To give her a Mother’s Day card?

[unsureifishould]

I have a very close friend; she started out as being paid to help me about fifteen years ago (I was 18 at the time so no law broken) . Realised as she was helping me that we were very close and got on very well, a lot in common with each other - she said same and said she’d love to keep in touch with me once I was no longer her ‘client’.

We haven’t had professional/client role for several years now but we talk every 2 or 3 days and meet a few times a year . I love her very, very much and would be lost without her .

I usually send her a wee message around Mother’s Day; have done for two or three years. I have a mum, but she’s very mentally unwell - very . I love my mum to bits, and I miss her being able to be my mum - but this friend is about the same age, and in my mind I look up to her as filling that gap .

Meeting up next week and saw an absolutely perfect Mother’s Day card in the shops, it’s obviously meant for your actual mum - it’s the illustration that is just perfect for her .

I’ve written on the inside - to my second mum - is that OK? I’m worried as she has two children of her own (adults!) and don’t want to tread on their toes iyswim (I think I’d find it downright odd if someone I’d never met started giving my mum a Mother’s Day card) but then I suppose she probably wouldn’t show them card anyway.

Would you give card? I’m in two minds … it’s a perfect card for her in every other way, just not sure if it’s inappropriate to be giving her an actual Mother’s Day card - or am I overthinking it?

I probably wouldn’t but I’m not really into stuff like that, it’s probably fine though

I think it sounds a lovely idea

I think if you have a history of messaging her around Mother’s Day, and she is aware that you see her in that way (I.e. as opposed to a friend role) then it might be okay. I know you said you’d found a specific card that you thought she would like, so perhaps write a longer message in there explaining why you’ve bought the card for her this year? Most shops do sell “you’re like a mother to me” type cards, so someone must be buying and giving them!

It sounds like you've got a lovely relationship with her.

What's been her response when you have wished her happy mother's day in the past?

I wouldn't worry about stepping on her children's toes as you're not taking away anything from them. Stepping on their toes would be to take her out all day on mother's Day so kids couldn't celebrate it.

Hard to say without knowing her and her likely reaction, tbh. I wouldn’t unless call someone my second mum in a Mother’s Day card unless I’d had other times where this sort of thing has been said and you know she reciprocates the idea.

I wouldn’t. Send her a card if you like, but I think one that’s clearly intended for a biological or adoptive mother might hit an odd note.

So long as she's old enough to be your mum then yeah. My mum has "work daughters " she'd love this and I'd just be glad that people appreciate her.

Lovely idea but once I'd given her it I'd probably regret it and start ruminating about whether it was the right thing to do so really, no, just leave it.

@PeacefulPrune

It sounds like you've got a lovely relationship with her.

What's been her response when you have wished her happy mother's day in the past?

I wouldn't worry about stepping on her children's toes as you're not taking away anything from them. Stepping on their toes would be to take her out all day on mother's Day so kids couldn't celebrate it.

Usually says thank you/love you too etc - I don’t think it upsets/offends etc . I would definitely see her more as ‘mum’ - she’s very quick to advise/support with things and says she knows she’s someone I can lean on for guidance/‘nurturing’ . She knows I see her in that way - I’ve told her if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s helped me so much I wouldn’t still be here .

The card just says ‘mum, you’re the best’ on the front so have added to it slightly (without ruining it!), so now says 2nd ‘mum’ instead … no soppy message inside or anything thankfully !

Agree it's a Lovely idea but I wouldn't unless it's been mentioned that she's like a mum to you and you're confident that she'll see it how it's intended. There's nothing odd about the sentiment but you just never know how people will take things. Would be a shame to make things uncomfortable.

This is difficult to judge as we don't know your friend or how she sees your relationship. I have a much younger friend who definitely views me in a maternal role. She always wants my advice, wants to vent about stuff, encourages my involvement with her DC. Like you, her mother suffers with poor mental health. I'm happy to be an older, supportive "wise woman" for her, but I don't think a mother's day card from her would be appropriate. Wouldn't bother me particularly but I'd find it a bit strange, and I know for certain one of my adult DC would be very irritated by it.

But your friend may see herself in a maternal role and be happy that you see her that way. You were her client, so your relationship started off with that caring adult/vulnerable young person dynamic, so your ongoing friendship is based on those roles, whereas my friendship didn't start off like that, it's kind of evolved.

Difficult one, but as you're so close I doubt sending the card will cause any upset.

You give her the card, don't overthink it. She sounds like a lovely person and you do too, she will understand the sentiment of it. I bet she would be delighted to receive it.

Someone can be a great friend who happens to be older, rather than being a mum. I know one friend who describes herself as an extra mum to a guy we know, which is fine and works for them. She tried to describe me at his "work mum" at one point, but he is less than 10 years younger and we have more of an equal friendship, so it came across strangely. It isn't offensive to give a card to anyone who cares about you, because the intent is clearly well meant. It might confuse get a little though if she doesn't see herself in those terms. With that in mind, I'd suggest you give the card in person, so you can tell her you weren't quite sure and let her reaction guide you in future for how you describe your friendship, as well as correctly. Much easier than posting it and wondering.

Very difficult without knowing the exact relationship. Unless she has said something explicit like I see you as my daughter then I wouldn't send the card.

As @MRex says they may see themselves more as a friend than a "mum"

Why not? I'm generally in favour of thanking people, showing love etc. Maybe just explain a bit inside, e.g.

I have a mum I love dearly but you have been like a mother to me over the years. Your support, guidance and presence has helped shape my life for the good. For all the ways in which you have been every bit as good as a mother to me, I want to thank and appreciate you today. Happy Mother's Day

Thats lovely and yes I would but maybe put inside that she's like a mum to you? Difficult without knowing about the card. But will you then feel as though you have to send one every year? Unless you put something along the lines of, wouldn't usually send you a card I know but this made me think of you type of thing?

You can buy cards that say 'like a mum', I've seen them in Clinton's. That might fit the occasion.