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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a message to my ex

29 replies

bexxboo · 26/02/2022 10:21

Me and my ex broke up 5 years ago, we have both moved on and had children etc.

However I feel I ended it badly, I moved back in with my dad and started seeing someone very quickly (now DD's father).

I saw my ex's mum in town yesterday then had a vivid dream about him.

Now I'm wanting to send a message just wishing him well and I'm sorry for leaving the way I did etc. he's engaged now with a baby and I'm not sure if it would be unfair of me.

OP posts:
FlasherMcGruff · 26/02/2022 10:22

You’re assuming it would make him feel better when really you’d be offloading on him to make yourself feel less bad though.

KylieCharlene · 26/02/2022 10:23

Yes, it would be unfair.
Leave well alone.

clpsmum · 26/02/2022 10:23

Leave it alone it's not fair on anyone to do that imo

Babadook76 · 26/02/2022 10:25

It’s been 5 years. You’ve both moved on. What are you hoping to achieve by contacting him?

galacticpixels · 26/02/2022 10:25

I would hate if an ex did this to me. Leave it alone, I'm sure he's moved on long ago and this would be of no benefit to him.

MarinoRoyale · 26/02/2022 10:26

God no, don’t do it! Sounds like he’s moved on and it’s a little arrogant of you to think he gives you a second thought and would want to know you feel bad 5 years later.

BuyDirt · 26/02/2022 10:27

It’s a ridiculous idea. He’s moved on. Leave him alone.

Darkstar4855 · 26/02/2022 10:29

YABU, leave him alone.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 26/02/2022 10:29

The thought of my ex contacting me after all these years makes my anxiety go through thr roof. Don't do it op

vodkaredbullgirl · 26/02/2022 10:31

leave alone

BuyDirt · 26/02/2022 10:33

OmgIThinkILikeYou

Yes, it’s very intrusive.

NoNameNoGane · 26/02/2022 10:36

An ex contacted me for this reason a couple of years ago. Initially I felt a sense of closure because I had always wondered what provoked them to end things so badly (18 years ago) but this soon wore off.
It highlighted my DP's insecurities and MH issues, which in turn caused problems in our relationship. I soon realised ex had done it for themselves and not to make me feel better.
Don't throw the cat amongst the pigeons just to absolve yourself. If ex's mum thinks it's appropriate she will tell them that she saw you and they might make contact, but you really should leave things at that.

youdoyoutoday · 26/02/2022 10:41

OMG no!! That's so selfish, he's moved on so why bring it all up again just to make yourself feel better?

HangOnToYourself · 26/02/2022 10:44

No, exes texting is always a headfuck. I understand your reasons but it wont help anyone

Divebar2021 · 26/02/2022 10:46

This is as a result of your dream. I often have dreams that make me feel weird for a day or two… I think if you leave it you’ll feel ok soon.

MrsTimRiggins · 26/02/2022 10:46

That would be an inappropriate thing to do, not to mention the fact it would be really fucking weird.
Why would he want a guilt-apology from an ex from five years ago when he’s long since (and happily!) moved on?

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 10:49

Yes you'd be v v unreasonable to do this and I'm glad you asked rather than just going ahead and doing it.

itsnotdeep · 26/02/2022 10:50

My ex contacted me ostensibly to apologise too. But of course it wasn't just about that, and I've ended up in being drawn back in.

In my case I was single though, but in your case OP he isn't, so I'm sure you can see that no good will come of you contacting him, and it's all about you, not him. He's moved on, and you need to leave him alone.

In my case I was single, and he lives in a different country so I have engaged and it's been nice to get to know him again but it was difficult to start with having to go through all the break up stuff again.

BarryTheKestrel · 26/02/2022 10:59

I had repeated dreams that an ex was dying. It made me feel really off for weeks. I ended up sending him a message, not even knowing if it was still his number as we'd broken up 10 years prior. He had ended it with me, in hideous fashion, and I'd spent many years incredibly angry with him for it, but my dreams had left me worried and concerned. I text and he responded a few days later saying he had recently had a health scare but was fine and that he was sorry for the way he'd treated me all those years ago. We had a short catch up over our current lives and went on our separate ways.

However looking at it now I can see that it was really selfish of me, and that whilst it had a good end all around, it could easily have gone sideways. Don't do it.

Original poster
bexxboo · 26/02/2022 11:39

It's probably the result of the dream why I'm feeling like this, we were both crying and it was horrible then I woke up crying. I won't send him a message but it's strange how things still haunt us years later.

OP posts:
Original poster
bexxboo · 26/02/2022 11:41

And for the people calling me arrogant and selfish, fuck you.

I shouldn't be shot down for sharing my thoughts.

I haven't DONE anything I was simply asking.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 26/02/2022 11:43

Leave it, it’s history.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 26/02/2022 11:45

You want to insert yourself back into his life to appease yourself and give yourself closure.

He has moved on and is happy and probably hasn't thought about you for ages.

Contacting him would be entirely selfish, leave well alone.

UserBotLurking9to5 · 26/02/2022 11:46

I think that if you ever ran in to him in real life, you could say it and it wouldn't be patronising in those circumstances, but contacting him out of the blue, he wouldn't know how to respond and he might say something that'd make you both feel worse. I don't think you should be shot down for running this question around in your head either!!

Onlyforcake · 26/02/2022 11:50

Just leave it. If you ever bump into him again, just positive glad to see you're well, great kids. Bye. The thing is you're looking back with rose tinted glasses. You left because you needed to at the time.