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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I don’t need to prove this?

23 replies

BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 17:00

I’m not in contact with my ex and he doesn’t see our children, we split up almost 5 years ago and since then he has barely seen our children (he’s seen them on about 3/4 occasions in that time) the last time he saw our children was over a year ago, in that time he has not asked to see or speak to them. I am planning to change my number (I have reasons for this) but have been told it’s my duty to inform him of this, I don’t plan to contact him and I’m not comfortable with doing that, the last time we spoke he made it clear he wasn’t interested in being a dad or seeing them so I don’t plan to chase him. Apparently though it’s up to ME to prove I didn’t make it difficult for him or didn’t try to stop him, why is it up to me to make sure of that? Surely it’s his job to prove he did try? I don’t plan on having contact with him again and if he wants to see the children again at any point in the future I would want this to be through the official channels anyway so he can prove he is serious and won’t be letting them down again like he has done over and over. So he has my address and can get in contact that way. Am I wrong for thinking it isn’t my job to prove he didn’t try? FWIW I do have messages where he’s said he won’t be seeing them etc

OP posts:

FlipFlops4Me · 26/02/2022 17:02

If he has your address, surely he could write to you to set up a visit if he wanted to? He doesn't need your phone number.

ColettesEarrings · 26/02/2022 17:03

Who has 'informed' you? I suspect you need legal advice.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 26/02/2022 17:03

Who would you need to prove this to? He's not likely to suddenly take you to court.

If he isn't interested now then he won't even notice your number has changed, and, if he really wanted to he could contact you in other ways anyway.

You don't have to inform him.

girlmom21 · 26/02/2022 17:06

Who's told you that you should inform him? You don't need to.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 17:12

Who said this?

I think I'd ensure he had my email so I was contactable. That's it tbh.

MadeForThis · 26/02/2022 17:18

He knows where you live I assume?

MadMadMadamMim · 26/02/2022 17:19

You do not need to inform him. He has made no effort to remain in touch with his children and, should he decide he wants to in the future, he knows where you live.

You have no 'duty' to inform him you are changing phone numbers.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 17:20

The grapevine is talking shite.

UserError012345 · 26/02/2022 17:24

Can you set up an email address solely for him to contact you / DC?

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 17:25

I posted on another group and was told that i need to be able to prove I wasn’t being difficult and it wasn’t me stopping him, despite the fact I haven’t heard from him in over a year...

OP posts:

MsHampton · 26/02/2022 17:27

@Totalwasteofpaper

Who said this?

I think I'd ensure he had my email so I was contactable. That's it tbh.

Yeah this. Does he have an email address for you already? If not set one up that's just for him and email saying if you need to contact me, use this.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 26/02/2022 17:27

@BabyTurtIe

I posted on another group and was told that i need to be able to prove I wasn’t being difficult and it wasn’t me stopping him, despite the fact I haven’t heard from him in over a year...

Even if this was the case, he would have to prove he tried to contact you, which he hasn't 🤷🏻‍♀️ its not like he's been an involved father and you've taken the kids and moved /changed email/changed number etc, quite the opposite.

HughGrantsHair · 26/02/2022 17:28

YANBU. If he suddenly decided to be a decent father and wanted to see his children, he knows where they live. I wouldn't think twice about not informing him of a phone number change.

Itwasntmeright · 26/02/2022 17:28

Who do you need to prove it to? They are talking shit, ignore them.

MrsBertBibby · 26/02/2022 17:28

Family solicitor here, that's bullshit. Go change your number and don't give it another thought.

Chloemol · 26/02/2022 17:30

Why don’t you buy a cheap phone give him that number and carry on

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 17:31

I’m guessing prove to the kids? If he ever tried to come back I need to be able to prove to them it wasn’t me stopping him?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 26/02/2022 17:32

@BabyTurtIe

I’m guessing prove to the kids? If he ever tried to come back I need to be able to prove to them it wasn’t me stopping him?

If he wants contact he can knock your door, write a letter, go to court, call your mom.

BertieQueen · 26/02/2022 17:37

My son hasn’t seen his father in 7 years, and before that it was a handful of times. I tried to work with him but he just didn’t want to know. Our contact was through emails only towards the end - which I still have.
Since our last contact 7 years ago I have changed my number and also moved city! Have i informed him? Have I heck! He doesn’t tell us what he does so I’m not going out my way telling him when there is no need for him to know.
He has my email he could contact us if he wanted.

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 17:46

They made it sound like I was being really unreasonable on the other group to not contact him to give him my new number! Why do I owe that to him? If he changed his number I doubt he would be informing me. My kids are aware he isn’t interested in them as ever since we split he has never once had them overnight or even taken them to his house (he would only see them at mine) and when he did he would fall asleep on the sofa, he wouldn’t take them anywhere everywhere I suggested would be met with “it’s too far” we are talking a bus ride away, my children are fully aware that he isn’t interested.

OP posts:

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 17:48

I had to put a stop to him coming to my house which is when he stopped seeing them

OP posts:

crystalize · 26/02/2022 18:35

He's a loser. End of. Don't give it any more thought.

Original poster

BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 18:56

Exactly, I’m not sure why it’s my job to make sure he can still contact me when he has made zero effort to have any contact with his own children in over a year.

OP posts:

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