To ask what it is like to constantly move around the world as an expat family?

[Milesfromme]

When I was growing up, we lived in the same house for almost my entire life, so this is all fairly new to me. DH's career is changing rapidly (I am self employed and can work remotely, so not an issue) and we are currently in London (have been for the past 2 years). He has now been offered a job in Singapore, which would be for a year before moving onto who knows where.

We have two children who have so far thrived in international schools and we all love to see the world, but I'm wondering if there will come a time when it will lose it's appeal?

I was moved around the world until 18. Loved it so much - the last 4 years were in the same place so I could to my GCSEs and ALevels in an international school.
We have been expatting with our children for 9 years although we just came back to give them stability. DH was an expat and had had enough of moving by about 10 so we went stay put for them now.
We spent the last 4 in Singapore - was an amazing place I would definitely recommend it

@YingMei thank you, that's really good to hear. Where have you and your children lived?

With the DC we lived in China (Shanghai) Vietnam and Singapore. Can't wait till they go off to uni or whatever so I can swan off again 😂
In my own childhood I lived in Zurich, China, Bahrain and Dubai.

If your DC are happy to do it then just go. My older DC gets moody if we ever talk about moving and makes us promise not to so we would not put her through that at almost 10 if it would make her unhappy. I'm pretty sure DS would still come along for the ride!

It messes up your education asyour always new to the class and having to keep up.

It broadensyour outlook on life though and you have interesting stories.

My parents did this until I was 18, when they moved back to the UK - lots of positives but definitely some downsides (particularly as an older teen). Overall I would say it was a good thing for us, but a couple of things to think about are:

1. Schools - we were at boarding school to avoid disruption, which worked and was great - but it does mean that when your parents move country while you're away you really struggle to make friends just for the school holidays (a big deal in your late teens!)
2. Being a 'trailing' spouse- I appreciate this might not be relevant to you, but I think my mum massively resented moving and giving up her job. She wasn't really suited to the lifestyle that went with it and that had an impact on everyone else.
3. As an adult I think it has made me much more adaptable and independent - with a love of travelling

Not an expat but I am a military child. Educationally it was OK for me as I'm academic but neither of my sisters thrived with the constant moves. I have a fairly casual attitude to friendship and have no "old" friends from school or anything, they always felt temporary but then that was before mobile phones even so probably easier to stay in touch now. I would do it with my child until she is early teens I think but then I'd want her settled

I absolutely wouldn't be a trailing spouse under any circumstances, and in your shoes, I'd be very careful to put my job, remote or not, front and centre of plans -- will the time zone make a significant difference, for instance?

DH and I have moved around a lot, but slowed down when we had DS, and now that he's ten, have decided to stay where we are till the end of his schooling, as while we're both rolling stones, who like nothing more than a new country, a new language, a new society, DS is much more attached the place.

I moved around when I was little but landed back in the UK permanently when I was 9. I loved it when I was a kid - it gave me a love of languages and other cultures, a sense of adventure and lack of fear of the unknown. Now I'm older, I appreciate all of that but I also miss the childhood friends and shared early memories that others have, and that sense of belonging somewhere. I have no real roots anywhere, nowhere feels like home and that can be freeing but also a bit lonely and disjointing.

We stopped moving last year when elder DD was 10. She was very clear... she didn't want to go to boarding school, and wanted to go to one secondary school.
Now DH moves with his job, and we live in the house we bought. He is only applying for UK roles now really.

It was great when they were young, but there does come a time when their opinion and education matters too. Younger DD would be happy moving around and going to boarding school.

A year on from settling down... I get itchy feet. But just little things like buying furniture and knowing it will fit in our home long term, or making plans a year in advance... thats great too.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

We stopped moving last year when elder DD was 10. She was very clear... she didn't want to go to boarding school, and wanted to go to one secondary school. Now DH moves with his job, and we live in the house we bought. He is only applying for UK roles now really.

It was great when they were young, but there does come a time when their opinion and education matters too. Younger DD would be happy moving around and going to boarding school.

A year on from settling down... I get itchy feet. But just little things like buying furniture and knowing it will fit in our home long term, or making plans a year in advance... thats great too.

That's pretty much where we are at the moment, for a similar reason -- DS (about to turn 10) is way more of a homebody than I ever was.

And you're right, while part of me is getting itchy feet (not helped by lockdown), there are nice things about bedding down for a few years, though we will definitely move on again at some point.

We stopped when eldest was 6. From them on it's been stable home life all the way.

I do totally have itchy feet now and my children appear to be total homebodies.🤷

They are very "grounded" shall we say!

We have stopped now too for sake of DCs secondary school.

It was a mixed bag for me as I am a trailing spouse, and the trailing spouse "pays" the most in my opinion.

We made a decision early on regarding the permanent resting place, and always went there for holidays etc in order to have roots and conection. The children are now in schools that will not change until uni, and are thriving. Being permanent is very good for them at this age.

They are quite sophisticated really (I was a country bunkum ) with a broad world view.

Stopped at 16 but loved it as a child.
If the home environment is right then the child should not suffer school wise - always found we were head of the standard when we move schools.

Moved to the UK aged 16 and was told my education was lacking and I was so far behind!! 4 old style As and 2 S levels later my lack of education was obviously not that bad!

You get really good at making lots of superficial friendships. You are an experienced air passenger. You feel very little connection to a locality or a house. You know you can start over in a new place if needed. You have a broad multicultural attitude to life. You don't get homesick.

I studied abroad at international schools tor all of my education. I had wonderful friendships but struggled to repeat those connections again and to feel that I fit in anywhere as an adult. I feel oddly at home in hotels which is a bit weird. I never had close relationships with relatives and have no friends around me now that I share a common history with. I don’t talk much about my upbringing because it just never seems to connect with others. I was also exposed to a fair bit (actually tons) of sexual harrassment and upsetting events from a young age as a result of where I was living.

This all sounds a bit sad but I am also happy and adjusted otherwise!! However I couldn’t do it to my kids.

But I appreciate your circumstances may be very different and every child is different too.

We did it for 10 years but stopped when the DC got to 16. The children loved it but friendship groups were difficult as continually changing and we are so glad our children got to make friends in our home town at sixth form as they now have friends to go out with during uni holidays and I think they are enjoying being settled and having a proper home now instead of a series of rented houses

I promise you, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not.

Live in the spirt of Julius Caesar (Act I, Scene II):

"Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs and peep about
To find ourselves dishonourable graves."

Be Juli !

As a child I moved from one part of the UK to another at the age of 10 and it was quite difficult re making new friends etc but it all worked out in the end.
When I had my own children and was happily settled in the UK in another place, I became an overseas 'trailing spouse' which I went along with for the sake of my DH's career. Financially it was a good move as the employer was generous and luckily we managed to get ourselves moved back to the UK (albeit in a different location) for the start of the senior school years.
I would say it works best when your children are young. It is actually a very dysfunctional lifestyle and the longer people have lived it, the more superficial their relationships become, as they disengage emotionally from others, knowing particularly in international schools that their 'new best friend' will likely be 'here today, gone tomorrow'.
My own DC are now at UK universities and both say they have no plans to leave the UK as adults and wouldn't want to do that to their kids even though it had exciting aspects at the time. They would both move for work within the UK though as that seems trivial in comparison after what they experienced. Our DC definitely missed out on access to the extended family while we were overseas even though many did visit. I personally would hate to live in Singapore (I have visited it) but fortunately both our overseas locations were democracies which was important to me. We kept a UK property while we were abroad which helps a bit with 'roots' although we never moved back into it when we finally returned. It helps if you have a plan and know you are an 'expat' and not permanently moving somewhere, but the temporary nature of it is also what makes it hard to settle properly, or you will fully settle and then the company wants you to move again!

It sounds a brilliant life in lots of ways. My family did this on occasion before I was secondary age, though not back to back overseas postings but a year or two overseas interspersed with UK based living so it wasn’t ever feeling fully permanent when we lived overseas. UK culture felt like the default in hindsight, if not the default at the time.

But do I think it’s easy to overestimate a sense of place and the stability of connections made if you permanently live in the UK maybe? It’s a relatively mobile population here for lots of reasons, in urban areas at least.

And of course this is a bit of an unanswerable question because we all only have one life to live and you can’t really compare it with others’ experiences, but just try to live it as feels best to you. Everyone’s temperaments are different and the family can only really be as happy as it’s least happy member, but that still applies wherever you live. Good luck- it feels like something that’s good for a family to try out, even if you then only decide to do it once, or only for a fixed time period.

@capstix

I promise you, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not.

Live in the spirt of Julius Caesar (Act I, Scene II):

"Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs and peep about
To find ourselves dishonourable graves."

Be Juli !

Given the context and intent of this speech - a (successful) attempt to persuade someone to join an assassination to prevent one man having dangerous amounts of power — do you really think it’s an argument in favour of ‘best riding the narrow world’?

We've moved twice with our kids and doubt we will do it again until they're both at uni (if we are still happy where we are currently). My kids have lost interest in DHs family (but they lived away from us in the UK, plus there's other things that have came into play with that) but we are still close to my family as they actually make an effort.
Schooling wise - I'll be honest and think that the standard at the schools we've been at is high. I've no concerns or regrets in what we've done. My children are enjoying experiencing different cultures foods and languages and I think that enriched them more than anything else. They are good travellers and are quite flexible and resilient in the grand scheme of things. Eldest often talks about where she wants to live and travel to where she's older and I'm glad we've given them both the opportunity to see the world.

Moved about till I was 10. Loved every minute as a child. Pool/beach life was fab. So many great experiences. Had lots of international friends.
Moved back to the UK for high school and found it difficult to settle and fit in. Wish I had had a chance to get a final primary school year under my belt before settling as I never really got to know people in my local village and never felt like a part of the community. I lost my confidence for a long time.

I think if you are going to do it, do it from start to beginning where they will have and international set of friends for life and the confidence that goes with that. Or you settle them back home while they are still in their primary school years so they can make local ties.
I felt like I had neither.
I have done the opposite of my parents and become a proper nester. Settled into a village and bringing my children up there with no intention of ever moving. Perhaps you always rebel against what you were brought up with.

We're just about to move to our third Asian country, first time kids were under 3, second time under 6, both times we just upped and moved, kids settled very quickly. This time they are teens, it's not a move we're making lightly and there have been tears and tantrums, I'm hoping for the best and planning for the worst! Definitely under no illusions that the first school year from September is likely to be challenging. But, after the initial angst the teens are being fairly accepting and actually a lot of their friends are moving to, partially where we live, partially it's just that age group when kids go to board for IB/A or families resettle.

Think through timings for kids, and think through their personalities, DD needs one or two close mates and she's fine, DS needs "a tribe" and they are harder to find.

Re trailing spouse, and especially working trailing spouse, I'll not deny it's tough. Stereotypically NonWorking trailing spouses throw themselves into kids/school lives or personal passion projects that happen during the day, if you're working it's harder to get into that groove. So if you carry on working think through how you do that, hours may not matter for your work but presumably you want time in the late afternoon/evening with family so you work in the day, which is cutting out time to make your own friends.

Genuinely I'd say go for it, but do so with your eyes open. SG has a number of expat and expat wives Facebook pages, join those and get a more realistic feel for the experiences, grumbles and questions about life there.