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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Elderly parent visit

14 replies

ProfFloss · 28/02/2022 16:23

I’m not close to my elderly parents and we have a distant and strained relationship.
I’ve been NC with them in the past but we’ve been on speaking terms for a few years now.

They’ve decided to visit me. I live at the opposite end of the country to them so they’re coming for a week. This wouldn’t normally be unreasonable if the relationship weren’t so strained.

My dad is like Victorian father and literally does nothing at home while my mother runs around after him. But when she’s at my home she is incapable of even making herself a cup of tea.

They last visited about 3 years ago. I work full time and my weekends are super precious to me. They are coming down over Easter so my much longed for Easter break will be spent fetching and carrying for them both. They are really not easy to please or easy house guests.

They’ve booked their train tickets which were very expensive. Both in their 80s. I usually go to them for 2 nights in December and occasionally a visit in the summer.

Do I need to just put up with it? AIBU for dreading it?

OP posts:

Bryonny84 · 28/02/2022 16:48

YANBU for dreading it but I think you should just put up with it. OK you don't really get on with them (been there myself) but they are old, set in their ways and are coming to visit. Maybe they're building bridges? Just paste a smile on your face, run round after them, be as nice as you can then wave them off when they leave. It's one week/end out of your life then you can get back to doing your own thing. Don't fall out with them no matter what, just grin and bear it. Who knows, it might actually be OK.

SallyWD · 28/02/2022 16:54

I know it won't be easy but I'd just put up with it. They're old and not likely to make many more visits in the future. A week really does fly by! If I was you I'd book a couple of days off after their visit to relax.

Merryoldgoat · 28/02/2022 16:59

Do you want to see them?

REP22 · 28/02/2022 17:03

If they've booked their train tickets without asking you first, surely that's on them? Can you just say that it's inconvenient or you're planning some redecorating and offer a few local hotels/B&B options?

I'm guessing that maybe this isn't an option. But it's awful if they've assumed that they can come and have just booked tickets regardless. I wouldn't be having that, even if they were my parents, and especially if your relationship can be tricky.

I'm sorry you're in this position and hope that it all works out ok. x

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/02/2022 17:16

A weekis a long time.

How did you agree on these days? Did they just announce it? Or did you agree/ invite them for a week?

Gizacluethen · 28/02/2022 17:28

Book them a local airbnb?
I don't think you should just put up with it and slave after them because they're old.
If they were to stay in my house I wouldn't be carrying or fetching anything for them. Every request would be met with a "just help yourself, cups are in the second cupboard to the right."

Porcupineintherough · 28/02/2022 17:34

Well you dont have to please them and you dont have to be cook/waitress/bottlewasher for every meal. Put out tea and coffee, tell them to help themselves . Put out cereal and bread and tell them to make their own breakfasts.

And if they didnt check dates with you, you can always say you are not available or not for the whole period.

thing47 · 28/02/2022 18:10

Are you taking time off or will you still be working? If it's the latter it is absolutely reasonable to point this out and warn them that you won't be fetching and carrying for them, or cooking complex meals for dinner (unless you want to) as you won't have the time. Give them advance warning and then you're in a position to just repeat 'I told you I wouldn't have time to look after you' if they kick off. It's perfectly reasonable to have boundaries in your own home, even with you own parents.

BlanketsBanned · 28/02/2022 18:14

What are they going to do when you are at work, leave the place a tip for you to clear up.

MichelleScarn · 28/02/2022 18:15

Why on earth should op 'run around' after them?!

EmmaH2022 · 28/02/2022 18:16

You talk as if you have no control but surely they can only come with your invitation?

Pantsomime · 28/02/2022 18:19

Can you afford to get a daily in fir the week to do beds, bathrooms, vac over and do breakfast clean up/ lunch prep and have a meal organised for night time? If your parents ask just say you are busy working and want quality time with them rather than doing housework. Then have all tea/coffee things including cups and spoons on the kitchen bench by the kettle and introduce them to it, telling them they need to help themselves when they need a brew up

Original poster

ProfFloss · 28/02/2022 18:28

I’ve said I’ll take a couple of days off work in addition to the Easter weekend.
It’s complicated in that they spoke about coming and to be polite I said yes that would be nice, not thinking they would actually come.
I can’t possibly suggest a BnB they would be very upset by that .
I’m very worn down by them and they make me feel this awful way that I should be grateful for their visit.
My mum has this awful way of constantly slagging me off in a very non aggressive way, it’s hard to explain.
I think I’m just going to have to grin and bear. My house is tiny and they’ll have my bed while I’m on the futon! What a bloody nightmare it’s going to be 🥴🥴

OP posts:

thing47 · 28/02/2022 18:56

I think you're going to have to grin and bear them coming, OP. But you certainly do not have to grin and bear being treated like a skivvy in your own home. Just don't do that, it is in your power. Boundaries, OP, boundaries.

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