Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Should I have got over it by now?

20 replies

beautifulbluebo · 01/03/2022 22:24

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this thread.
Me and DH have been together 14 years. He has always been kind/supportive. Around 2 years ago he had been drinking- a lot. He doesn't drink, if he does it's usually a pint or two. This particular night he had been drinking lots of spirits. He came home and I asked him if he knew about a mark on our new piece of furniture. He absolutely blew his top, screaming, shouting and going mad. He was completely out of control. I blocked him from going upstairs because our DC were screaming and frightened. He grabbed me by the arms and moved me. He also pushed me to the floor several times and refused to leave. He then tried to take his car keys even though he could barely walk. I refused to give them to him and he screamed in my face, being aggressive and shouting and swearing. I eventually managed to push him out of the house and unlocked the car from inside the house so he could sleep in there but not drive it.

The next day he was back to his usual self, nothing but apologetic and said he couldn't remember anything. This was 2 years ago and he has never been violent before or since. The truth is I have never felt the same since. I do love him, we have a great life together. We very rarely argue, children are happy etc. However, if he drinks now I can relax, I feel stressed and in a bad mood. If we do argue I can't help but think of what happened that night. I don't throw it in his face but it's always there in my mind. I feel like I have compromised myself as I always swore I would never stay with someone that hit me. None of our family or friends would have any idea at all. My family all worship the ground he walks on and his family would honestly believe I was lying. However, it does seem to be a one off, as it's only ever happened once in 14 years. What do I do to get over this and move on?

OP posts:

Original poster

beautifulbluebo · 01/03/2022 22:25

He did mark and bruise my arms in several places and also hurt my ribs where he had thrown me. I never sought any medical help.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2022 22:27

No. The way you feel is completely normal and justified. And you can still leave, anytime

KindlyKanga · 01/03/2022 22:29

No, it's ok for this to still be on your mind. You can leave any time for any or no reason..

Darkstar4855 · 01/03/2022 22:30

I don’t think you will ever get over it, sorry. There was always be the fear of it happening again. Only you can decide whether you’re willing to keep living like this.

Shainago · 01/03/2022 22:31

Just because you thought you forgave him doesn't mean you can't leave anymore.
Your feelings and fears are justified.
What if he does it again and hurts your children?
The bruises and marks are physical abuse

GroggyLegs · 01/03/2022 22:37

To be fair, that kind of behaviour is pretty unforgivable. I'm not surprised you keep thinking about it.

Problem is, you know he actually is capable of harming you, and you now have to either remove him from you & the kids everyday life, or live with that knowledge and the anxiety it brings.

He's put you in an impossible situation & I'd be as angry about that as the actual incident.

Have you discussed it since? Does he know how you feel? Or does he get defensive?

Watchkeys · 01/03/2022 22:39

Why are you trying to supress your feelings? Do you not respect them? That's known as a lack of self respect, you know.

OwlinaTree · 01/03/2022 22:42

Had it ever been discussed between you? Does he have any explanation at all for what happened that evening?

OwlNoises101 · 01/03/2022 22:43

Bollocks he couldn't remember....

NoSquirrels · 01/03/2022 22:43

Does he recognise he could potentially have a problem with alcohol? If this had happened to me I think the only way I could stay is if he was teetotal.

Trisolaris · 01/03/2022 22:47

Agree with @NoSquirrels. If someone is violent when they drink and they continue to drink then they believe that their behaviour was acceptable and are happy to let it happen again. The drink is not the problem, he is.

Original poster

beautifulbluebo · 01/03/2022 22:51

If he ever ever laid a finger on our children then I would leave. Without a shadow of a doubt.

I think it's a bit suspicious he says he doesn't remember, and I feel like it gives him a 'get-out.'

I don't believe he has an 'issue' with a drink. He drinks maybe 4-5 times a year. Not usually spirits though.

We have discussed what happened immediately afterwards. He apologised and said it would never happen again blah blah. To be fair, it hasn't ever happened again. Life has ticked along and the children are happy, but in my mind it's always there. @GroggyLegs has nailed it I think. Knowing that he is capable of doing that to me has changed my whole outlook on the relationship and him.

OP posts:

Franca123 · 01/03/2022 23:00

I'd suggest raising it with him and talking about it. Have you ever told him for example that you feel anxious when he drinks now?

xxxsuper · 01/03/2022 23:02

What do I do to get over this and move on?

Divorce?

newbiename · 01/03/2022 23:15

My ex DH did this to me. I threw him out about a week later.
I think if a man is capable of hitting you he will do it again.
Might me next week, might be five years but I didn't want to be scared every time he came home.
He has since done it to his next wife and I found out his previous wife.

OwlinaTree · 01/03/2022 23:15

I think it's a bit suspicious he says he doesn't remember, and I feel like it gives him a 'get-out.'

Even if he doesn't remember - did he believe you when you told him what happened? Has he witnessed this behaviour in his life? Was there something else going on with him at the time?

mummykel16 · 01/03/2022 23:19

@beautifulbluebo

If he ever ever laid a finger on our children then I would leave. Without a shadow of a doubt.

I think it's a bit suspicious he says he doesn't remember, and I feel like it gives him a 'get-out.'

I don't believe he has an 'issue' with a drink. He drinks maybe 4-5 times a year. Not usually spirits though.

We have discussed what happened immediately afterwards. He apologised and said it would never happen again blah blah. To be fair, it hasn't ever happened again. Life has ticked along and the children are happy, but in my mind it's always there. @GroggyLegs has nailed it I think. Knowing that he is capable of doing that to me has changed my whole outlook on the relationship and him.

And given him control

Pbbananabagel · 01/03/2022 23:22

Do you think it’s possible he might have mixed drugs with his alcohol that night?

I’m asking this because I know two people that has happened to who had violent reactions similar to what you’re describing and couldn’t remember much the next day.

One of them had their episode when they came back to the house we were sharing and it was horrific. I talked it over with a doctor friend and was told that there is a specific anti-psychotic drug that is often Used to ‘cut’ cocaine and other party type drugs and can produce this kind of reaction in otherwise totally normal people (just one more reason to leave that shit alone).

It is terrifying when you’re facing someone you love who has to all intents and purposes lost their mind. Even worse when you’re stuck with that memory and they aren’t and don’t get how awful it was.

mummykel16 · 01/03/2022 23:23

You must be holding back now when you have issues, consciously or no. Ltb

Shainago · 01/03/2022 23:28

@newbiename

My ex DH did this to me. I threw him out about a week later. I think if a man is capable of hitting you he will do it again. Might me next week, might be five years but I didn't want to be scared every time he came home. He has since done it to his next wife and I found out his previous wife.

This!!

Flip