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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU .. to hate #BeKind?

56 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 27/02/2022 22:24

If it wasn't for poor Caroline Flack, nobody would be trotting out this hackneyed put down, because that is what it has become. It's used to stifle alternative viewpoints, constructive criticism and healthy debate.

Whilst nobody should be insulting anyone in personal terms online or on any forums, discussion boards are just that. I don't want to be told to #BeKind (which amounts to #ShutYerTrap) when, for example, I say on a Dancing on Ice thread elsewhere that Sally from Corrie is the weakest skater.

It's also very lazy, used when people don't have a rational argument and want to seem superior.

#BeKind with your comments ... Wink

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/02/2022 23:19

@XenoBitch

I have used it once, and that was not to stifle anyone really. Some cow was relentless in her very personal attacks on me on social media, and it was all I could come back with.

Other than that, I agree with you.

I can’t imagine it actually worked? It’s like the supposedly magic “did you mean to be so rude?” line that’s always suggested on here. Telling someone who isn’t being kind to be kind is unlikely to change their behaviour.
XenoBitch · 27/02/2022 23:24

I can’t imagine it actually worked? It’s like the supposedly magic “did you mean to be so rude?” line that’s always suggested on here. Telling someone who isn’t being kind to be kind is unlikely to change their behaviour

No, she just mocked me and carried on. I was so upset, it was the first thing that popped into my head really.

A cafe local to me has a neon 'Be Kind' sign there, but this was well before the hash tag/Caroline Flack stuff. Back then, it was a genuine thing about it not costing anything to be kind, and that people may have hidden things going on. The meaning has just warped so much now, and I do find that sad.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/02/2022 00:20

@TooBigForMyBoots

I prefer Don't be a dick.
Agreed! Words to live by.
MangyInseam · 28/02/2022 00:24

I agree.

I hate it though because I think being kind in a serious way is really important. And not at all easy.

A lot of people and especially leaders who get on to the "Be Kind" bandwagon mean something quite different though. Easy platitudes, simplifying difficult problems, and not making oneself uncomfortable.

Often they make things worse for others in the end.

Daydreamsinsantafe · 28/02/2022 00:33

The few women I know who use it are nosy, backhanded, jealous & bitter gossips amongst other things.
The term just screams of passive aggression.

housemaus · 28/02/2022 07:29

The only people I ever see saying 'be kind' is people going "God I HATE being told to #BeKind!".

Always with the hashtag too.

I feel like some people have perhaps latched onto it a little bit.

Perhaps not though, maybe you follow more annoying people than me on the internet.

VelvetChairGirl · 28/02/2022 07:32

its misogynistic

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2022 07:50

I was first aware of BeKind in relation to school bullying. This Morning had a campaign as a result of the suicides of two teenagers. Nothing to do with CF and way before. It's a good message in schools.

www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/pledge-to-share-our-anti-bullying-message

babyjellyfish · 28/02/2022 07:57

Nobody ever tells men to be kind, do they?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/02/2022 07:58

@jeaux90

As a wiser woman than me said on Twitter "be kind" is middle class for STFU.
That's exactly what it is.
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/02/2022 07:59

@babyjellyfish

Nobody ever tells men to be kind, do they?
No!
YetAnotherUsernameToday · 28/02/2022 08:02

I know two people who use the hashtag regularly and they are both quite bitchy and insecure. I think it's often used as a defense by people who can give it but not take it.

YetAnotherUsernameToday · 28/02/2022 08:03

@babyjellyfish

Nobody ever tells men to be kind, do they?
No, and the men's equivalent to women is "Cheer up".
VikingOnTheFridge · 28/02/2022 08:06

@VelvetChairGirl

its misogynistic
Yeah, it actually means pipe down woman. That's how it gets used.
NecessaryScene · 28/02/2022 08:25

I think it's like a warped version of the Golden Rule - which is something along the lines of "treat others how you would want to be treated".

"Be kind" is effectively "treat others how they want to be treated".

That's got an abuse loophole so wide you could drive a truck through. There's a reason the Golden Rule is phrased like it is.

red321 · 28/02/2022 12:42

I loathe it. It's aimed at telling women to shut up and not have a view. Ironically often by other women.

I notice it's used most frequently when someone dares to post a slightly critical comment about an Insta influencer. Along the lines of I don't really like the way X is promoting over-use of single use plastic, reply: X loves the environment, don't say anything at all if you can't #bekind.

Umm, if you put yourself and your family life out there on SM to sell stuff, you can't expect everyone to love you. It's used to stifle perfectly polite and normal debate.

Maverickess · 28/02/2022 12:55

I think what people actually mean is
"Be kind to me no matter what I have said or done, I should be allowed to say and do whatever I want and if you are affected by it and say so then telling you to be kind is the end of it, because you're not allowed to tell me I'm wrong, nor discuss or explain why because I don't want to hear it"

A bit like the adult version of putting your hands over your eyes and pretending you can't see the adult telling you off.

HelenWick · 28/02/2022 13:00

Yes I find Be Kind goes along with "holding' certain people to a "higher standard" bullshit. Ie justification for the misogynistic bullying of JKRowling etc. "Why should I?" is my response.

Fl0w3ry · 28/02/2022 13:00

I find that the people who use it the most are usually the ones that are unkind themselves! It’s like a form of crazy making. And i agree it’s a term used to shut people down. It’s usually someone has behaved horribly, they are called out on it, then the person who originally behaved badly uses #bekind to stop themselves being held responsible for their behaviour. That should not be a surprise though, because the original source of it was the same scenario.

wishtotravel · 28/02/2022 15:54

@Maverickess

I think what people actually mean is "Be kind to me no matter what I have said or done, I should be allowed to say and do whatever I want and if you are affected by it and say so then telling you to be kind is the end of it, because you're not allowed to tell me I'm wrong, nor discuss or explain why because I don't want to hear it"

A bit like the adult version of putting your hands over your eyes and pretending you can't see the adult telling you off.

I agree with you. It's quick, shut down phrase which is used to prevent people from further discussing whatever the original issue was. Unfortunately those that use this seem to believe they have the upper hand morally, believing that their own opinion on what is "kind" is the objectively correct one. They fail to realise that everyone uses their own judgements in day to day life. If the situation was serious enough to warrant a stricter set of rules then their would be laws in place. When it's used it's as if they want to punish someone for using t he social code in a different way to them.
wishtotravel · 28/02/2022 15:55

There

MorningStarling · 28/02/2022 15:57

To me, "be kind" just means "don't be a cunt" - if you're in a situation where you wouldn't use the latter, don't use the former.

Rosehugger · 28/02/2022 16:03

I agree, OP. And I'm afraid I always took a dislike to Caroline Flack. Kindness is important but #BeKind is often just trite or meaningless.

hangrylady · 28/02/2022 16:03

YANBU. Overall I think I'm a kind person, I hate to see others upset and I have a lot of empathy but if someone is acting like a dick then why should I be kind?

VeryLongBeeeeep · 28/02/2022 16:16

YANBU, for all the reasons already stated. For women, 'be kind' is quite problematic. I won't be kind if it means letting someone trample over my boundaries, or indulging a harmful delusion, or keeping quiet when something important needs to be said. I won't be a twat about any of those things, but I will stand up for myself and what I believe in.