Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that I'm going to be fired for being too shy?

27 replies

ohnoohnonono · 02/03/2022 19:05

I am really shy, and at work I really struggle during meetings. I get anxious for hours before meetings where I know I'm going to have to speak and I over-prepare for them. In the meetings I stay silent unless I'm directly addressed, I guess I believe my thoughts and opinions don't matter.

I've noticed a senior manager has started to address lots of to me, but they have a sense of humor I find difficult to understand to which means I give really awkward answers and don't really understand how I'm supposed to respond.

I'm worried that they are going to talk to my line manager about it and I'm going to get disciplined or fired for being too shy.

My colleagues are all around my age (mid-to-late 20s) and they all get on really well, they're a really sociable group and I struggle to fit in with them and feel like a complete outsider. I've seen new staff join recently who have just fitted in with them straight away

OP posts:
cuno · 02/03/2022 19:10

I think it sounds like they are trying to encourage you to open up and get used to being put on the spot sooner rather than later, it sounds quite necessary for the job. Or it could be that they think you might be holding back and giving you the chance to say what you think if no-one else is giving you the chance. I think either/both of those with a combination of anxiety around it is what is going on, rather than that you're actually in trouble for being shy. However, if your shyness holds you back and impacts on your performance going forward it could be a problem. How long have you worked there? If at least 2 years then you can't simply dispose of you.

cuno · 02/03/2022 19:11

*then they can't simply dispose of you

Original poster
ohnoohnonono · 02/03/2022 19:32

I've been there for 6 months

OP posts:
SevenWaystoLeave · 02/03/2022 19:36

I felt very much like this when I was younger and though I have improved with practice, I still sometimes feel nervous and always have to prep in advance for meetings where I'll need to speak. But one thing I discovered is I actually don't come across nearly as shy as I feel, and people are often surprised when I tell them how nervous I get. So it may be the case that you don't come across as shy as you feel either. People can't necessarily "see" shyness even when in your own head it feels massive. I would also say if the contributions you do make are good and worthwhile it doesn't matter if you're not the type to be talking all the time. In fact, the opposite can be a problem - some people talk all the time in meetings but never actually say anything constructive, and they're taking up useful airtime. Sometimes it's actually a good quality to save your contributions for when you actually have something to say.

One trick you might find helpful is to prepare some points in advance on the topic of the meeting even when you don't have to speak, then you won't have to think of things to say on the spot. Or you could think of questions to ask the person who is presenting or speaking - it can be really helpful to the group to ask for clarity on something complicated, or to ask some what-if questions. Other things I find helpful - being an "active" participant even if you aren't speaking, ie non-verbal reactions to the speaker, nodding, smiling, laughing at jokes. Note taking also helps me keep track of the conversation, jot down points or questions as they occur to you to bring up when the speaker is done, and there've been times I've volunteered to be the minute taker, which is great because then no one expects you to speak. Basically, anything to avoid being put on the spot because that is instant brainfreeze for me. If you're able to do some prep and start volunteering more contributions it may pre-empt this manager from putting you on the spot all the time, which really isn't helping.

You don't say how long you've been in the job - are you relatively new? If so hopefully people will be understanding that you need
time to build confidence and learn your role. If you are not new, have you ever been given feedback on this before or told it was an issue? How big a part of your job role is it to attend and contribute to these meetings?

cornflakedreams · 02/03/2022 19:41

I directly invite junior / newer members of our team to contribute in meetings, but it's to encourage them, to communicate that I value their contributions, and to ensure they get an opportunity to speak as I know it can be difficult to feel able to/know how to just chip in.

It's not about trying to catch anyone out and it wouldn't occur to me to report back on anyone just because they were nervous or less confident in responding. You don't build confidence by knocking people.

cuno · 02/03/2022 19:42

Unfortunately until you have 2 years of service, they can get rid of you for anything as long as it's not for a protected characteristic. They could just not like the colour of the top you have on and send you packing. However, ime good companies don't operate in this way and will address any concerns and support you throughout your probationary period, which many companies consider to be the first 6 months or so. Have you had a probationary review yet or due to have one?

cornflakedreams · 02/03/2022 19:43

Have you ever tried CBT to help with your anxiety around this? It could help you break some of those thinking/behaviour patterns that are driving your anxiety and making you stumble.

Frazzled50yrold · 02/03/2022 19:45

Do the Myers Briggs personality tests and learn to appreciate yourself. I can be quiet but I'm very insightful and any team needs a variety of attributes.

Original poster
ohnoohnonono · 02/03/2022 19:48

I'm currently doing CBT via my GP but it's not really helped with this specific issue much

I have passed my probationary period

OP posts:
SevenWaystoLeave · 02/03/2022 19:51

OP, you must have had a performance review in 6 months - have you ever received any feedback to say your quietness is a problem?

cuno · 02/03/2022 19:53

@ohnoohnonono

I'm currently doing CBT via my GP but it's not really helped with this specific issue much

I have passed my probationary period

And no mention of what you're worried about, I presume? I think you have nothing to be concerned about then as you're likely no more nervous than when you first started. I know that anxiety can be a bitch though. I do hope that CBT does help you with this even though you say no luck with it yet.
thesandwich · 02/03/2022 19:58

Could you ask your boss for a mentor? Someone who could give you advice about your work situations? Or ask someone you admire to mentor you? People will be flattered.
It costs a huge
amount of money and time to recruit- I’m sure they would rather you succeed!

QuizzicalEyebrows · 02/03/2022 20:01

Do you have mild Aspergers that's not yet been diagnosed

Gowithme · 02/03/2022 20:02

Shy, struggling to fit in, not understanding someone's humour, giving awkward answers - is it possible you are autistic OP?

SevenWaystoLeave · 02/03/2022 20:03

Not everyone who is shy is autistic.

Halllyup17 · 02/03/2022 20:14

I'm shy and struggle to fit in with others. I've been asked to leave multiple courses and jobs due to being shy. It's tough, and I empathise with you. All I can say is that I've got better as I've got older.

Cakecakeandcake · 02/03/2022 20:17

I’m shy and not autistic. There are different types of people in the world, loud, quiet, shy and so on. That’s just the way we are.

SevenWaystoLeave · 02/03/2022 20:18

I'd also add not everyone who is autistic is shy - my dp is on the spectrum and is the more outgoing of the two of us.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/03/2022 20:24

I think you might find CBT really helpful in managing your anxiety and reframing how you think about the meetings and the team.

A referral from your GP might take time, but there are online resources. Do take some action though, anxiety can get worse if not managed.

TheNestedIf · 02/03/2022 20:29

I think they're just trying to bring you out of yourself. They sound a lot like the senior manager I first had when I joined a company as a graduate. I was quite quiet back then, and was convinced I wouldn't pass my probation. If you've passed probation, I don't think you need worry too much.

It's your senior manager's job to nurture you, promote you, and help you add value, and I believe that is what they are trying to do.

SpikeySmooth · 02/03/2022 20:38

Shy and introverted here. Have had anxiety in the past, but CBT didn't help. I used mindfulness and took up different creative hobbies. Not ND/ASD, just a thinker rather than a speaker.

I loathe my bosses trying to get me to talk in meetings. My most recent manager is sympathetic to my personality traits and doesn't target me at all. He'll say, if you don't want to talk, fine, either drop me an email with your thoughts or we can talk one on one later.

I think if your manager keeps trying to get you to talk to a group and you're not comfortable doing it, s/he doesn't know you, or any of his/her team, very well. Or can't be bothered to try. We are not all the same, robots, with the same abilities or personalities. We all deal with situations very differently.

ElIie · 02/03/2022 20:43

OP I could have posted this. I am exactly the same. I’ve been at my job for 10 months. I’ve seen new people come and fit in seamlessly, which is so demoralising.

I’m terrified to speak up in meetings for fear I might say something stupid. I have a Fitbit and my heart rate reaches 160 bpm in meetings. It doesn’t helped bring the only woman and they laughed about me being dumb the other day which really sucks :(

My boss has taken noticed and asked me to why I don’t contribute more. I’ve bitten the bullet and decided to take anti-anxiety medication. Going to pick up the prescription tomorrow. Hopefully it will improve things.

Just know you aren’t alone in feeling this way x

ElIie · 02/03/2022 20:44

Excuse the typos in my post!

shoesaregood · 02/03/2022 20:55

Ah OP, I’ve been you! The majority of businesses are built around extroverts. And it can be tricky if you’re not one.

I would consider myself ‘shy’. I’m never going to be the loudest voice in the room. But I will be the most considered; I always prepare really well and make sure that I have complete confidence and belief in what I have to say. It helps me if I know what the meeting objective is - if it’s not clear, I ask. And I always state objectives in my meeting invitations to help others prepare and help us stay on track (‘be the behaviour you want to see etc.’)

I’d really recommend the book ‘Gravitas’ by Caroline Goyder - it really helped me with a lot, particularly with presenting.

Also try finding a mentor - ideally someone who isn’t ‘loud’ or a huge extrovert (or ask for a coach if you think your company might find it).

Im in my mid 30s now and only one level below Group Exec in a FTSE 100 company, despite being told that I was ‘too quiet’ to graduate to senior roles when I was in my 20s. Being ‘shy’ really needn’t hold you back, but you do need to make sure you showcase your strengths and come to terms with the fact that you will need to push yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes.

shoesaregood · 02/03/2022 21:14

@ElIie it is absolutely not ok for your colleagues to laugh at you. You should speak to your line manager or a mentor if you have one.

Take some deep breaths before your meetings (read about ‘power posing’ and give it a go, it really helps some people). Don’t go in feeling flustered if you can possibly avoid it - make sure you have 10 minutes immediately beforehand to get yourself into a good mental space.

And over prepare…..know what points you want to land before you go in - perhaps think about questions or challenges people might have and come up with responses (have notes or prompts in front of you). You could even try role playing the meeting with (nice) colleagues or friends. Go in knowing that you’re ready and hopefully you’ll feel better. x