To think I'm on the scrap heap

[Jenny2330]

I have 2 older daughters (nearly) 13 and 10 and then my baby girl who is 7 months. Older girls and baby have different dads.

I had been with baby girls dad nearly 4 years. 2 weeks ago the rug was pulled from underneath me when he said we dont act in love anymore, i dont feel equal or appreciated and we arent in a good place and there is no way back from this and ended our relationship. I went back to work when baby was 3 months old as I am main wage earner, he does agency work and has frequently been left weeks/months without work or stopped working somewhere because he didnt like someone blah blah. Sorry I digress but my point is i went back to work early, was doing all the night feeds, he slept on sofa, work in a very demanding job and was exhausted. So no he may not have been getting all the attention he wanted but I can only stretch so far.

Now hes ended things and I am once again a single mum but this time at 35 with a baby and two pretty much teenagers. He gets to walk away and live whatever life he wants, I have to arrange childcare around 12 hour shifts, he gets to go out and meet people (if he hasnt already which i have my suspisions on) and I am the one carrying all the load.

A relationship is obviously furthest thing from my mind but I keep thinking who the hell would want me now. 35, 3 kids, 2 dads, work full time. He promised me a future that has been ripped from me without warning or chance to work at it and now it feels like he has dropped me in the scrap yard and I am damaged goods.

Your new life starts today, and you need to make some huge changes, and you especially need to learn from your mistakes.

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To think I'm on the scrap heap1
Today 00:42Jenny2330

I have 2 older daughters (nearly) 13 and 10 and then my baby girl who is 7 months. Older girls and baby have different dads.

I had been with baby girls dad nearly 4 years. 2 weeks ago the rug was pulled from underneath me when he said we dont act in love anymore, i dont feel equal or appreciated and we arent in a good place and there is no way back from this and ended our relationship. I went back to work when baby was 3 months old as I am main wage earner, he does agency work and has frequently been left weeks/months without work or stopped working somewhere because he didnt like someone blah blah. Sorry I digress but my point is i went back to work early, was doing all the night feeds, he slept on sofa, work in a very demanding job and was exhausted.*

This man has been a feckless loser from the beginning, yet you stayed with him. You need to figure out why so you don't end up here again. As for him ending things, of course he's cheating, but thank your lucky stars that he's gone. Good fucking riddance. Every day is a new day, and your life will be what you make of it.

Learn about yourself as a person, do the Freedom Programme, and don't even worry about finding a relationship right now. You are still so young, you don't even appreciate how young you are.

That sounds so difficult OP but 35 is young and you can definitely still meet someone.

It's 1am and I've had about 4 hours sleep so far this week, so I hope that this doesn't sound harsh, but I wouldn't think of yourself as on the scrap heap, I'd picture yourself as someone who has just got off it. I mean, you've not painted him as a Prince, he sounds like a lazy sponge, and I can't see how he added joy to your life? You are 35 and no where near the scrap heap, but, would being single be the worse thing in the world? NO! Being with a prick who doesn't pull his weight and makes you feel shit about yourself would! There are probably a lot more unhappy women in relationships than single ones.

Have you ever been happily single? Imagine getting home from work after a 12 hour shift, and not seeing his lazy arse on the sofa. Picture a happy cosy home with you and your 3 kids, with no drama from any men.

YABU, you are not damaged goods, please don't think of yourself that way. It sounds like your partner coasted along, letting you carry the burden, and gave very little back (after his initial sperm donation). He sounds unreliable and unappreciative, you really are better without him.

Concentrate on building a new life without him dragging you down. You are still very young, you have many good years ahead and there is no rush to find another partner yet.

I voted YABU, because you should be celebrating not thinking you're on the scrap heap. It sounds to me like you've got your head screwed on ; a good job, a great mum and now, a great future.
I feel like celebrating for you.
Good riddance, I say. Concentrate on you, your children, do things you love and the rest will follow.

YABU, you are not damaged in any way. You are raising three lovely children alone, which is a hard task! You have a great job, great kids and now you’ve got rid of a shitty man. You’re doing so well.

You should be kind to yourself. You’re not on the scrap heap but I would be wary of venturing into any new relationship when you allow yourself to be treated so badly. You deserve so much more than this so please stop accepting less than you are worth.

This was not a good or normal relationship. He scrounged off you and your dc, you had to go back to work at only 3 months postpartum to support him and he doesn’t even help out with the baby. It seems as though he was never much of a catch so why would you have another child with a man like this based on promises when he was showing you every day how little he thought of you and your needs.

No relationship is better than a relationship like this where you do all the hard work and giving and he just expects. Please do some work on yourself and realise that not having a man does not mean that you are on the scrap heap. You can and should learn to live a fulfilling life in your own rather than letting another waster like this into your life (and that of your dc).

Didn’t want to say YABU as I totally know how you feel.

I lm 43 and a single mum of two (mine are 13 and 8, I’m divorced from their dad). He obviously made his first priority on divorce to meet someone else and have another child with her, which he’s done; well done him (ironic).

It’s just not a priority for me. At some point maybe I will meet someone else, but I don’t need that at the moment. You can be very happy being single and not feel “on the scrap heap”.

I was much more upset recently not to have got a promotion at work!

You are not on the scrap heap (whatever that even means). You can enjoy being single now without this useless dick making your life harder. Your older kids are old enough to help with the house and the baby. You are an amazing role model for your daughters. Your family of 4 is just perfect.

So coming back just to say thank you to all of you who sent messages of support it truely means a lot to me.

He moved out last week and a few days later my suspisions were confirmed he is already with someone else. A 19year old he(36) works with who I thought he had a thing for. Said nothing happened till after we split but he still laid the ground work whilst with me so still cheating in my eyes.

I have done my tears and have sat down and wrote a long list of things i will not allow to happen in my future relationships (romantic, friendships or otherwise) about not ignoring my gut, not glossing over red flags, not allowing myself to be dragged down or have to sacrifice things about myself to please anyone. I have also wrote a list of all the things I want to achieve in the next 5 years for ME and my daughters.

Unfortuantly have to wait a little longer to make a start on it since we currently all have covid but i am looking forward to starting.

Thanks again everyone

You're not 'the scrap heap' (horrible misogynistic phrase), but do you think you may put too much of your self-worth into your relationships with men?

You're 35, your eldest is 13, so I'm going to assume you were married or in a relationship from your late teens/early 20s, then again?

Take some time to yourself. Learn about yourself, make friends, find hobbies. Stay away from men for a while. If you're going to have sexual relationships, make sure you're on hardcore contraception.

You are enough by yourself.

Now you've got rid of that piece of baggage your new life begins. Carry on with that list of things you want and keep adding to it. See how you get on by yourself and with your kids by your side - you'll surprise yourself. You are definitely not on the scrap heap, the doors in your life are only just opening.

I have done quite a lot of reflection over the last week and yes I have def entwined my self worth far too much into my relationships with men. I think I have always been a deeply insecure person and have seeked to have "fixed" by being in a relationship.

The reality is when I look back the times I have been alone have been when I was happiest . Aside from my beautiful daughters, men have given me nothing except gaslighting, head games, trust issues, mountains of debt, anxiety and stress.

I have worked hard to get my degree as a single parent and a good job , on my own , I pay all the bills, on my own , I can cook, clean, programme the dam electronics mow the bloody lawn and put together flat pack furniture 🤣 . I've tried to be a good example to my daughters about being independent and working hard but the relationships i have allowed myself to get into arent good examples and I wont allow myself to be in that situation again.

I am surrounded by love from family and friends which has been proven to me even more so recently.

I just need to work on believing in myself a bit more....and no sexy time unless its a battery operated boyfriend