expecting my DP to tell me about loans he has taken out?

[LuckyBucky]

I have been with my DP for 3-4 years (can never remember exactly how long). We own a house together. Yesterday some mortgage info came and it had a copy of credit checks in it. The credit checks revealed several loans (in very substantial sums) that my DP had taken out without my knowledge. He has also lied about having them as I have outright asked him before when I opened his credit card statement, some months ago, by accident if there were any other debts he was hiding...and he said 'no'.

I feel betrayed. I/We have made plans, including ttc, based on what I thought was our current financial situation. He says it is not my problem as they are unsecured loans and he can afford them. I am sure he can at the moment, but there is a much bigger risk financially now, should I stop work for example. Surely if you are in a relationship you share everything and so his problems are my problems, his debts (in theory) are my debts, especially as I own property jointly with him? I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't trust anything he says now.

i'd be pretty miffed really...money is a major issue when you own a house with someone and are ttc with them....you need to know that any future children you bring into the world can be well cared for, and not deprived of things becuase 'daddys debts need to be paid first'....its very selfish of him not to tell you....and what has he spent all his money on? and how long ago did he take them out?....

His debts are not your debts if they are only in his name. Only loans secured against any property will apply to both of you and only if the property is in both names. If he has loans against your property and it is in both names - then someoen has also commited fraud as he should not be able to take out a secured loan without ou signing too

I don't, actually, think that if you are in a relationship you share everything. And I certainly refuse to share the debts my partner had incurred before I met him, or indeed some of the ones he has incurred since then.

I do think, though, that this is an issue he should have told you about. I would be concerned about being lied to.

Please do consider having some separate money of your own in future, if this is what he's like with money.

I agree with Joash , they are not your debts so to speak but obviously you will suffer as a household if he falls behind with payments etc..my main issue is what has he spent the ££ on? is he trying to maintain/create a lifestyle he can't afford, you need to sit down and try and talk about it I think..good luck

This is a massive massive massive red flag to me.

They are his loans. But while you are looking after a baby, they are affecting your life too.

I would not have a baby with a man who tells such lies. having a tiny baby puts you in a uniquely vulnerable position. For a time, you are not physically capable of work. You are totally reliant on a man who lies and hides things, and, as I put it throughout my relationship with exp, 'fucks about with money'.

If he can afford to pay the loans, why did he need the loans? What has he spent that money one? What was so important as to be paying interest on it?

I warn you, I am not entirely capable of being rational on this subject.

Ahem. I have to admit (sorry colditz!) that I took out a loan without telling ex when we were married. The constant demands for money from ex (I was the sole breadwinner) meant that I needed to get a loan to pay for dd's nursery (he had chosen to take the other children to another country, so wasn't looking after her) and buy a washing machine.
I knew he would never have agreed to this, he would have insisted that we go on with 4 small children without a washing machine, and would have told me to economise to afford the nursery.

just pointing out that there are more than one situation where this may happen.

Looking back, I am not sure what else I could have done, apart from leave him and go on benefits. But it was one part of the splitting up process.

This waves red flags for me too. I just think that money is such a basic factor in how live, that if you live with someone who isn't honest about it, they're not really your partner. (I don't think NN's point invalidates Colditz's, I think it emphasises it - where you cannot agree how money ought to be spent (IE priorities) your partnership is shaky.)

My DS did this and it was also a factor in our splitting up. I just felt that I couldn't ever trust him and I couldn't plan for the future. If I never really knew what our financial situation was, how could any plans be solid?

I'd be fuming that he hadn't told you, and more so, had actually lied. So it isn't even an overlook, he meant to decieve you which would ring alarm bells in my head. DP has a loan and a credit card that he had before we met, he didn't tell me about them immediately but since we have been living together I can have access to every bit of financial info of his if I want, there should be no secrets ina relationship, not of this sort.

I feel quite bad about getting annoyed with dp for saying 'his finances' rather than ours the other day now! But that's the way I see it, all the money that comes into our home with our children in it is ours, and though his debts aren't legally mine, they are in reality because they impact on ym life.

Be careful with this - I have two close friends up to their eyeballs in debt which is really affecting the quality of their lives - all generated by their other halves. Your DP needs to understand that if your share your lives then you must make joint decisions about things that affect you both.

I really feel for you. Dh has done the same. It's fine to have separate finances in theory but he is now the main breadwinner and paying off his debts affects both of us.

Thanks for all your comments. The loans are unsecured and not in my name so legally, I am not responsible for them. He said they were to 'rationalise' all the different loans/credit cards he had and to pay his share when we bought the house. However, he has had a second one since then for which he can only account for half of.

Had I known he didn't have the money I wouldn't have bought the house. I didn't feel that strongly about it at the time, but he said nothing.

I know that they are his debts, but like many of you have said, if it all goes wrong it is going to impact on my life. He also knows I feel VERY strongly about debt, which may be why he was so sneaky about it.

It's the trust thing that I don't know how to deal with.
Thanks again.

He lied. About money. Possibly the only worse thing to lie to one's partner about is sexually transmitted diseases. People very rarely lie just once.

Needing to 'rationalise', as he puts it, many different loans and cards, and lying to you about money, suggests strongly that he has very poor financial management skills. Personally I wouldn't be TTC with a man who was such a financial disaster. As anyone on this site can tell you, children are not cheap and if he can't live within his means before he has a family, he certainly won't be able to afterwards.

You may not be liable for this lot of loans, but what about the next lot? I know someone who lost her house because her ex kept one Amex card (no limit on spending) she'd forgotten about after the divorce. He defaulted on the payments and even though she could prove the spending was nothing to do with her and they were divorced, Amex were relentless in chasing her. Financial institutions come after whoever is more likely to give them their money. He sounds feckless, so that'll be you.

I don't want this to be seen as support for OP's dh at all, but your post could have been written from my dh's perspective! I took out a loan/credit cards without telling him, and yes I lied too when the credit card was opened by him in error. I think the reason I lied was fundamentally driven by my fear of his reaction to the fact that I'd kept things from him, and that I'd have to admit the full extent of the deception ; warped thinking I know as it all came out in the end, and the situation truly awful. As other have rightly said, it's the decpetion that's the key problem. My cards/loans were all unsecured and in my name, but it got to the point where I was going in late to work so that I could catch the postie to make sure dh didn't see my crdit card statements. Not sure this helps, but just wanted to say the desperation that fuels this type of behaviour really is cumulative and leads to behaviour that for me at least seemed to be the only rational way out! Totally irrational and destructive to a relationship I know. I think you need to know what the spending has been on so that you can get to the source of it all, though there might be underlying psychological issues that need addresing too.

Well we had to have 'the discussion' last night about the whole thing. I tried to avoid it by staying at work, but when the cleaners started looking at me funny I thought I should go home !

He showed me his bank statements to prove that he can more than comfortably afford the payments and says (although I need to see proof) that he has payment insurance on them all. He maintains the debt is a result of bad financial management in his twenties and that now he has it all under control. Call me a fool, but I tend to believe him. He seemed quite distressed about it all and was almost in tears. I have calmed down about it a bit, I was in a huge rage at the time of finding out and most of yesterday. Having thought about it in a calmer state, he does not have much opportunity to be doing anything else devious, unless he has some internet based compulsion, so I am going to give him another chance. Although he has been VERY warned that if I catch just one more lie, even if it is small, he's out. I know this means I will actually have to catch him if he does lie, but hopefully this was a one off and he won't be sneaking around doing things .

The jury is still out on the ttc situation. I will have to think of a new plan as I am not getting any younger . In reality nothing is different to what it was a week ago except the lie. But we all know how lies can end up...I guess I will just give it some time and see how it goes.

Re: the payment insurance - that's quite often a totally useless rip-off you know, big campaigns going on with people who've been mis-sold it trying to claim it back from unscrupulous lenders...

As a reformed spendthrift myself, I would be concerned. If the loan(s) are for consolidation, why has he not been open about them before? Why can he only account for part of the money he's borrowed?

Because the sort of dumbass thing I would have done before I got my head round my debts, would have been to look to take out a 'consolidation' debt for £x. Then to discover that I could 'afford' the re-payments on £2x. Which would have convinced me that the £2x loan was actually a better idea. & then I'd've found something to spend the surplus on...

I think the fact that he's been dishonest about it (ie: not just not mentioned it because of the separate finances so none of your business POV, but actually lied when you asked him a direct question) would worry me. If it was such a sensible course of action, why not just be open about it?

I think you'd be justified in insisting that you go through all statements (yours too) together for a bit - he needs to regain your trust on this one.

This is one of the straws that's broken my back.

I've found out that on several occasions (including Jan last year and a few months ago) h has borrowed money against the house without my knowledge.

Even though the house is in his name, I think it is common curtesy to discuss such a huge thing. It could affect us all as a family.

And my h should have learned his lesson. Due to poor financial decisions on his part, as well as mine, we were declared insolvent for 5 years.

Now he seems to be starting back on this slippery slope and I do not want to join him. He's just paid a grand for flights to go back home...