Not to share photos to appease grandparents

[Onedaylikethi5]

Dd is 5, my 'D'F and Step mum live nearby. I realised they never arranged to see us and I got bored with doing all the work to facilitate them having a relationship with their granddaughter so I stopped. I feel like having space in lockdown made me realise how hard I was working to involve them with DD. I then realised they felt that seeing what we were doing via social media was enough for them, so I stopped using it. They now want a WhatsApp group to 'see lots of photos' of DD.

AIBU to want them to either have a proper relationship with DD or just leave us alone? Photos aren't enough and I don't need more admin. There is no reason they can't see her, they just don't seem to want to make any effort but want the bragging rights of being Grandparents. I want my daughter to be loved and cared for and known.

Do they maybe feel they wouldn't be welcome to invite themselves over, rather than waiting to be asked? Have you discussed it with them or said 'Don't feel you have to have wait to be invited over to see her - just let me know if you want to pop round'?

Not letting them see photos seems petty to me. It's doing neither you nor your daughter any harm for them to see photos of her, on social media, and while I understand why you think they should make more effort to see her, I think refusing to share photos as a punishment for them not being very involved as grandparents is just unnecessary. I understand you want them to have your preferred type of grandparent-granddaughter relationship, but maybe that's just not the way they see it and you can't force that sort of thing.

I just don't see why it has to be 'all or nothing'. If it were me I'd just accept that their idea of being grandparents was a bit different to mine. But perhaps there's a lot of background and context that you're not telling us and this is going to be a massive dripfeed that reveals them to be the most horrific people in the world or something.

YANBU at all. She’s a person not a doll. Are they type who’ll show their friends and pretend their grandparents of them year while making no effort to actually be involved?

They’re taking the piss. Just ignore.

Did you reply suggesting that they come round and see her more instead? Otherwise they may not want to bother you, I no you are venting on here but you don’t exactly sound hospitable towards them. If you facilitated everything and then stopped without being direct about it, I can see why they may not feel comfortable pushing to see her more, maybe they though asking for photos privately was a good compromise rather than inviting themselves over.

Just say you don't want dd's pics on social media and the like.
My adult dc aren't allowed to put my small dc on anywhere..

Have you spoken to them about seeing DD more.
Letting them know your own thoughts and feelings on the matter and listening to their thoughts and feelings and coming to a conclusion together?

Communication is key to a successful relationship.

Maybe they felt the social media contact was enough during the pandemic because they were keeping themselves to themselves? Lots of people didn't see families for 2 years or so. It's not because they didn't care. They clearly are interested if they're asking for photos. I'd send a few photos a week. It only takes a minute. I'd also invite them round to see her.

I am sure you can find many reasons for not wanting photos shared on social media. YANBU.

I had this. They asked for a night photo a day. I have two children. So when I only sent a photo of one of them they wanted to see a photo of the other child too! I once resent a photo from a previous week and they replied we have already seen that one, send another one. It was ridiculous. I don't take photos every day of them. I soon stopped sending any.

*new not night

I have a relative like this. They have all the time in the world whereas I am stretched in multiple directions constantly and yet I was the one doing all the facilitating and organising. I've stopped doing it, and since then, the last unprompted contact was last May. I had a reply to a text at the beginning of February that I sent and it didn't go past that. It's honestly baffling.

Do what you need to do, if they want to see you or your daughter, then they can make an effort.

Demanding “lots of photos” would irritate me too! Saying “can we have a group to chat and each share some photos” would be one thing, but this sounds like you’ve got an obligation to them.

are they not even capable of setting up a group themselves?

Yanbu

I don’t think sending some photos to grandparents in a WhatsApp group is ‘sharing photos on social media’.

Yes they should want to have a relationship with your DD beyond looking at photos of her but I think you withdrawing any effort won’t help the situation.

As them if they want to arrange something they can do with DD so she can spend some time with then.

It doesn’t sound like you like your DF and his wife. Don’t you want to spend time with them?

I'd say "We're not putting photos up on any form of social media. If you want to see DD and are interested in your grand daughter, she is in full living colour, living around the corner in Number 1 Main Street, etc. etc. Please phone before popping around so that we can be sure to be in for your visit"

Best of luck with it all.

It wouldn't take you much effort to send some photos to a family WhatsApp group once a fortnight or so, and it seems a bit mean not to do so, even if you're not happy with their level of engagement. To some posters who seem to think it's putting photos on social media: WhatsApp groups aren't really social media, since they are private. I used to have photos of the DC developed (before digital camera were even invented), put them in an envelope and post them to DGPs - it's what they like, seeing photos of the DGC.

I don’t know this is your stepmother after all.
I’ve read enough threads on here to know that lots of people don’t like family popping around especially stepmothers.
They probably know that you are busy looking after children and working(?) and don’t want to put any pressure on you to see them if you haven’t got time. Is your mum around, do you see her? That might also be awkward.
Why not invite them around on a specific date and see how it goes. If they make excuses not to come and don’t re arrange you will have your answer.

"They now want a WhatsApp group to 'see lots of photos' of DD."

I would suggest to them that photographs are a poor substitute for a relationship with DD, and they come visit DD and maybe take their own photographs as a record of that relationship.

That will take care of whether they want a relationship, whether they're willing to make the time and effort for DD, or whether they just want photos for "the bragging rights of being Grandparents".

And I wouldn't set up a WhatsApp group.

it's what they like, seeing photos of the DGC

Rather than just..actually seeing them in this case...

Thanks all. To add, I've invited them, suggested visits etc. They have not taken me up on those offers, when they asked for the group and the photos I suggested meeting again, no reply. Lots of other things take priority, which is fine, but their choice right? Photos won't make up for that though.

I think you’re being petty.
You really don’t like your father and his wife do you? The last 2 years have made it very difficult for older people to meet up with their grandchildren, your child would have been very young at the start of the pandemic. I’m assuming you take photos of your child? I’m also assuming that you don’t actually want them to be round at your house all the time either!

Come off it @Soontobe60 it's no harder for them to arrange it than it is for the OP to deal with it all, presumably they also aren't juggling small children..

Her child would have been three at the start of the pandemic, I fail to see what that has to do with it. If anything two years of pandemic should give them a kick up the arse to want to see the child.