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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I make a mistake with relocation?

19 replies

JennyShirley123 · 03/03/2022 14:18

I'm not from london originally but moved there for work after university and lived there for about 14 years, met DH there and we lived in zone 2 together for about 10 years. We had two DC in a small third floor flat and I really fell out of love with london after becoming a mum. I felt like everything felt like hard work, and I wasn't benefitting from central london, just going round the same local parks and shops each day and paying for expensive housing.

We decided to move in order to buy a house, this was about 10 months ago. I was so excited about the move and had no doubts. The house is really lovely and it's a nice safe area with good schools but I feel quite cut off and panicky about that. We didn't know anyone when we moved here and left my in laws behind - I didn't realise how much I enjoyed the security of having them local. We are now 20 miles away. I'm also so nostalgic about where we lived for our children's early years. I think about the places we went with them and feel so sad.

Where we are now we are about a 15 minute cycle from the station here which has three trains an hour into central london, the trains take 25 minutes so I was expecting to feel like we still have a london life, but it feels so different. Nothing around us except houses and some (beautiful) countryside. We have to cycle (not practical with the kids) or drive to do anything.

I feel like I need to give myself a shake. The local town is lovely and is less than 10 mins drive away. We do some regular classes and groups. We are friendly with some local people who also loved for similar reasons. It's just strange looking out of the window or stepping outside and there's nothing there, and having to drive everywhere.

I am starting a part time job soon and will be commuting into london once a week which I'm hoping will help me feel a bit more connected.

Does it sound like I have made a mistake or is this a "grass is always greener" mentality? I'm annoyed with myself as I was desperate to make this move.

OP posts:
SamphiretheStickerist · 03/03/2022 14:25

Take a reality check.

What you have is space, clean air, less noise etc.

If you don't like that and would prefer a flat with easy access to public transport then move back.

But your new life sounds a lot more connected than many of us have, where we don't have trains or buses.

It's a matter of preference and perspective. And only you can know what you actually value most.

Sensibly wait and see what difference the job makes.

babyjellyfish · 03/03/2022 14:27

It sounds like you have a nice setup OP.

Are you sure you aren't just mourning your pre kids life a bit?

I bet you will feel better once you are going into London once a week.

Sparticuscaticus · 03/03/2022 14:33

Give yourself a friendly shake OP

You moved for better housing and schools. You have that.
You'll settle in, it's early days. You have lovely memories when DCs were little but your DCs will appreciate where you live now. That lovely home you've bought and stability in this new area. 25 mins out of London is nothing

. I moved 90 mins out of London. We have space excellent schools and we are very happy.

Life changes and we thank the day we moved! A tiny box flat to great size 3 bed house with lovely big garden, parking , garage, top performing schools we can walk to and really good quality of life? Yup. Thanks- I'll take that!

My friends that stayed behind in London have remained financially stressed and schooling has been a nightmare for them.

None of their DCs are close to their classmates unlike mine who pop in to play with classmates up the road!

Butteryflakycrust83 · 03/03/2022 14:46

AH OP I feel you. We had a lovely victorian flat in a lively London neighbourhood and moved when DC was six months to a greener area out of town.

I too miss the area, the choice of shops, the flat but its because I miss that part of my life i think. Doesnt mean i want to give up what I have now, and remind myself of this when we are enjoying the garden in the spring!

saoirse31 · 03/03/2022 14:53

Tbf your in-laws being 20 miles away means they're actually quite close. What's that, 20 r 30 mins drive?

waterrat · 03/03/2022 15:03

How old are your kids? I have older children in London and so stressed trying to move from the pollution traffic and knife crime. Yes London has its wonderful side (grew up here myself) but yoi just have to take the realistic amount of time to build a community.

Your children will make friends at school and I think within a couple of years you will see the benefits of country life. I would forget the London link and get really into local life. As your children grow you will appreciate it more.

Can you start really exploring the local countryside with the children?

waterrat · 03/03/2022 15:05

I panicked when we arrived in our corner of South London it felt so suburban. Ten years on I know everybody have loads of friends and a totally different social life.. now I'm crying my eyes as wr prepare to move out of London ourselves!

Its always hard moving and settling in. But better to move now than wait til secondary years as your kids will help you put down roots

Grinling · 03/03/2022 15:09

When I moved out of London with a small child, it was a mistake, but only you know your own priorities. In our case, having a four-bedroom house on the edge of a pretty village in lovely countryside, a garden, fresh air, peace and safety in no way made up for the loss of London (where we lived in a one-bed flat in zone 2) or for an insanely insular mentality. It was a safe place to raise a young child. That's all I can give it. We moved on again eventually, after giving it our best shot.

appleturnovers · 03/03/2022 15:17

How old are your kids? Could you get one of those bike trailers for them? We've got a double one and it's brilliant, fits loads of shopping in too, and according to the instructions can carry them up to age 4. I know this doesn't answer your question, but might help with one aspect of it...

DuchessofAnkh22 · 03/03/2022 15:18

Where are you (roughly)....

There is a heap of difference between some of the "25 minutes from London" places....

Hoolihan · 03/03/2022 15:23

Sounds like your mistake wasn't leaving London, it was moving to an area with no local amenities. As your kids get older and more mobile this will hopefully matter less as they'll be able to bike/bus themselves around instead of having you drive everywhere.

JennyShirley123 · 03/03/2022 15:26

Thank you for the replies so far, children are 3 and 1 so not school age yet. We are near Gerrards Cross.

OP posts:
PavoReal · 03/03/2022 15:42

I had a similar story - in London after uni for 15 years. Then moved out when the DTs were 12 months. It's daunting, just the seemingly small things like no one walks anywhere! 15 years of being car free and then suddenly needing a car for everything.
Fast forward 9 years and I look where I used to live (zone 2 - loved it) and I'm puzzled as to how my children would play football matches or go horse riding as easily as they do here.
You need at least 2 years to bed down and for you all to start making proper friendships. I don't so much mourn my London life anymore, I would call it getting nostalgic for the old days.

NOTANUM · 03/03/2022 15:43

I would also struggle with a location where you have to drive anywhere. Is there an option to move into Gerrards Cross?

I know of similar commuter style areas with no public transport and yea you get a lot for your money. But it’s hard to feel a community when everyone else is in a car.

NOTANUM · 03/03/2022 15:44

@PavoReal my kids did football and horse riding in London, both within 10 minutes of the house. Grin

Wilkolampshade · 03/03/2022 15:45

The job will make all the difference OP. Hold tight.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/03/2022 15:54

I've moved a lot and it always takes time to settle in a new place. Plus the pandemic can't have helped. What I find when I move is it helps to turn up to everything that's happening and make a tiny bit of small talk with a lot of people. Basically, don't worry about making friends, make lots of acquaintances and the friends will make themselves. You just need to keep turning up and smiling so that people firstly recognise you, then get to like you

See if you can go to toddler groups or classes, hang around in the playground at the park when it's reasonably busy and go to story time at the library. Also if you don't want to drive then a child carrier tricycle might work for you, they're expensive but not as expensive as a car. Some of them are fabulous with cabin type child transport and electric assist, and some are very simple, like this one for £850.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 03/03/2022 16:09

Erm, well. How to put this.....
You moved to Gerrards Cross, not the Outer Hebrides. Your inlaws are 20 minutes away.
Just get on with it. Sounds ideal.

JennyShirley123 · 03/03/2022 18:03

@SpiderinaWingMirror thank you I actually need a reality check.

The in laws are an hour away because of traffic but I appreciate in the grand scheme of things it isn't far.

Maybe one day this area will feel like home.

OP posts:
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