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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL suggested I have postnatal depression

26 replies

Onaloop · 01/03/2022 12:14

Ok I'll try again! I have a not so great relationship with my MIL. There's too much to go into and I don't want to out myself. She can be nice but has high expectations of her family and treats her adult children like actual children and also my FIL. The whole family knows this but everyone just goes along with it for an easy life including my DH who can be easily swayed by mil's pushiness. My MIL has no ability to see how someone else may feel (my sister in law also stated this to me recently) An example is that I had a stillbirth and the day after our babys funeral my mil had a go at us for not letting her stay in our flat (we live abroad) when I said I didn't want visitors as I was struggling with my grief and needed space - her expectations is that we should've hosted her so that was all she could think about, not that we'd just buried our firstborn. I always end up having a row with her because she doesn't respect my decisions or way I live and I don't want to put up with it.We recently had another argument which I don't want to reveal too much as it may out me but it was her disagreeing with a medical decision my husband and I made about our new baby (we don't want him to get poorly when he's so little) Her reaction was to interrogate me about the decision, enough to make me cry and my DH saw what she was doing and defended me and our decision. He later said she thinks I'm not good enough for him because I don't do things like she does and she doesn't like it.
At the moment my DH and I have a lot going on and I'm feeling quite stressed about some big decisions we have to make (jobs and moving back with a small baby) and I just don't want to deal with my mil and her expectations so have avoided her since the row. my DH has taken our baby to see her without me and told his mil I'm feeling stressed. He came back suggesting I have postnatal depression which I know was instigated by mil because my DH would not have thought that on his own. I got annoyed because I hate that she's talking about me behind my back and suggesting I'm struggling with my baby when my stress is coming from general day to day stuff and from her behaviour, plus the fact she doesn't realise it's her who is stressing me out really annoys me (or maybe she does realise??)
I spoke to my DM who says I need to not let her get to me so much. My DM says I don't have any signs of postnatal depression in her opinion. I'm worried that my MIL is trying to sow ideas in my DHs mind but maybe that's just me being paranoid? I'm not sure how to navigate this situation - does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 01/03/2022 12:44

Your MIL has suggested this (if indeed she has) based on what your DH has told her. Also, the fact that your DH has told you this speaks volumes. If he thought she was way off the mark, why repeat it to you?

ThinWomansBrain · 01/03/2022 12:47

tell her it's been diagnosed as MIL induced depression
do you have a patio?

incognitoforthisone · 01/03/2022 12:56

Well, given what your DH told your MIL and that you have a small baby, it's not actually unreasonable or strange that your MIL is wondering if you might have postnatal depression.

I totally get that your MIL is a pain in the backside, but from her point of view:

  1. she's seen you crying and being upset during what she probably thinks was a normal conversation
  2. you have been avoiding seeing her - she doesn't know it's just her that you're avoiding; she probably thinks you're avoiding seeing anyone
  3. your DH took your baby to see her alone and told her you were too stressed

Basically, if I was aware only of what your MIL has been told, I would say 'Could she have PND, maybe?' too. Her view is different from your DM's because your MIL and your DM have a completely different set of facts about the situation.

Also, she's only 'talking about your behind your back' because your DH did too. Your DH's behaviour is what's causing the problem. He's telling your MIL things about you and then, despite knowing that it upsets you, he's stirring the bloody pot but telling you what she says back. All this upset could have been spared if your DH wasn't running between the pair of you telling tales.

I'm sure your MIL is indeed a nightmare, but on this occasion this is just a massive fuss about nothing that you've built up into something huge.

Original poster
Onaloop · 01/03/2022 12:58

@gobbynorthernbird my DH had to look up what postnatal depression was when he got home so I don't think was really is aware of what it is.

This situation stemmed from me not wanting to go and see my mil because I was feeling stressed about the other stuff and didn't want any more pressure or arguments with her. So DH sees I'm stressed, tells his DM that's why I'm not visiting with the baby and mil suggested it was postnatal depression which I think is a bit of a leap.

OP posts:
cs98127634 · 01/03/2022 12:58

She sounds awful. But I think in this specific situation the issue is that he is discussing your mental health with his mum and then to make things worse he is then telling you her opinions.

Original poster
Onaloop · 01/03/2022 13:09

@incognitoforthisone yes I get your point, although it wasn't a normal conversation, I got upset and we had a big row. I explained why I was upset but she doesn't seem to get that it's her behaviour that upset me, even though I repeatedly explained this to her. But I am also frustrated that my DH doesn't just explain it again when postnatal depression is suggested (maybe because he didn't know what it was until he looked it up last night). He was just as angry as I was when she was really questioning our decisions and it's not been the first time.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 01/03/2022 13:13

I don't see PND as a sign that you are 'struggling with my baby', which is what you take from your MIL suggesting PND.

From your MILs point of view you probably don't look as if you want to go out with the baby if your DH is doing the visiting and I'm wondering if the medical decision that you mention was not allowing visitors. If so, I don't think it's a 'leap' to wonder if something is wrong, especially if your DH (who I don't think is helping the situation either tbh) tells her you are stressed. It's hard to be objective about someone when you really don't like them, but try not to view everything she says through the same lens.

LittleMissA · 01/03/2022 13:14

My mum is like this and also suggested I had post natal depression when I had my DC. All because I said no to a few things she wanted to do and put myself and DC first for once. Like your MIL she gets something in her head and that's all she can focus on. I'm afraid I'm no help as we go round in circles where sometimes things get better then blow up again! Offering sympathies tho!!

I remember asking DH as I doubted myself being a new mum etc and he said I showed no sign of depression, coping and enjoying being a mum etc it was just around my mum I got stressed out!! I actually think she was in a very depressed state but she won't admit anything like that.

Original poster
Onaloop · 01/03/2022 13:18

@ChicCroissant it wasn't about visitors but about vaccinations (I am pro vax). I get your point thought, thanks.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 01/03/2022 13:19

Tell dh to tell her yes you are feeling low. Caused by lack of support from family and so you will be keeping away from anyone toxic..
See your mh raise back to normal op..
In the early days you do not need to deal with this shit. Remind dh who his commitment is to.

diddl · 01/03/2022 13:36

She sounds too involved & needs shutting down on things that aren't her business.

You both need to stop telling her stuff-especially your husband.

Gazelda · 01/03/2022 13:39

I'm so sorry you lost your (first?) baby and that times are still stressful.
I think that other posters have a point in that given the circumstances and what your DH might have said, it's not a huge leap for her to wonder about PND.
Your DH shouldn't have told you that though, unless he's wondering the same thing himself and wanted to clumsily instigate a conversation.
I think you are doing the right thing in keeping your distance. Let her think what she likes. It's irrelevant to you.
Let your own family be your sounding board. When you are feeling stronger and without all your current stresses, then maybe you can re-introduce a tiny bit of contact with her.
But whatever you do, do it at your own pace and with no regard to anyone else's pressures.

Brefugee · 01/03/2022 13:40

Explain to your DH - and ask him to explain to MIL in exactly the same way - in very clear words why you don't want to see her.
And then just ignore her completely until you feel able to see her again.

WetLookKnitwear · 01/03/2022 13:40

Your husband needs to educate himself, respect your privacy and also grow a backbone.

…MIL’s antics can’t be helped but you can speak to your husband and ask him to stand up for you and stop oversharing.

UnconditionalSurrender · 01/03/2022 13:40

Oh that is very low of her OP. My MIL did this, behaved like a lunatic who wanted to control everything when DS was born and then suggested because I didn't agree with her that I had PND. It caused so much unnecessary stress. Your DH needs to tell his mother to back off. You need very strong boundaries now. I ended up refusing to have much to do with PIL until she backed off. Which meant she didn't see DS.

Ursusmajor · 01/03/2022 13:49

If your MIL is antivax I think you can probably disregard absolutely anything she says about anything ever.
She can’t tell the difference between you being upset at her and stressed by moving and PND. Continue ignoring all her opinions on everything related to you or your baby and you’ll be fine.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 13:52

What’s your husband playing at? Telling you she doesn’t think yoire good enough, that you may have pnd etc. unless the man lives under a rock he knows what it is.

He’s your issue. Not her.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/03/2022 14:02

You have to tell your DH that what you discuss between you and him stays between you and him. He can't go visiting his mother and tell her stuff that is between you and him.
If you are depressed or stressed, why would that be? Could it be because she is causing this stress or depression due to her actions and beliefs that the world revolves around her and her alone? She says "Jump" and everyone appears to say "Ok, How high?", instead of saying "I'm busy, jump yourself".

Get your DH to stop talking to her about you and if you don't want to visit her, no one will make you. You don't have to even give a reason but if you feel like it, you could say to your DH that you don't want to visit her. He's free to visit her but you no longer want to. No medical issues or any other reason except you don't want to.

Best of luck!

Migrainesbythedozen · 01/03/2022 14:17

I'd go NC and ask your husband to go NC with her too until she stops being a vicious bitch, but I don't see that happening for a long time sadly. I would also stop her seeing your child.

PragmaticWench · 01/03/2022 14:21

Could your Mum talk with your DH and explain that his DM is being overbearing and that you need his support to reduce the stress MIL is placing on you?

Hankunamatata · 01/03/2022 14:49

I think your mum is right, you need to let it just wash over you. Its not like dh can say 'mum, loop doesn't like you so she isn't visiting'

LookItsMeAgain · 01/03/2022 15:20

@Hankunamatata

I think your mum is right, you need to let it just wash over you. Its not like dh can say 'mum, loop doesn't like you so she isn't visiting'
Come to think of it, why can't he say this?
Migrainesbythedozen · 01/03/2022 15:24

@Hankunamatata

I think your mum is right, you need to let it just wash over you. Its not like dh can say 'mum, loop doesn't like you so she isn't visiting'
@Hankunamatata Yes, her DH can say exactly that. And should do. OP should NOT let it 'wash over her'. She needs to make a stand, and now. Avoiding it does nothing but increases the stress. #BeKind is not an option.
EarlGreywithLemon · 01/03/2022 16:15

I'm so sorry. I had the same thrown at me by my parents because I stood my ground about visiting after our daughter was born. They proceeded to shout at me down the phone and I burst into tears (difficult birth a few days before- hormonal- recovering etc) They then told me I had PND. I didn't and never developed it. They were behaving extremely badly and trying to make excuses.
Your MIL sounds similar.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/03/2022 19:15

What the fuck is wrong with your husband?
Why would he keep coming back and repeating what your MIL said?
Why is healthy going along with this and not backing you.

I am NOT saying he should go NC or anything but he should be calling out her bad behaviour and telling her it is not okay. I had to have long conversations with my DH before I got him remotely into this space.

My mil sounds really similar she is totally oblivious to those around her and everything is about servicing her needs with no consideration to others. She also has high expectations around gifts and hosting and what people should be doing for her. Things are very much taken as a given.
My MIL is potentially different as she turns on the charm and then there is a lot of hysterical crying.

You need to double down on this.
Information Diet - your DH does NOT talk about you beyond yes she's fine.
baby access don't keep sending your baby over with him. This is what she wants... for you to get out of the picture. Let him go if he wants but baby stays with you.
grey rock I say very little to her about anything. I tell her nothing about anything to do with me.

I highly doubt you have PND, you just have a useless husband and an awful MIL Flowers

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