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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset that BF is talking to his ex wife every day

42 replies

TraciB · 01/03/2022 09:45

started a new relationship 2 months ago. everything going great but he told me out of the blue in conversation his ex wife calls him everyday, they were together 10 years but split up 4 years ago after a very nasty break up...he doesn't think there is anything strange about this as he says they are now friends and there is nothing else going on between them, his ex has been with her partner since they split up .... he seems to befriends with a lot of his ex partners - am i being unreasonable to be upset andbothered by this?

OP posts:
MakeThingsRight · 01/03/2022 12:53

Ahhh ... Having said all that... I did date a guy who was best friends with his ex. He had moved on emotionally, she had been married 7 years since and had 2 kids but she still clearly wanted possession of 'her friend' she hated me 🤣 It did split us up in the end.

You either have to accept it or not.

My partner accepts my ex and vice versa but we still do speak / message often daily.

Suprima · 01/03/2022 12:54

Clearly not a nasty break up then

SemperIdem · 01/03/2022 13:03

That’s a hard no from me. If they had children it would be part and parcel of healthy co-parenting however they don’t so it’s just odd.

Rewis · 01/03/2022 13:21

Do they only call or do they also meet up?

Janey3090 · 01/03/2022 13:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Everyday is a lot - I don't even speak to my best friend or parents that much and I'm sure that's the case with most people! Trust your gut, if it's making you uncomfortable or anxious then it's worth speaking to him about it x

Xpologog · 01/03/2022 13:28

It’s not normal and if they don’t have kids why does she want to keep in contact with him?
Had this with ex H, they had a child together. She dictated when kid was picked up, where they were taken, what they did when with him. After we were married she launched a phone call campaign on us, phoning every hour through the day and sometimes the night too. Then she started turning up at our house, just pushed past to walk in one day.
So this could escalate. Could be a case of she doesn’t want him but doesn’t want anyone else to have him either. Do you know anything of gfs he’s had before he met you?

TraciB · 01/03/2022 13:31

@Rewis

They just speak on the phone - she has lived with someone else for 4 years and he has also had a 2 year relationship which ended May last year

OP posts:
NameGoesHere · 01/03/2022 13:43

No kids? Then give this up….. he’s waiting to get back with her. You’ll be second best forever.

ladycarlotta · 01/03/2022 13:47

It really doesn't mean he wants her back. Sometimes people work better as friends. I wish we could be more comfortable with this as a society: love changes, people want different things... it's great that they can continue to value the positive elements of their relationship. As others have said I would take this as a good indication that he is quite a good egg.

But, OP, if you don't like it, it really is OK to stop seeing him. You don't need to wait for a better reason.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 01/03/2022 16:52

If it was just her then I'd say run a mile, but if he's still friends with most of his exes, then its a lot less weird.

If he was likely to get back together with her, then he'd probably have done it at some point in the last four years.

At the end of the day, you can leave him for any reason you want, and if this is something thats going to make you jealous long term, then maybe it's better that you do.

But to be honest, I'd see it as a good sign that his exes still like him as a friend

SartresSoul · 01/03/2022 17:02

Not normal, especially when they don’t have children and even more so after an acrimonious split. I’d end things personally.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 17:32

@SemperIdem

That’s a hard no from me. If they had children it would be part and parcel of healthy co-parenting however they don’t so it’s just odd.
Still don't see why you'd need to talk every day unless children are very small?
EmpressCixi · 01/03/2022 17:36

I’m friends with a few of my exes. The relationships ended more because we realised we were better as friends than partners. There is love, but it’s not romantic love any more. I don’t see this as abnormal at all. I think some of the responses on here are from people who think men and women cannot be good friends.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/03/2022 18:13

Not normal if no kids - my DH speaks to his exW most days but they share custody so it’s just general like how was their school day and who is picking up/dropping off from swimming etc. I don’t mind that at all obviously, but if no kids involved I would think it was over the top - do his other friends call him daily?

Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree · 01/03/2022 18:27

My brother has always maintained brilliant relationships with ex girlfriends, which I think is a good sign of a decent man. But talking every day is a bit much.

Realitydawning98 · 01/03/2022 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

WalkingOnTheCracks · 02/03/2022 10:45

I had been dating a woman for a few weeks when we got into the 'previous relationships' conversation and I told her that I was still friends with two or three of the women I'd been out with, one of whom was the mother of my son. (I was fortyish at the time.)

She said that she could see that I'd have contact with my kid's mum, but she wasn't happy about me seeing any of the other women.

I said, "Why? They're friends. I don't think you can tell me to dump my friends."

He previous relationship, it turned out, had ended because the bloke was having a thing with an ex. So one could see how she was a bit sensitive to the possibility.

She suggested a compromise, and it was very specific. I could see one ex per month. For lunch, not for dinner.

I said, "That's nuts. I mean, if I was going to have sex with them, I don't think I'd feel it was impossible before teatime, do you?"

She was utterly convinced that this was an equable arrangement, and that in the interests of our future, I should agree to it.

I pointed out that she was in effect asking me to choose between herself - who I'd known for six weeks - and friends I'd known for years, and in once case since I was seventeen. How, I asked her, do you think that's going to go?

It went as you might expect.

However, what she was afraid of really, wasn't the possibility of sex, but that I had a history with those women that she couldn't match - memories, shared experience, emotional understanding. And of course that was true.

The issue, I think, is whether the OP thinks that that connection with the ex is still sufficiently strong that it'll get in the way of the formation of a strong connection in the new relationship.

But if you demand a stop to it, and it's not still a romantic thing, be aware that you're telling him how to conduct his friendships. Not many people will stand for that.

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