To be frustrated and concerned about ds 6yo

[Whatsmyname100]

Im not sure if frustrated is the right word..im at the end of my tether.
My ds is almost 6yo. He is such a passive and painfully shy child. I get this, I was one as well and still to an extent. He is placing himself at such a disadvantage in absolutely everything. I will provide a few examples:

• I just found out that he is the only child in class not participating in an event in his class. The only one. These are kids he knows, he likes and gets along with.
• Every morning he gets to school and is confused or just stands there till someone calls him in. The exact same 100m walk that he has been doing for a year.
• He gets up this morning and puts his clothes over his PJ's. This is probably the 100th time that it needs to be removed first.
• When he is with his friends he just passively stands there waiting for them to call him to join in. He just does not participate in anything.
• He plays a sport but just stands there with his hands behind his back, waiting for the group to run past him and then will join in.

There are so many more examples. We have tried to help him, build his confidence, sent him for an assessment, give him lots of time and encouragement. The part that is frustrating, is that all examples above are not a problem IF its something HE wants to do. He will get dressed perfectly fine if its somewhere he wants to go. He will only join in if its a game he wants to play. He will only do something at home if its what he wants. School have no concerns, though I feel that see him participating by his presence but not really by actually contributing. He plays the sport really well at home, yet when with his activity he just stands there clueless. It is very concerning as he is withdrawing into a space where he isn't getting involved with anything. We went to a class mates birthday last weekend, he just stood there while all the kids were dancing and playing games. I had to go and get him him to join in. These are the kids he is with all the time, very lovely children. We got home and he said he had a great time . The playdate invites have stopped because I can see how he just doesn't get involved in anything. Please help with any advice.

At school, my DD would sit as the teacher explained a task and then go to her desk and have no idea what to do. She seemed overwhelmed by the steps of, for example, take out a pencil, open your book, write the date, answer the questions. What's helped her has been a visual checklist that tells her step by step what to do. I wonder if you could do something similar for your ds to help with his morning routine. E.g. create a chart with like, 1. Take off pyjamas, 2. Put on uniform (obv more detailed if necessary).

My DD is the same at not getting involved unless specifically asked. I was the same/still am. It's harder for some of us to pick up the cues and I'm afraid I don't know the solution but it does seem to get better over time. Especially with support. I'm thinking, when finances allow, to get my DD involved in an extra curricular hobby that isn't too social but more independent. I think a group activity would be her nightmare but something she can focus on and work at could be really good for her self esteem. Horse riding is the only thing I've come up with so far, but I'm sure there is something else.

Is he struggling to process instructions so he literally can’t join in?

If it’s constant, and not occasional and you see it in different environments, not just school, I’d wonder if he had an attention deficit disorder? Some children are also hyperactive, but some are inattentive (some are both!). Your son sounds like he is not Able to pay attention, unless he has a strong motivator (eg something he wants to do).

If you think about his behaviour in terms of when he is able to meet the demands, and when he is not, would that be helpful in understanding him? Don’t think about it in terms of his ‘choice’, or him being deliberately shy or difficult, this type of behaviour may be more to do with what he is able to cope with?

If he is ok with things he wants to do, but is struggling with the sports club and birthday parties etc. I'd re-evaluate whether sending him to that sports club or the birthday party is the right choice. Obviously, school is not really an option, but why send a 6 year old into these environments when you know he doesn't do well?

Maybe look for activities that better suit his current personality, from the sound of it something that is one-on-one or small groups would suit him better.

I would make visual reminder cues to help him remember what he needs to do with getting dressed etc. Make sure instructions are clear and to the point. Make sure.you have eye contact wherever possible.

I would make an appointment for an assessment with an educational psychologist. Also he probably needs a motor skills assessment.
It could be nothing, it could possibly be some kind of receptive language issue.
Either way keep your examples to show the professionals.
School often are not concerned if the child is coasting along, not excellent but also not failing.
Trust your instincts. You are his mum and know him best.

See I think that is just some kids personality, I have the most lovely friend who is very similar but in big groups she just doesn’t say a word and stand there.

I wouldn’t pressurise him or get him assessed I would just keep taking him to nee things, but not overwhelming places.

Does he speak when not joining in or does he claim up and go silent as well?

We got home and he said he had a great time

He probably did!!

I'm not experienced with this age group but I've been teaching teenagers for a long time. Some of the kids (and adults) I've known are like this - they genuinely get lots of enjoyment out of people having fun around them although they don't seem to be "participating". They enjoy listening to conversations but wait until they've got something very funny/clever to say before speaking. These teenagers I'm thinking of are often some of the most popular in their class because they'll happily go along with whatever. Give him time and his friends will come to understand him more. His teachers aren't concerned because they too will have seen happy kids like this.

I wouldn't pressure him too much in the moment though eg at the birthday party, if he doesn't want to dance.

If he’s happy i would leave him be. Not all kids are ‘joiners’, my ds wasn’t when he was small. I accepted him as he was and as he’s grown up he’s come into his own.

I say this gently as it’s clear that you are concerned but feeling judged by his dp for being himself will affect him far more than his shyness.

The getting dressed thing is possibly not exactly the same thing as the social passiveness, but a slightly unrelated thing

What does the teacher think? Whatever happens you do need to remember he is only 6, and accept he's different to the way you are/were, it sounds more like you're irritated than worried (not that I think there's anything to worry about!). Myself and my middle ds are like this, I very much need to be led and micro managed, that's the way I've always been. As for sports, activities, if he's shy you have to give a bit of leeway. Do you talk much about why he doesn't do things?

His he being rejected by friends whenever he does interact. Then his self belief fails to engage with the people around him.

The social awkwardness and shyness need addressing. Him standing on the side lines sounds like he wants to be part of the group.

As frustrating as it his for you I am sure he feels just as frustrated.

Its good he shows the interests he likes he likely just needs self confidence