, busy, and boring at the same time, your not alone. I love my kids with all my heart but find it hard to find the interest and motivation when they want me to play repetitive games and doing Voices etc. although I still do it when I can. It sounds like you do what you can with her with playdates and going out, does she not attend a nursery or preschool? I don't know if it's a national thing but from the age of 3 you get 15 hours free childcare?

Parenting young DC can be extremely boring, although by 4 it was much bettter.
I went back to work at 4 months which absolutely saved me.

Toddler years are difficult as a single parent. You’re dealing with ALL the shite parts of parenting completely on your own and it can really get you down. I know when my DC was that age, work kept me sane. It was my ‘escape’ where I wasn’t just someone’s mum and used my brain in a different way. The routine of work helps as well if you have mood issues.

I think you should look for some kind of work, something you can go in, do with little stress and then go home. Just to get you started again. 🙂

It sounds like working would actually be good for you! Go to work to have adult company, then go home to actually enjoy your DD!

Op, I'd highly recommend you getting a book called I'm OK, You're a Brat by Susan Jeffers.
I felt exactly like you do about parenting, and still do, but at least I know why now and this book helped a lot. Years later, I still read it.
Being a mother, especially a single one, can be one hell of a crock of shit.

Thanks so much for the response,
Yes working would do me the world of good, before DD I worked full time, before that studied for a degree, so I've always had a focus.

The last couple of interviews I've had for work have been heavily affected by having a child. I remember when I told a company I was pregnant prior to my start date they retracted the offer! Another interview the women was so focused on the fact I had a child, another time I had to turn down a job because I couldn't get child care funding. So a lot of bad experience has made me panic.

I'm with you, OP. I really struggled with the early years--things improved once DC turned 7/8. Parenting became enjoyable at times.

I agree with PP--you need a part-time job for stimulation (and sanity!) I know your confidence is low but I can only suggest you apply to any and all that interest you and get interview practice until you find that role that snaps you up. Alternatively, try volunteering.

If you are on universal credit, they will pay up to 85% of child care costs--you do need to pay upfront though.

Things will get better, OP.

People talk about how tireless and thankless it is. But then you have to say 'but it's worth it.'

If you don't say you love it basically you've admitted you're Myra Hindley.

It's taboo to say you hate being a mother. 'it must be ppd'. No. It's just thankless and some children are very difficult, leading to an unrewarding experience.