I have always had anxiety and on and off low mood. I have always had low self esteem, a very shy, awkward and timid person. I can go a few weeks of confidence spurts and no anxiety and then go through months of anxiety where I panic in shops or dread going into my work. In spite of this, its never really stopped me from doing anything, for instance I've never taken time off sick for it. I've always just powered through thinking it would go away but it hasn't. I put this down to my childhood which was filled with various types of trauma which I have really never worked through if I'm honest.
For the past five years I have been working incredibly hard in my career in order to reach a certain job role. All my hard work the past five years has been geared towards this job role, it's my end goal and I am happy to settle in this job for the rest of my working life. I have went through a vigorous application/interview process for the past 3 months. Soooo much stress like I've never experienced and I doubted myself at every stage. To my surprise I got the job.
I having been waiting for this day for five years thinking all the stress will be worth it, if you get the job you've made it (to where I want to be) and you can relax and celebrate. I have 6 months before I start the job role, 6 months of completely spare time to spend with my daughter.
However, when I found out the news I was buzzing for around 2 hours and ever since then I have this god awful pit in my stomach I cannot shift. It's almost worse than the stress during the application process. I keep worrying that they will realise they've made a mistake and take back the job offer. I then think if that doesn't happen then I know there is lots of meetings which will include me speaking out in front of people and doing presentations every few months and deciding suddenly that I won't be able to do that (even though I've always known it's part of the job role and although it makes me nervous I thought I'll be okay, I'll get used to it). Now I'm thinking oh my god, what if I don't get use to it? What if I have a panic attack? What if I hate it so much? What if I start and am absolutely shit?
I know rationally it's normal to be nervous and I've done presentations etc and it is nerve wracking but I've always got through it so I just keep telling myself that.
I just feel so deflated. I have looked forward to this moment for ages and it's here and I just can't enjoy it. Even when I talk myself round I still just have that pit.
I eat sporadically and when I do it's shit junk food, hardly any vegetables, I do no exercise, take no vitamins. I am on the lowest dose of fluoxetine. My mum suggested taking these 6 months to start regulating my eating, eating healthy, going long walks, taking vitamins and upping my anti depressant.
Do you think that will work? I'm so worried that it won't and then there's nothing else to do.
Has anyone else felt this way during what's meant to be a really good time?
I have a big birthday in the summer that I couldn't wait for, this now evokes no emotion when I think about it. I'm so sad I feel like happy moments are being stolen.