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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fear of losing my independence

15 replies

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 20:51

I've been seeing a guy for just over 3 months. We both have children. I am very independent, visit my friends across the country on my own with my 3yo. Etc etc. He's talking about going to visit friends with me etc and whilst he's talking about the hypothetical future, it really freaks me out. I have got so used to visiting my friends on my own with my son, that the idea of doing it with a partner makes me uncomfortable. I love being able to visit my girl friends, put on pyjamas, talk about nonsense etc and just chill. The idea of involving any partner in this irritates me. Is that unusual? I just think it would be weird involving a partner in this. I also worry that I will be expected to do EVERYTHING with a partner in the future, won't be able to go on holiday with my son just me and him (I think this is important), won't get alone time if we ever lived together (I really struggle if I can't have a couple of days on my own occasionally, always have). Is there something wrong with me? I love being in a relationship but the idea if being so intertwined with someone that we don't have separate lives scares me a little....

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 27/02/2022 21:00

I love being in a relationship but the idea if being so intertwined with someone that we don't have separate lives scares me a little

It would scare me a lot and I've been married for decades. We have shared activities and friends, but many activities and friends we are involved in separately. I'd hate to think we always came as an attached pair!

Original poster

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 21:01

@StoneofDestiny

I love being in a relationship but the idea if being so intertwined with someone that we don't have separate lives scares me a little

I worry that I've been single for so long (3 years so not ages but long enough) that I've got used to it just being me and my son and I don't know how to involve someone else whilst also having my own life with my own friends...

OP posts:

topcat2014 · 27/02/2022 21:02

Separate hobbies is one thing. Separate holidays not that common in long term relationships surely

Original poster

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 21:04

@topcat2014

Separate hobbies is one thing. Separate holidays not that common in long term relationships surely

Even if you have a child from a different person? Would it be weird to go on holiday just me and my son whilst he's young? I can't get my head round not being able to do this...

OP posts:

Original poster

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 21:11

Honestly, are you saying that if I end up in a ltr I can't then go on holiday just me and my son without it being an issue? That seems really, really controlling to me. Maybe I'm just out of touch.

OP posts:

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 27/02/2022 21:22

You set your boundaries. If you want a holiday alone you don’t need anyone’s permission. I’ve been married almost thirty years and I’d hate to live in DH’s pocket. I spend days out with friends and visit them alone and also enjoy a trip with a friend for a week every year.

Original poster

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 21:22

Another thing I worry about is bed sharing. The sex is genuinely great, and I love cuddles afterwards but I HATE sleeping in the same bed as someone. I'm a ridiculously light sleeper, and even if I was completely in love with a man, I would still be sleep deprived and unhappy if I had to share a bed. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't want to be on my own but I hate how anxious and weird I am about certain things. I can't help it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 21:24

@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow

This sounds perfect. And I'm not talking every other weekend. I visit this friend twice a year. We also festival together and I just think bringing a guy in to the mix would be odd and unnatural. I'd be so up for doing other trips or festivals with my partner!

OP posts:

metersmart · 27/02/2022 21:25

I've been single for 9 years and it's just me and daughter. It scares me to death of having someone else involved with us and basically just cannot be arsed with it.

Original poster

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 21:28

@metersmart

I've been single for 9 years and it's just me and daughter. It scares me to death of having someone else involved with us and basically just cannot be arsed with it.

I don't feel this strongly about it and genuinely do want a relationship, but one that allows me to go on my own holiday once a year and visit my friends without my partner occasionally. I also don't EVER want to share a bed permanently again. I sleep so badly and find it really, really tiring.

OP posts:

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 27/02/2022 21:28

I've been with my husband for 20 years and we have separate weekends and separate friends.

It's bizarre that you feel you would have to take him on a girls weekend.

Set your boundaries and make them clear.

If he is weird about it, it's a red flag and fuck him off.

Original poster

Hadharra · 27/02/2022 21:29

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen

I've been with my husband for 20 years and we have separate weekends and separate friends.

It's bizarre that you feel you would have to take him on a girls weekend.

Set your boundaries and make them clear.

If he is weird about it, it's a red flag and fuck him off.

Thank you!!

OP posts:

iRun2eatCake · 27/02/2022 21:41

@metersmart

I've been single for 9 years and it's just me and daughter. It scares me to death of having someone else involved with us and basically just cannot be arsed with it.

Same! Can't be bothered with having to consider someone else again. I also like sleeping alone!

StoneofDestiny · 27/02/2022 23:23

I go on holiday with friends and different holidays with DH - (and he goes on holidays with his pals). I don't see the problem. If you feel smothered in a relationship it's not the right one.

jeaux90 · 27/02/2022 23:24

Single mum here too.

I'm very independent but been in a relationship with someone who also has a kid for a few years.

I still go on holiday with my daughter etc on my own. We keep our separate houses, it's best for both of us and our kids that way. We also sometimes holiday altogether.

You do not have to follow social conventions if you don't want to.

Will we live together at some point? Yes. But not right now. It works just fine the way it is.

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