Presents from ex

[BabyTurtIe]

Ex is absent, no involvement what so ever, apart from on birthdays he will send presents for them but otherwise no contact at all. he has only done this the last couple of years, the first time my son was upset as the thing he sent was something that my son doesn’t like and isn’t into. It wasn’t about the present it was the fact that it reinforced to him that his dad doesn’t know him and doesn’t know anything about him and he asked why his dad doesn’t come to find out what he likes.

This year I have received a present in the post again for my son, again something he doesn’t like (these are certain cartoon characters) I know he will be upset again this year as he is sad that his dad hasn’t bothered with him and I think seeing him send things he doesn’t like is just rubbing salt in. I wasn’t hesitating to give it to him and I thought of course that is what I should do but I’ve spoken to other people who said I shouldn’t give it to him if he isn’t involved, and it’s upsetting my son but I don’t know what to do for the best. So do I give it to him or not?
To be clear he isn’t ungrateful or anything like that it isn’t about the present it’s the fact his dad doesn’t know what he likes/dislikes and hasn’t tried to find out

How old is he? I would be tempted to tell him and let him decide this year and then tell him you will go with his decision every year unless he says otherwise.

He’s 7

....

Unfortunately he's also going to be hurt if he thinks his dad hasn't got him anything, as he could think he's forgotten him!

Perhaps give him the present and try to explain that although his dad doesn't know what he likes, at least he is thinking of him?

@buddylicious

Unfortunately he's also going to be hurt if he thinks his dad hasn't got him anything, as he could think he's forgotten him!

Perhaps give him the present and try to explain that although his dad doesn't know what he likes, at least he is thinking of him?

He didn’t get him anything for Xmas and he didn’t mention anything about it and wasn’t upset, his father has been absent for quite some time now do I don’t think he expects things from him if that makes sense. I don’t think he will be expecting anything this year he certainly hasn’t mentioned anything

I think you have to give him the present.

You can’t risk in future him telling your son he sent things that you binned if he turns Disney at some point.

That’s true, no danger of him turning into a Disney dad though, he’s never had them without me, he’s always refused. I think I may ask him if he wants it or not and let him decide.

I think all you can do is support your son through it. I understand your wanting to protect him from being upset but it's not you that has created a situation where your son's father doesn't know him well enough to know what to send him. I'd give him the choice about whether he wants it or not, and have a talk about it maybe being the wrong thing, so he's prepared.

My children are older and their dad hasn't seen them for a few years. He sends wildly unsuitable presents when all they want is for him to want to see them.

I know its an extremely low bar to set, but one day I think your son will look back and know his dad at least remembered his birthday in some way ( and yes I know how shitty that sounds)

Do you have an address for your ex? Ask him to send vouchers instead or create an Amazon wishlist. Your ex sounds like a useless lump.

Maybe not ask him on the day.. maybe a few days before to process it.

Yes that was my first thought, I didn’t even question giving it, it was others who have said not to give it to him. I don’t think he is doing it because he cares, I think it’s to ease his own guilt if I’m honest

I'd ask him, don't let him know that something has turned up, but ask him if something does turn up, does he want to know? Or want it?

@Arghhconfused

I'd ask him, don't let him know that something has turned up, but ask him if something does turn up, does he want to know? Or want it?

that’s a good idea, I will do this.

@BabyTurtIe

That’s true, no danger of him turning into a Disney dad though, he’s never had them without me, he’s always refused. I think I may ask him if he wants it or not and let him decide.

You don’t know what will happen - especially if he gets a new partner at some point.

My ex was utterly useless. Apart from twice when he had decent girlfriends (his eventual wife was as bad as him) and then with their encouragement, because they believed his story until they saw him for what he was, he became proper Disney dad for a while.

It almost caused real issues between one of my DDs and I because she also believed him for a while.

Yes I guess anything is a possibility I just very much doubt it as he has had girlfriends but told me he doesn’t tell them he has children he also doesn’t want our children at his house as he decided he would rather rent out all his rooms to lodgers than have the children there so I don’t think he will stop that as it’s his income and means he doesn’t have to pay any maintenance (or work). Can’t see him giving that up. I’ve decided to ask my son if his father sent a present would he want it and see what he says to that and not mention he has sent one yet.