Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give up on having a relationship with my mother

9 replies

Mrsprimary · 28/02/2022 17:03

I moved out and became independent at 21. I live in a different country from my family but she my mum has an apartment 2 hrs from where I live and spends about half the year there so I see her quite often. She hardly ever phones me and when she does she never asks how me or my kids are, everything is about her. It's the small details that hurt, I told her I had Covid, she never once phoned to see if I was ok or even mentioned it again. I went to see her this weekend. I left work early on Friday so I could go and see her and have dinner on Friday night, then spend Saturday, Sunday and today together. We arranged all of this last week. When I arrived, she met me with a friend (female) and told me they weren't hungry and didn't want to go for dinner. I explained I had been really looking forward to seeing her and having dinner with her but she didn't care. On Saturday we were supposed to spend the day together and go for lunch. She said she wanted to spend it in the bar with her friend. On Sunday I managed to get her out for lunch (her friend had to come too). Then this morning she asked me if I'd mind going home early because she had arranged to go out for lunch with a group of friends. I packed, said goodbye and left, she never even asked me to let her know when I got home to make sure I had got back ok (I did this anyway, she didn't seem to care). I'm so sad. I don't feel I deserve to be treated like this.
I have two children and I can't imagine ever behaving like this with them.
My mum is physically healthy and of sound mind.

OP posts:
Fernandina · 28/02/2022 17:08

Was she like this with you when you were a child, or is it more recent?

Original poster
Mrsprimary · 28/02/2022 17:25

When I was a child I was always jealous if my friend's mums. They always seemed so much more approachable and my friends seemed to have better relationships with them than I did with mine. I remember when my best friend and I graduated from university, my friend's mum said how proud she was of my friend and my mum just made a noise and smiled, I still don't know why age didn't say she was proud of me too. So to answer your question, yes she was I suppose but because I moved away when I was still quite young, it didn't seem to affect me as much (although it clearly did)

OP posts:
SummerRain41287 · 28/02/2022 18:23

Sounds like my mum. I speak from experience when I say that you will feel so much better once you have cut her off for good. She doesn't appreciate you. That much is obvious. She has been making you feel like this since you were a child. You cannot imagine ever treating your own children this way. Yet you're still sat here questioning whether or not you are the one being unreasonable. Over-sensitive. No you are not. There is nothing wrong with you. You cannot fix her. Move on. For the sake of your children. Pour all of that love that you have into your children. Show your children that you love yourself too. Because if not, they will grow up to not love or appreciate themselves either. You can do this, OP. Thanks

Original poster
Mrsprimary · 01/03/2022 18:15

@SummerRain41287 thank you. Unfortunately I think you are right. It doesn't make me feel less guilty but I think it's the only way of moving on and enjoying my life.
I can't imagine treating my children the way she has treated me. It makes me feel so sad Sad
She has always been quite prudish, which I know is normal for older people but when I had my miscarriage I didn't even tell her because I knew she'd probably feel embarrassed by the subject. Now I feel so stupid. I didn't tell the person who should have supported me most (apart from DH) because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable😔

OP posts:
Duke4 · 01/03/2022 18:43

I’m so sorry, that’s really upsetting. I can’t speak from experience as I’ve always had a good relationship with my mum. I just feel that yes you should cut her out. The facts are, you being with her makes not the slightest difference, indeed more a hindering. Don’t put yourself through more emotional rejection. Telling her won’t hangs things and really - would you want it to as it would be contrived? I would try to let go.

SummerRain41287 · 01/03/2022 19:01

[quote Mrsprimary]@SummerRain41287 thank you. Unfortunately I think you are right. It doesn't make me feel less guilty but I think it's the only way of moving on and enjoying my life.
I can't imagine treating my children the way she has treated me. It makes me feel so sad Sad
She has always been quite prudish, which I know is normal for older people but when I had my miscarriage I didn't even tell her because I knew she'd probably feel embarrassed by the subject. Now I feel so stupid. I didn't tell the person who should have supported me most (apart from DH) because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable😔[/quote]
Oh my.. Sad that's so sad about your miscarriage and I am so sorry to hear that you went through that without the support of your mother. But the fact that you feel you would have felt embarrassed by telling her is all you need to know in terms of the state of this relationship. It is dead. You need to find the strength within you somehow to cut all ties and move on. Permanently. For yourself first and foremost and secondly, for your children. Sending you love and healing at this time Thanks

Yellowleadbetter · 01/03/2022 19:10

I’ve done this.
I just stopped contacting her.
Days, weeks, months went by with nothing at all from her.
That confirmed that she had zero interest in me or my kids so I got on with life.
No upset, not tears, just got on with it.

It’s easier to do than you think.

Duckswaddle · 01/03/2022 19:15

I have a similar relationship with mine. I also had a miscarriage and didn’t get so much as a ‘sorry’. She cancels any arrangements we make, doesn’t invite me to family things. No interest in my kids. Makes me feel unwelcome in her house. But when I pull back she makes a big song and dance about how I’m ungrateful and the worst person. She makes me very anxious and stressed.
It’s been the same way since I was a kid - I was always jealous of my friends and their relationships with their mothers because I’ve never had that.
I totally get it.

Juniper68 · 01/03/2022 19:17

I'm so sorry to hear about your mothers. I used to moan about mine when she was alive but she did care and was interested in us. I still go to tell her things about me and the boys. She's been gone 4 years. You'd have all liked her though as she would have been interested in you all too Smile

I agree go nc OP. Concentrate on your own lovely family.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page