Wanting to take my 11 year old away for weekend!

[SillySausage25]

My dd met a girl 2 years younger at a club. They became friendly. When my dd stopped going to the club 6 months later they stayed in touch over the computer ever now and then. The girl lives locally. Her Mum got my number and introduced herself etc. We exchanged a few messages. She invited my daughter over to their house to stay and I agreed (in hindsight I am not sure if it was right). Her Mum messaged me a few times after, just for a chat but that is sporadic and she travels alot. She messaged in January and again this week. She wants to take my daughter away for the weekend to another city with her family/partner as its her daughters birthday. I just don't feel comfortable and neither does my hubby. I am not sure what it is!? When she had her overnight before it was all last minute and she brought her back over 1 hour late and I was getting nervous. She also spent a lot of money taking them shopping, out to dine, animal Park (that costs a fortune). My gut reaction is not to allow it but I feel like I have allowed it by saying yes the first time. My dd has not stayed away for the weekend with another family and I know very little about them. I know I should have thought about this when they asked her to stay over the first time but for various reasons, I did end up agreeing. I am not saying there is something wrong with them, I just don't know them well enough for them to take her away. What are your thoughts and how would you approach this tricky situation?

Just to add, her Mum messaged me but has told her dd who, in turn, has told mine. This is all before I have had chance to get back to her with an answer which I am mad about. 😊 thanks

Sounds like they are truly generous and tbh they must really like your DC. But if you’re not comfortable with your child going to another city with them just politely decline.

If you're not comfortable then you can decline. But you should be aware that your child is now at the age where you are going to get to know their friends' parents increasingly less and less, so at some point you just have to swallow your fears, tell your child to ring you if there is anything amiss, and let them go.

I wouldn't let my child go. You don't know them well enough and it's just not a sensible idea. You don't know how responsible they really are, you don't know that your dd would be safe.

11 is quite young for this kind of thing anyway. I wouldn't have any trouble saying no.

Any chance you could visit the city at the same time, OP? So you’re near your child if needed?

I think it maybe a bit more complicated than that. Unfortunately, her daughter is going though alot at the moment relating to self harm and anxiety. Mum shared this with me and I think this may stem from friendships at school as Mum just said she was having a hard time at school. There doesn't seem to be any other friendships except with my daughter but I could be wrong. Just the vibe I am getting. I think her dd has found a friend in my dd and they want to encourage this. They are very generous and kind people for sure.

@itsbritneybitch92 her Mum hasn't told me where they are planning to take them. I have only heard this second hand from my daughter and its too far/expensive for me to travel there.

[quote SillySausage25]@itsbritneybitch92 her Mum hasn't told me where they are planning to take them. I have only heard this second hand from my daughter and its too far/expensive for me to travel there.[/quote]
Oh dear. Yes I understand. Has she not told you because she’s not sure where they’re going? It all sounds very vague. The mother needs to call you and tell you her exact plans before you can even make a decision!

Coming at this another way, DD is an only child so we often invite others away with us because she likes to bring company.

As a family when we do things we enjoy going to animal parks and funfairs and having big days out! I certainly don't expect anyone to pay for this, we have invited so we pay.

I do always explain to parents (if we don't know them well) that I'm a DBSed registered childminder and offer to meet up so they can get to know us.

However I would never tell the children they've been invited as it is the parents choice, if they aren't comfortable thats fine

If you have any doubts at all then you just say no. What is the most important to you? the wellbeing and safety of your child or the fear of possibly offending someone who you hardly knyow.
If your DD likes the other girl then the friendship can develop at its own pace and she can always spend more time there when you get to know them all better.
I have 3 young adult children, I cant remember any of them going away with another family, ever!

Aw I can see why the mum is pushing so hard, the poor girl. Maybe find a compromise and just explain you feel uncomfortable with your young daughter being away for a whole weekend etc.

I would always go with your gut and if I were you id feel the same.
I’d just be honest and explain how that your not comfortable with your daughter doing that but maybe try and suggest a day out you can all do together so you can get to know this mum better so in time if the friendship lasts you’d feel more comfortable

Did you mean 2 years younger, or 2 years ago? If your dd is 11 and the the other girl is 9, I find that a bit strange.

Also if she is self harming at aged 9, I would be concerned about my dd hanging out with her, without wanting to sound mean.

If you don't know them then of course you don't send your dd away with them.
You just say no thanks, we're a bit busy at the moment.

@46DorothyZbornakIsAQueen yes she is 9 and my dd is nearly 12 and at secondary school. Her Mum disclosed the problems she was having when she dropped my dd off after the sleepover. I would be lying to you if I said that didn't concern me. I just feel so uneasy and wish I had said no in the first place but hindsight is a great thing. I am worried that I may be exposing my daughter to something. Or maybe I am being a dramatic parent. I will be saying no to the weekend without a doubt but I may also say no to the sleepovers.

No. Not a chance in hell.

It is also not on to expect your child to be any sort of emotional support for another young child with mental health issues that is self harming. Her mother telling you that is like emotional blackmail.

I'm normally pretty relaxed about this stuff, my dd is 12 and has always been very sociable. I don't really know any of her new friends parents since she's started high school. Just the other week I dropped her at a random (also younger - relevant as dc her own age don't involve parents but this was parent arranged as you get child doesn't have any media) swimming friends house and dd2 ended up staying too with the little sister. Your situation though rings alarm bells and I'd not agree to it. Probably hope it fizzles out

You are right to worry more about your own daughter's wellbeing, than about upsetting someone else's.

Shes self harming at 9? How terribly sad. I'd find a compromise, anything really to try and bring some happiness to the poor child.

OK, fully ready to be shot down in flames with this but I do speak from a place of experience. Self harming can be 'contagious' . This probably relates more to older teens (my experience) but there can be an environment where one child says to another 'this makes me feel better'.

However, these are very young children. What form does the self harm take? It can be anything from excluding one's self from a group because the child doesn't feel like they fit so limiting their social opportunities to cutting, drinking, drugs.

Personally, my concern would be more focussed on what the self harm is. It isn't your daughter's role to 'fix' this other child or potentially be exposed to damaging behaviour. That's what I'd be seeking assurance around - not where they are going.

She cuts herself on her arms and stoos eating.

I have every sympathy for the girl and her parents but I wouldn’t let my 12 year old travel with another family to a place that was ‘too far/expensive’ for me to get to in an emergency.

@Mojojojo71 I agree. By the time I would get there, the damage would be done.

The fact she is younger is odd esp at that age so I would be discouraging on that basis anyway. And the self harming aspect would be a flat no. My dd is older and had a friend who self harms but simply couldn't cope with it as her friend talked to her a lot about it and lent on her, she was too young to be able to manage that pressure.
I think your instincts are right and I would try and distance your dd from this relationship , she may be feeling an obligation which at 11 is not right.