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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To acknowledging miscarriages

25 replies

Carey55 · 03/03/2022 01:17

I am blessed to have healthy children but having had 2 miscarriages I would like to acknowledge these during my baby’s baptism- how do I do this? Should I do this?

OP posts:

Gizacluethen · 03/03/2022 06:15

I get it, I've had one and tell people if talking about conceiving and suff. But my miscarriage is mine not DSs.

Their baptism is about them, not you or their lost siblings I think, sorry but I wouldn't

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/03/2022 06:18

No I wouldn't do this
Why would you during your baby's baptism? It's not the time.
I'm sorry for your losses (I have also lost pregnancies) but it's just not the right thing to do.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/03/2022 06:20

No, it's separate. I get the need to acknowledge mc (I've also had losses) but this isn't the right time or place.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 06:21

I understand and am sorry for your losses but your baby's baptism is about them, no one else.

NudieUnderTheOodie · 03/03/2022 06:27

I'd perhaps just ask the minister to acknowledge that this is a very precious baby, born after loss and much wanted and prayed for, so you thank God for them etc.

More so if your MC were late, after you'd had scans and told people etc. If your losses were earlier, not that it makes it any less of a loss, but it wouldn't necessarily occur to me to reference MC specifically publicly at an event, just that this is a very special baby. Baptism is to welcome your baby into the church family and needs to be about them.

I think I understand where you're coming from though, and I'm sorry you experienced those losses of your babies.

Twizbe · 03/03/2022 07:45

I understand where you're coming from, but your child's baptism is about them and thanking god for their life.

If you want to do something small, perhaps have a candle lit for any list pregnancies but don't refer to them during the service.

At our wedding we had 2 candles lit to represent our loved ones who were no longer there (one for each of our families) only my DH and I knew they were there or what they were for. It was our private acknowledgement of them.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 07:48

@Twizbe that isn't a bad idea. Don't draw attention to them or anything but it's a way for you to privately acknowledge them if you wanted.

JustWonderingIfYou · 03/03/2022 08:22

Its a bit inappropriate. You're making the baptism about you and your loss when it supposed to be about your baby and their religion.

whosaidtha · 03/03/2022 08:36

You could add a bidding prayer for pregnancy loss?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 03/03/2022 08:38

Prayer of the faithful, we pray for all the souls of babies who didn't make it on to Earth, or for parents who have lost babies or you can be specific.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 08:39

@whosaidtha

You could add a bidding prayer for pregnancy loss?

I really don't think that's appropriate. This is a celebration of her child finding the Lord.

drpet49 · 03/03/2022 08:42

* Its a bit inappropriate. You're making the baptism about you and your loss when it supposed to be about your baby and their religion.*

^I completely agree with this.

Cocycola · 03/03/2022 09:08

I wouldn't verbally say or do anything, however you could maybe wear something like a brooch or a flower on the day which personally to you represents your losses and includes them?

istandwithukraine · 03/03/2022 10:16

I understand that you'd like to honour them in some way but when I had my twins after 7 losses I'd never have dreamed of doing this. I agree with others that you would be making the baptism about what has been lost not about what you've gained.

Does your church have a baby loss memorial garden? I'd perhaps take some flowers there or perhaps sponsor a bench or make a donation of some kind

balalake · 03/03/2022 10:36

I think asking to acknowledge miscarriage in the prayers (and all those involved in maternity care I suggest) would be appropriate.

Winday · 03/03/2022 10:49

You could have a prayer to show thanks for baby's safe arrival. But I think that's as far as I would go. As PP said, this day is about welcoming your child into the Church.

VainAbigail · 03/03/2022 10:56

I think it would depend on how far along the loss was. I’ve had 2 early miscarriages and never thought to mention them but if it was a late one, I’d mark it in some other way like a candle or piece of jewellery. The baptism is about this particular child and that’s who people are there to celebrate.

warmeduppizza · 03/03/2022 10:59

Acknowledging the losses at the baptism is absolutely fine. It's like acknowledging those who are no longer with us at a wedding. It can be done during the prayers - any minister worth their salt would know how to do this sensitively and meaningfully. It won't take away from the happy occasion, it will only make it feel more precious and personal.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 11:00

I think you also have to be considerate of your guests. You may not know what they have been through and they may not be expecting to have their experiences bought back to them at a baptism.

HiJenny35 · 03/03/2022 11:04

No, do it a different time and in a different way. It will take away from the occasion. Its about the passage of the child being baptised. A wedding is completely different as that's your event and you can choose to remember who you want but this is the child's event so inappropriate to put your slant on it.

UniversalTruth · 03/03/2022 11:09

I think a prayer for all mothers, including those who've have suffered loss in pregnancy is absolutely fine. A baptism is many things, including a chance for the parents to thank God for all their children.

LindaEllen · 03/03/2022 11:38

I disagree with this the same way I disagree with babies after loss being called 'Rainbow Babies'. Do not allow your baby to be defined in relation to previous losses. They are their own person, they are not a replacement for the babies you sadly lost. Absolutely mark the little ones you lost in some way, but don't tie it to anything with this baby, it's not fair.

warmeduppizza · 03/03/2022 11:47

An infant baptism isn't just 'the child's event' and a wedding isn't completely different. You can't celebrate a big event in the life of the family of God without acknowledging other events that affect the family of God, it would be like sitting down at Christmas dinner and being told that all conversation topics except Christmas are off limits. Sacraments aren't about perfection, they are about brokenness.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2022 11:50

It isn't a good idea IMHO. I agree that some guests may have their own grief to deal with

Rosesareyellow · 03/03/2022 12:23

I don’t think it’s the same as a wedding at all, since if it’s your wedding it’s about you and it’s your choice to organise it that way for yourself. A christening isn’t about you it’s about the child. I think it’s more comparable to doing this sort of thing on a child’s birthday - and surely that would be inappropriate.

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