To cancel Easter trip north for this?

[Briannashoshanna]

We moved to just outside London from the north of Scotland a year ago. Many reasons for this including my job - it was one of a kind and looking precarious where we were and in our new town there are lots of jobs like it which are far better paid with better prospects. I have a new job which is a big step up and the increased salary by far covers the increase in living costs. DH has since got a new job here too.

We really like where we live - the schools are better, DS has had a learning problem identified which was always glossed over at old school, DD12 is doing great academically at new school and teenage DD has made some good friends and is going to university in Sept.

The issue is DD12. Although she’s doing brilliantly at school she is totally miserable here. We knew that moving would be an upheaval but never thought that a year on she’d still be saying she hates it and wants to move back.

She says we have ruined her life by moving. She has made new friends at her new school and has been to parties etc but says they are not like her old friends.

She speaks to her old friends every day. They have a chat group and from the moment I pick her up she is on it. We’ve tried to get her to join clubs etc but the only one she’s stuck at she’s adamant there is no one there she likes.

We’ve tried to make it easier for her by going up to Scotland every 2-3 months when there are school holidays and staying with family so she can see her friends. However I’m now thinking this has been a mistake. Whenever we get home from a trip north she is even more unhappy.

We are due to go up next month and I’m thinking about cancelling saying I have to work. I honestly am starting to feel as though if she just had less contact with her old friends she would be happier here. I can’t do much about the phone and chat group though we do ask her to put her phone down if she’s on it a lot. DH thinks not going up next month might be too cruel. I do t know what to do.

Haven’t got time to write much but don’t give up. 12/13 is the hardest age to adjust to moving. 1 year is. It enough you need to give it another year.
That’s my short answer!

No harm in not going up and investing In Friendships here, but make it about work and be really sorry maybe offer a sleepover

I moved at that age and found it really hard too, however my circumstances were very different and it sounds like you are doing your best to support her. I’d give it more time too. If you’ve already organised trip I’d go, but maybe after that plan a family holiday to a new destination - maybe she can help choose ?

I think if its already planned and she knows about there will be a big fallout from cancelling, but you could skip May half term - just never raise it as a possibility. Its not unreasonable for her to stay in touch - we moved away when kids were much younger but my DD in particular has one friend that she stays in sporadic touch with and they visit back and forth, 7 years on. I do know what you mean about the visits making things worse - I did cut down on the frequency of ours and it helped. I2 year olds can be pretty dramatic. you haven't ruined her life - you've made an adjustment for the benefit of the whole family. being near London will be a huge plus culturally and socially when she is older and able to go off independently and its not like she has no friends. It takes time to build those friendships - of course its not the same straight off. Some adult perspective and judgement needs to come into play here.

Personally I wouldn’t cancel an already planned trip. And I would also facilitate her close friendships with her old friend too if that is what she feels she wants. Life is hard for teenagers emotionally. I personal feel the resentment might ramp up if you purposely deny her access.

I wondered if you have an emotional reaction yourself to her comments & feelings about wanting to move back to north? That’s where I would be putting my efforts into, if that makes sense. Managing your emotional response to her feelings and actions. You’ve made a move that is the right move for your family unit. If she’s finding it hard then think of ways to help support her feelings. It reads a little like you would like her to stop feeling that way as it is uncomfortable for you - which children will likely always pick on and almost receive an unconscious validation that they’re right to feel that way. I wouldn’t tell her to get off her phone chatting to her old friends. I would, however, think of fun evening trips (maybe into London to see a show etc) that she can mention to her old friends by message. Acknowledging her feelings without trying to fix them or squash them would basically be my approach.

I would absolutely not cancel the trip, or discourage her from staying in close contact with her old friends, it sounds like she really need that closeness right now. I would instead just let it run its course, once her friendships where you live deepen, her need for emotional support through her Scottish friends will start to go away. I think you would cause all sorts of problems if you try and manage her friendships, even if the thoughtt behind it is well meaning.

I wouldn’t cancel the trip, but maybe you need to not rush back again. She needs to invest in friendships where she lives now, hopefully some time and distance will help that.

I don't think it's fair to cancel a planned trip. But you can always not plan one for May half term?

I think some time with her old friends will be good for her. Perhaps she may even realise that her new ones are good too ….?

I would probably still do the trip otherwise she will just be more miserable but at home would encourage the friendships she has now, so maybe have some of them round for pizza and watch a movie on Netflix or Prime or something or take them out for a meal as a treat.

I am a trailing spouse and with each move I know I can only look forward and not backwards. I have left behind family and really good friends as well as jobs I truly enjoyed. I would sympathise with your daughter but try to put a positive spin on it all. At 12 it is very hard to understand the move for jobs, I find it hard as an adult.

Can her Scottish friend(s) visit her during a school holiday? We moved every 2 years from when my eldest was 3 and second a new born until they were teens, they had friends visit, each old set of friends were eventually replaced by a new set and then we'd move so start again

Let the friendships continue. She's of an age where they might fizzle through growing up and changing interests and it's better to let that occur naturally. If they continue, then they're very strong friendships and are important to her.

Supporting her socially at home is important too. Does she do anything outside school? Is there much wider school life? It can be hard to find your tribe sometimes.

I feel for you, OP. And i feel for your daughter (I was an army brat). It feels like the end of the world at that age. And although i didn't spend 12 years in one place then move, moving every 2-3 years was a pain. Just when you had everything running nicely with school, friends, clubs - BAM! - off you went again.

Eventually i went to boarding school and homesickness was awful, and i think your DD is feeling something like that. And you know, you learn to live with homesickness and your DD will too. Can she go up for the holidays on her own and stay with family? that way you don't have to (although you do get the fall-out when she comes back).

No real advice outside of you probably just have to ride the storm. Maybe for a long time.