Is it natural to not immediately feel emotionally close to someone again after an argument?

[AliceAbsolum]

DH and I had a big row. He was properly depressed for a couple of days, barely speaking, not getting up, just sat scrolling social media with his lip pouted and frowning, grunting in my direction if I tried to speak to him. The atmosphere was awful.

He's mostly come back to himself now, but I can't connect again, don't want him in my personal space, don't want a hug. I really struggle when people are unpredictable and at the moment he's not a solid, secure place to be open and connected with.

Is this normal? Do you think positive trusting loving feelings will come back?
Thanks wise mumsnet people

So he sulked after the row. What a bloody big baby!!

On the one hand yes it was sulky. But it comes from feeling very depressed and low.

You can't just ignore the depression, but good God I can't stand sulking

It's called sulking and it's passive aggressive, it doesn't resolve anything. It also has power over you because you want to resolve things and move on and it doesn't allow this. I'd point this all out to him as he's acting like he has the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old and who wants to be in a relationship with someone like that?

What happened to cause the row?

I just saw that you're refusing to be hugged by him - it sounds like you're now getting back at him for sulking by refusing affection. It doesn't sound like the row has been resolved and it's now becoming power games.

If I were to give him the benefit of the doubt I suppose you could say that he was also struggling to feel emotionally close or communicative in the wake of a row, and was therefore not really engaging while he worked through that.

Sulking is bad, but having space to sort your own feelings out and just keep to yourself is allowed. I think you need a strategy for how you exit disagreements in a relationship - I'm very much a 'talk it over, reach mutual agreement whether it takes hours of dissecting, talk about our feelings, big cry', which DH understandably finds a bit stifling sometimes when he wants to be able to sift through how he feels and process before we reach a conclusion. We've come to an agreement that if we're not getting anywhere with a disagreement (or it's over, but we're still both feeling a bit raw), instead of me being a needy, 'let's attain emotional closeness and "fine" status immediately' or him going quiet for a while to process, we have a cooling off period and then we deliberately draw a line under it, kiss & make up, snuggle up together to connect physically and remove that weird post-argument barrier. I know I've got that coming to kind of settle it in my head how I'd prefer to, he gets the time to process he needs, we both benefit.

On the whole I think men are a lot more inclined to sleep on it and move on. That was yesterday, this is today, shall I put the kettle on ?. Women, on the other hand, tend to hold onto a grudge or an argument with almost religious ferver. Its like a standard bearer of malcontent they hold high in their minds which fuels an attitude of curled lipped shittiness. I see it ever working day of my life.

IMHO you need to throw your shitty stick away and remember that marriage has it's up and downs but you're in it for the long term. You only have to look at the news and see what other are having to cope with to give you some perspective. The moment's gone. Let it go and reach out.

I'm not refusing a hug, I just don't want him in my space.
I can't just go back to normal and "let him back in"

Generally he is pretty emotionally intelligent. When he gets like that, which doesn't happen often he's like a different person.

In the past I have been much more distressed by it, so when things are OK again, I jump in with 2 feet and my feelings are resolved by our connection being OK again.... But I'm not sure that's very healthy!
For the first time this behavior did not totally throw me off course and I was able to stay mostly calm and peaceful within it. By detaching.... I don't want to reattach and risk the emotional pain.

I mean my fault for being enmeshed right - how I react to his behavior is my responsibility

Clearly you both need time to process things.
He wanted space from you after the row.
You want space from him because he sulked.

I don't really see any difference between the two of you.

Have a look at the work of Julie Mennano, who wrote The Secure Relationship. She writes very well about how to reconnect https://www.instagram.com/p/CYjadfRlxWJ/?utmmedium=copyy_link

@Defiantly41

Have a look at the work of Julie Mennano, who wrote The Secure Relationship. She writes very well about how to reconnect [[https://www.instagram.com/p/CYjadfRlxWJ/?utm]]medium=copyy_link

Thank-you, very interesting.

It's entirely natural to not feel particularly connected to your partner after an argument. It can create distrust and a sense of disconnection. And its entirely fair if you don't feel the sticking point has been resolved.

But if it becomes an excuse to sulk and try to punish our partner its abusive. The line isn't always totally clear.

That's why communication is everything.

I had a fallout with my DH on Sunday. We both kept our distance yesterday, not to the point where we're not talking but certainly not as lovey-dovey. I find it hard to recover quickly, especially when I don't think I am in the wrong. I'm not withholding anything, I just can't immediately snap back to our usual selves - which is very touchy feely.

My boyfriend and I struggled with this. He was the one who wanted to bounce back, cuddle and get back to normal immediately after an argument and from my side of things, I was mostly fine afterwards, wouldn't sulk but was definitely quieter than usual and it was like my mood was lower for a little while and didn't want a hug etc. He used to get annoyed at me and bring up the fight again and again because I wasn't "back to normal" and figured we still needed to talk, and sometimes it took me longer than necessary to get back to normal out of stubbornness.

Neither of you is necessarily wrong, you just have different arguing styles. Just come to an agreement on how you handle it.

We've now got a "pause" rule that either one of us can use to leave the argument for 10 mins if we're getting too riled up, no questions asked. Then once we're done, I let him know that I'm ok and I'm just getting over it and will be absolutely fine too and he knows not to "force" the happy mood. It works, we don't argue much at all anymore. Just communicate with each other when you're both in happy moods and set some ground rules for during and after arguments.

He sulked for a couple of DAYS?!

Yeah - not attractive. Not kind. Two days is a long bloody time to spend 'punishing' someone you're supposed to love.

I find a couple of hours sulking (DH) hard to take (i'm just not a sulker). Two days of being a git to me would actually damage my opinion of him quite seriously.

I dont believe he was sulking to punish me, I think he was just unable to regulate his mood, at all, and that behaviour was its consequence. But yes it has changed him opinion of him a bit, I've lowered my standards. I thought at 35 he would have more emotional resilience and maturity.

I admire you. It's hard for a very much non sulker to see that point of view.

I can totally understand not wanting to go straight back to any fluffy lovey dovey stuff for a few hours (a whole afternoon, or overnight for eg) but a shared joke/normal convo within a couple of hours of a row is where my natural bar is. Back to total normal within a day.

Still grunting at your partner after 2 days ... no.

I just feel that a) life's too short and b) i couldn't keep up that level of bad feeling towards someone i love for that long.

I guess that's why i see it as punishing. Because the sulker must know they're prolonging the unpleasantness for their other half. It's just so self centred that length of time.

I mean, do you have kids? If so does he 'sulk' like that with them? If not then it's something he does have control over.

@Laiste

I mean, do you have kids? If so does he 'sulk' like that with them? If not then it's something he does have control over.

I don't think that's true - a relationship with a child is completely different to a relationship with a partner. I can forgive my children almost instantly, because they are impulsive, still learning and should be expected to be self-centred to some extent, and because I don't hold them to the same standards of behaviour that I do an adult in a romantic relationship.

I hold my husband to adult standards of behaviour, so if he does or says something that riles me then my reaction is completely different and I might want space from him to process my thoughts and feelings about it.

OP - It's a tough one as sometimes it does take a while to 'recover' from a row, usually when someone has said or done something that really hits home and triggers significant introspection. You say it was a big row - do you feel that your husband was 'in the wrong' as it were? Perhaps he didn't deal with it well, but if he was licking his wounds and considering how to change his attitude/approach/behaviour, then maybe he just needed a bit of time for that, in the same way that you have recognised that you need a bit of time to recover from his behaviour.

No kids.
Yeah it is self centered. He had a lot of stress on at the moment and it is hard for him, but he's absolutely chock full of self pity.
Personally I do think depression can make you act selfishly. And it's not an attractive trait

What’s he doing to help his depression? Is he taking any meds? Having therapy? It’s not your job to tolerate grunting and what sounds like epic moodiness. You’re making excuses for him. I don’t think you’re sulking either, his actions - whatever the cause - have consequences. If you put up with his slumps and pretend they don’t affect you because he expects you to jump back in as if nothing happened FOR DAYS he’ll keep doing it.

It’s his mental health, he’s the one who needs to find coping strategies that don’t shit all over the people he’s supposed to love.

How often does this happen?

In the past a hell of a lot more. It's got significantly better over the past few years. He's had intensive in patient and outpatient therapy before... Like it was quite serious, it's not like he's feeling slightly sad and acting like a dick for cruelty or control.
It does sound like I'm making excuses for him, but I'd say I'm aware of the reasons. It doesn't make his behavior helpful or nice, or my feelings any less valid.

I do think he could do more to manage his mood. But, where does that road lead? "unless you do exactly what I think you should do then it's not good enough".
This is the difficult shit with relationships - you can't just detach from the other person because you are inherently involved.

OP, if he is prone to depression, protecting yourself is wise.

Depression is a very tough illness for those that live with someone suffering.

It can be a very self absorbed illness.