Dd friendship issues, shall I get involved?

[glitterit]

My dd is having friendship issues at school.

It's her gcse year.
Four months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and am recovering from a mastectomy and having treatment.
Our beloved dog died two months ago.
She's going through a lot.

Her two best friends have just cut her dead, won't speak to her.

She's been crying at night.

My aibu is one of the Mum's has texted me to ask how I'm doing?
My dd has made me promise not to mention it to either of the Mums - her life at school will be worse, she says.

I promised I wouldn't contact the Mums, but as one of them has messaged me first, should I say something? My heart is breaking for her, these friends gave it all the ' we will support you, anything you need' etc and now this cruel blow.

What would you do?

Yes I would, normally I wouldn't get involved, but given the circumstances and the fact the mum has texted you asking how you are, it's possible she's aware there are issues between the girls and trying to start the conversation

Personally no at 15/16 I wouldn’t get involved. It will only make things worse and she won’t confide in you again if you break your promise

In this case where she has messaged you and you're obviously friendly I absolutely would. I'd do it along the lines of "I wouldn't usually get involved but DD has no idea why they've stopped talking to her - I get it friendships sometimes end but what's upsetting her is not knowing why" etc. Then it doesn't sound so confrontational. Poor girl, teenage years are hard.

Sorry you are both going through this!!

You know what, teenage girls can be horrid!! They sometimes see a weakness and use it as a way to exclude others.

I would use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter that she doesn’t need to please others, grovel or beg for friendship. She doesn’t need these girls in her life - they have shown their true colours. Teach her she’s better than that!! Honestly it will set her up for life and she will have self worth and confidence in who she is.

Is there anyone else she can befriend?

Since the Mum has contacted you first I probably would mention it, I’d find it hard not to.

I would say DD's finding it hard 'with the fallout' on top of everything else. You're not betraying your DD's trust but you're highlighting an issue

Honestly if it was my daughter I would ring the mum and see if she can shed any light on it. I would be prepared though to accept it may not be so cut and dried and one sided. Is your daughter rebelling slightly at the world? Maybe the other girls have tried to help and its got a bit much? Just playing devils advocate here? I would also speak to school maybe to her form tutor and see if there is any support available like school counciliing for your daughter to have a space to help her.Such a difficult time and age to navigate the world,she must be very frightenend too. I hope it is a storm in a tea cup which may settle down in a few days, I hope you are ok too,you must be feeling like you have had the rug pulled from under you. Do what ypu need to do OP you never get badly thought of for loving your daughter too much to want to help! I would sort it if I could. Sending you strength and best wishes going forward,

So sorry to hear this OP

My DD had similar issues with her “close friends” at school. As they had been in class together and “friends” since age 5 I knew the parents well.

So my advice as to whether to mention it or not would be based on two things

1. Whether you can agree a form of wording with your DD - I really wouldn’t do it without her agreement and
2. Whether you think the parents are likely to be understanding and / or have empathy or not.

In our case the parents concerned had a startling lack of empathy in life generally so to mention anything was at best pointless and at worst could make things worse. So overall I had to bite my tongue and it was so hard. But if you could trust this mum to be kind, to understand and to not directly mention to her daughter that you’ve said, but ask her questions about your DD then maybe it could work

But for the future - my DD left home for Uni and when she returns for holidays, the “best friend” who at best ignored her and at worst actively excluded her in those last years at school, asks her constantly to meet up. My DD does meet her but on her terms and very rarely. Funny this somehow has resulted in this girl who excluded her so much wanting to see her so badly. So it seems like it’s about control.

So Maybe if your DD could act like she’s not bothered and try to engage with another friendship group that may result in this stand off being stood down. It’s easier said than done I know - my DD just kept waiting in the wings for them and it didn’t help at all.

I wish you well in your recovery and hope things improve for your DD

I massively sympathise with your poor DD but I don't think you should discuss it with the other girls' mothers. Their parents can't force them to be friends with someone, and I don't think it will do your DD any favours.

Where teenage girls are concerned, the 'reason' for them cutting off a friend can often be as simple as 'we just don't like her any more' or 'we think she's annoying' - which is horrible, but also not something your DD can actually do anything to resolve or will really benefit from hearing.

I was randomly cut off by close friends when I was about 13/14 and I have huge sympathy for your DD, but I would definitely not have been helped by parental intervention. I suspect your DD will actually make new friends sooner than you think.

If you do I would strongly suggest that you do it over the phone, so you can't get at situation where screen shots of your message pass between the other mum's phone, her daughter and their friendship group.

Would it be feasible to get her into some kind of outside activity or club where she can meet some new people?

I am up to teen 10.

Primary school I have been known to assist in navigating friendships.. Secondary - no way.
May well come back to bite you op..

The other Mum has asked after you. She may not be aware of the girls fall out, or this could be an olive branch? Reply on that basis and don't mention the girls.
In the meantime support your poor DD as best you can. What an awful lot you all have going on at the moment.

That sounds so hard for you and your DD, OP.

My DC are older, thank goodness, but I would say don't get involved, even despite the additional factors. I had to more or less sew my lips shut and sit on my hands on many, many occasions over the secondary years - but the overriding thing in the end is how it will affect your relationship with your DD if you get involved when she has asked you not to. You can gently encourage her to talk to her head of year/school nurse/tutor/anyone whom she trusts - along with talking to you, of course - but you can't make her do any of those things, and you absolutely can't step in. If it's any consolation, friendships change a lot post-GCSE as lots of people move/change schools/go to sixth form college etc, which tends to help a bit.

Its a difficult one because you want to help restore things to the way they were, but your daughter may be the cause of the fallout and not the other way around.
Talk to her and find out why it happened. If she genuinely has no idea then perhaps she would be better off without these two anyway given what has happened in your lives.
Perhaps a quiet word with her teacher would not go amiss.
Whatever you do, be careful as it could be looked upon as interfering

This happened to my dd also in her gcse year. We had just taken her and her friend to a massive event on the Sunday where they had a brilliant time. The following week at school the friend cut dd off and got the rest of the group to do the same. DD was very upset and confused. She had no idea why. It was tough for a bit as she had no 'group' but she held her head high and made friends with some nicer kids. She's been in their group ever since and is much happier. Still no idea why this happened but in her case looking back she's glad it did!

It is awful as a parent to watch them so upset. I didn't know the parents very well so talking to them wasn't an option for me but I probably wouldn't have. DD dealt with it and came through the other side.

Your situation does sound tougher for your dd as she has been through such a lot. Hugs to you both. I hope she finds much nicer friends 💐

Why not say something like, 'I'm fine thanks for asking. DD is finding things difficult. I know she would value support from X'.

These girls don’t sound very nice at all. I feel like at 15/16 they’re old enough to know they’re being arseholes.

I feel so bad for your daughter. What a huge amount of worry and strife at a tender age. I hope she’s ok (and I hope you’re doing ok as well)

I wouldn’t get involved, you can’t make people be friends!
We had similar, we ended up moving school for sixth form. Absolutely thriving now, new friends, new levels of support. Doesn’t hear from any old friends at all, quite sad really.
They say, you learn who your real friends are when you need support. It’s a hard lesson, I’m sorry you’re struggling.

Don't get involved. It's a bumpy ride being a teenager and there's a lot of mismatched maturity/immaturity around, and there's nothing worse at that age than having to hang out with someone you'd rather not hang out with, just because you're mum's said you should. Ride it out, but be there for her.

I would go with how you are but I can see something it upsetting my dd at school and she wont tell me what.

It's a really tough one this. I'm in a similar situation now with my DD (who is 11 so a bit younger) after her long term best friend out of the blue started to bully her in a really horrible way.

It's true that you can't make anyone be friends and parental involvement at that age can be very counterproductive. @Littlemissprosecco is also right that you have to learn these lessons yourself.

I have to say though if you have any kind of friendship with this woman at a personal level I might just let her know in a diplomatic way that there's been a fallout. If I were the mum that would prompt me to try to find out what was going on. And if my daughter were being as unkind as this to someone who was going through something as traumatic as this, I'd want to be having a word. Regardless of the dynamics of the friendship, parenting sometimes means holding your child to a higher standard of personal behaviour.

This is a really tough one @glitterit I was your daughter tho my parent died. The cruelty of those former friends is not lost on me. To this day, especially since most are now teachers, I always wonder if they knew what they did and how deeply harmful it was to me.

I don’t know what I’d do. I’ve always stayed out of it with my dc tho not had such extremely distressing personal circumstances during the teen years. The challenge is always people never want to admit their own children’s unkindness, and are often quick to get personal. I do wonder if the Mum noticed her dc wasn’t spending time with yours so reached out.

Maybe I’d say something very gentle like my dc is struggling having to navigate so many recent traumas, things at school seem to be hard with friends tho she seems at a loss as to why and really needs her friends right now. It’s not calling out anyone.

You are in a very tough place. I wish you good health. Make sure you and your dd get some lovely time together. It won’t erase the hard things, but help keep her mental health well.

It’s in tough times that you learn who your true friends are!
Hang on to those that are true, and just let the others go. Sounds like she may need a little encouragement to find new friends, as she’s hurting.
Wishing both you and your daughter all the best

Thanks for your thoughtful advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

I replied back and ended with ' how are you and your dd? ' hoping to open a dialogue but I haven't heard anything back.

I very nearly said 'shame about the girls' but in reflection I'm glad I didn't, as someone said my daughter has really firmly said she doesn't want me to say anything and this is not the time in our lives for me to be loosing her trust in me.

The other Mum is a really nice person - as a pp said she would be horrified I'm sure if she knew her dd was treating mine like this.

It's so hard though not to get involved. She sat here last night saying she genuinely has no idea why they are ignoring her. She doesn't want to go to school any more because of them.

I'm finding it impossible to access any counselling for her. Apparently the school counsellor comes into the lesson and announces 'it's time for your counselling now' to the whole class, which won't go down well.

Thanks again for clarifying stuff for me.

Could you try via your GP for counselling? That's what my mum did for me after a combination of bullying and bereavement.