To think I may need to get them a carer

[Wineisrequired]

So my stepdad has been in and out of hospital for the last week and now cannot weight bear without 2 people helping him. He can’t get into bed so Is now sleeping on the sofa . I’ve been going over each day to get him up and trying to do small circuits of the living room with his walking frame. Can’t attempt to walk outside as he’s very weak and if he fell we’d never get him back up . Sorted out an emergency plumber over the weekend as they couldn’t use the sink or the toilet. I’m back at work next week but really think they need help . A nurse will be going in each day and I’ve said I can pop in each day after work to keep the walking bit going . Should I offer to get a carer or just do it. My step dad is a very proud man and I know he won’t be happy about it but I’m just really worried my mum can’t cope . It would also mean my mum has a break .

I would at least get the ball rolling. I work for a local authority sourcing care and at the moment there is a massive shortage of carers. We've had people waiting a long time. If you need to go through social services I would definitely get a referral made and the process starting.

If they will be paying privately I would start ringing around Tomorrow and see what the availability is like. It may be there is a wait, you may be lucky, especially if he isn't needing much. But I always think it's best to have something in place, like you said even if it is just to support your Mum.

Ok I think it may need to be a private carer then .I know that may be expensive but they are struggling . I’m back over there today and happy to help but also have to work . I will have a look on Monday to see if I can start the process. I also have some holiday left I can take if needed.

Sometimes it's better to approach this at an angle if they dont want carers. What about a cleaner a few times a week, maybe a gardener etc. It means they are getting help and the overall burden on your mum is reduced.

was there no assessment of his care needs made before he was discharged from hospital.
or was he not an in-patient.
what about physiotherapy.
is it actually safe to be trying to walk, and the sleeping on the sofa ?
does he need a hospital bed.
could you contact his GP to raise all these issues, urgently.
also social services for a care need assessment.
it's unlikely that a careworker would take it on without a clear care plan, agreed by a qualified person.
you could also contact local carers' centre, sometimes called princess royal centres. local to where they are. they can be useful..
good luck.

Unless you are really well off (as in it could reach up to £1000,s of pounds per month eventually), any care they need should be funded by your local council. If you start off by paying privately, and he or they then need more help, or even residential care, which costs an absolute fortune, you may find it very difficult to persuade their council to take over financial responsibility, if it does become essential.

I put that you are being unreasonable, this is because while both your parents are compis mentis you must not run roughshod over their thoughts and wishes. You can try one, or at the maximum two, attempts straight away, to explain to them why you think they need extra help. But if they won't accept it at the moment, please leave it for a while, as I am sure you don't want to risk hassling them.

You can only suggest it, it’s ultimately not your decision to make however frustrating and worrying that is.

I think as of yesterday a nurse will go in each day . They are looking at a bed being put in the living room as well. I’m not at all forcing anything on them but I think the speed of his decline is very worrying and my mum isn’t in the best of health either . No real follow up or after care from the hospital and he spent a lot of time in the back of an ambulance.

Agree with previous post, there should have been a care package provided for him when he returned home, but knowing men, he probably said he could manage. You could contact social services or his GP especially if the sleeping arrangements will be long term. Also have a word with the nurse that comes in to see what she thinks.

I’d be getting a SS assessment.

I think my mum mentioned trying to contact social services on Monday. He is a very proud man so probably declined any form of help offered by the hospital. Even me offering help probably isn’t something he really wants.

How long did he spend in hospital ? What was he like before he went in ? Could he walk without a frame before ? Could he climb stairs if they have them ? Is the illness he was hospitalised for getting worse or was it an acute episode that he has 'recovered' from ? Do they have a downstairs bathroom/toilet ?
Older People especially, lose a lot of condition when in hospital and it can take weeks for them to regain some of their previous abilities. There is a lot of simple equipment that can help getting up and moving around a bit easier, social services have OT's and physio's who can assess and provide most of this equipment. Was he given any exercises to do by the hospital physio's , if so they might be in a bag he brought home ?
A lot depends on his diagnosis, an acute illness can knock people sideways but they gradually recover, a chronic illness can be trickier as they might not always recover to their previous baseline.
Does he need help with washing and dressing ? do you think you could frame it along the lines of it being safer if there is someone else there when he mobilises to the bathroom incase he falls, just for a few weeks until he is feeling better ? If he really isn't safe to move around you can get plastic bottles for weeing in quite cheaply online, social services should also be able to provide a commode, you can get wheeled ones, if it is flat between the lounge and the toilet this may be the best bet, as he could be pushed up to the sink to have a wash if there is room.
You mention a nurse coming in, do you know why they are coming ?

Why on earth was he discharged without a plan in place? If he cannot transfer to bed/to toilet he needs carers 4 x a day. I feel like if you apply at home through social work its probably going to take a bit longer than if he's an inpatient taking up an acute bed. Did he see a physio and OT while in hospital? If he's in the chair overnight (which a lot of people do because of their breathing) it will have a detrimental affect to his skin, is his bed up the stairs at the moment?

I honestly would imagine that he is going to need readmitted for social reasons rather than an acute illness. I cannot believe he has been sent home without care and a bed already in place. What is the community nurse coming for?

I'm work in the NHS and I'm stunned as well that he was discharged with such scant care provisions. I would have expected him to possibly be discharged into a rehab or renablement unit for up to 2 weeks. Or if that would be overkill then he could have kept in until a hosp bed at home was available. I'm so angry on your behalf. They can't be sending home a Patient who can't sleep in a bed and doesn't have a working toilet. What a ludicrous situation!!

(Having said that, I know elderly parents who are beginning to realise they can't cope will happily lie through their teeth if it means either they'll get to go home to their normal surroundings or it means they won't get anyone finding out they're not coping!)

@Beseen22 if he has capacity he can discharge whenever he limes and refuse all offers of assistance. And many do, despite it being - stupid.

Can they apply for attendance allowance?

Maybe suggest a MALE carer. Many older men do not like the prospect of a female carer doing intimate care, such as toileting, dressing etc., and do not realise there are men who do this sort of work.

So he was very unwell before being admitted to hospital. He has large ulcers on his legs which are being treated weekly by the nurse. They felt he may have septicaemia and he should be admitted asap. I’ve been over to see them again today and had him walking a few laps of the living room . Also went for a quick walk with my mum to get her out of the house. I think all I can do for them is lurk in the background and help if required. I’ve offered to go over twice a day and get him trying to walk with his walking frame . It’s just really rubbish seeing your parents getting old and struggling . No sign of my brother either which is very annoying.

What you are currently doing sounds unsustainable. They need a comprehensive care package for both their sakes. It doesn’t sound as if he is going to improve very much unfortunately so getting SS involved asap is the way forward.

We had access to an emergency team who were really responsive in getting things in place and sending carers 4 times a day. Ultimately it wasn’t enough and Dad needed 24 hour care but the care can be put in place very quickly while a longer term plan is formulated.

Be ready to hear the word ‘assessment’ a lot.

Good luck.

@thestaffy easier said than done. I'm trying to source a make carer for my dad at the moment. Rarer than hen's teeth and, if any good, there's a high demand. We'd be willing to pay well and still struggling.

male

@porcupineintherough

He certainly could but he would be discharging against medical advice and in that case he would have to be able to walk out the door and get himself home. Doesn't sound like he is fit enough to do that and sadly I think they have taken him in, treated the acute infection but not assessed how safe he would be at home so just discharged him when his infection was treated. If he is not fit to discharge against medical advice, and he's still refusing care assessments then it would be a particularly complex discharge and social work would have been contact as he is not really capable of maintaining his own safety at home if he's not able to mobilise/access a bed/have working toilet facilities.