How do you feel in control of your life?

[Missmummy88]

I look at people who feel confident & in control of their life and choices.

I question everything, don’t trust my own decisions, don’t feel confident in my parenting. I ask other parents constantly what are their bedtimes/ tech time schedules/ activities etc. I don’t feel confident I am in the right job but don’t know what the right job is so I just carry on.

I don’t feel confident to spend money - we need new sofas but I’ve always got a “what if we need the money” head on. Even though we are financially free & both working.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips on how to feel in control of life, able to make decisions and feel confident with them? Able to feel like you are steering your own ship not just being blown about in a dinghy?

Very good question. I’ve become incredibly indecisive in the past few years. Just don’t have faith in my own judgement anymore. Everything feels overwhelming. Just feel like a rabbit in the headlights. If anything I do goes wrong it knocks my confidence. So watching with interest.

To a degree, there’s only so much you can control in your lives. Stuff happens that’s totally out of our control.

WRT money stuff, I do have several bank accounts that I put money aside monthly, into. Normal stuff - car, holiday, pets, emergencies etc, that helps me feel more in control.

I also meditate which helps my MH.

I write everything down I want to accomplish or make a decision on. Every day I write the next step needed to get there. For example, I want to clean out my garage, so I write it down. The next day I write what the first step is for example buy storage boxes. Then it gives me breathing space to forge ideas on where I can source them at the lowest cost. Then only once I’ve done tha, I write the next step and that’s fill box 1 with so and so.

It allows me to accomplish tasks and goals less impulsively and with thought to each step. Then suddenly it’s completed.

I call this my Morning Routine. I use the same book for both work and personal tasks/goals. Or also sets me up for the day knowing what my priorities are. Then I don’t get sidetracked by meaningless jobs or thoughts and keeps me on track.

I have both ADHD and anxiety so this really helps manage these with less overwhelm.

Listen to the Rangan Chatterjee podcast. It's really good! Loads of interviews with experts on varying topics about how to feel well and live more. I feel so much better about lots of things since I started to listen.

I feel the same as you but in reality I am in control of my life - the reason I feel out of control /overwhelmed is because I worry and overthink things to the point of panic.

@BonesJones

Listen to the Rangan Chatterjee podcast. It's really good! Loads of interviews with experts on varying topics about how to feel well and live more. I feel so much better about lots of things since I started to listen.

Could you link to that please?

"I ask other parents constantly what are their bedtimes/ tech time schedules/ activities etc"

Why do you do this? I wonder if it's ready made school gate chat, but then constantly focussing on this is breeding insecurity? Easy step - stop doing this. Stop following yummy mummy (bleurgh) types on social media, stop comparing yourself.

Second the recommendation re meditating - I feel so much better when I do this, and yoga, it's slipped a bit the last couple of weeks so I need to get back on track with it.

@Timmytoo

I write everything down I want to accomplish or make a decision on. Every day I write the next step needed to get there. For example, I want to clean out my garage, so I write it down. The next day I write what the first step is for example buy storage boxes. Then it gives me breathing space to forge ideas on where I can source them at the lowest cost. Then only once I’ve done tha, I write the next step and that’s fill box 1 with so and so.

It allows me to accomplish tasks and goals less impulsively and with thought to each step. Then suddenly it’s completed.

I call this my Morning Routine. I use the same book for both work and personal tasks/goals. Or also sets me up for the day knowing what my priorities are. Then I don’t get sidetracked by meaningless jobs or thoughts and keeps me on track.

I have both ADHD and anxiety so this really helps manage these with less overwhelm.

I like this approach, thank you

Something else I do is to manifest what I want. My current goal is to get a job that pays xyz in my current career. So I have written that out with my desired salary. Next I research job openings that match what I want. I then write down the skills/experience I have at that moment and compare that to my desired job.

I will then figure out what my gaps are. For example I need more experience with Google Ads. So I find free courses and webinars online for and do one a day to get insight.

You can only manifest what you are, so I’ve gone a step further and I watch people who are where I want to be. Example a webinar speaker etc. I see what they wear how they talk etc. Then I learn that behavior. I buy from charity shops in affluent areas so I pick up stunning stuff for peanuts which makes you look the part for interviews or work.

To practice my skills, I would design stuff for local businesses on my own accord. Example, I wanted to learn how to design an app. So I did a couple of free courses and then chose a local business and designed an app taking info from their website. That’s how I practice and build a portfolio. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been paid to do it for a portfolio. It’s a demonstration to show the prospective interviewer your ability.

Once I feel I have the skills necessary and look the part for confidence, I start applying for work for that next step up. Even if it takes a year or two to build yourself up, knowing that it’s a possibility provides motivation to upskill and believe in yourself.

An important aspect is reflection. Reflect on yourself and what blocks you from achievements. Then reflect on changing those. Perhaps even counseling to change current thought patterns.

Joining groups is a great way to get a taste of the industry and people in it. It’s also a good networking tool to open new doors.

I feel I have some power, there are choices I could make but not sure the other choices would make things better for me. So I don't feel I have that much power to change things for the better.

Time will change some things though.

You an practice decision making and being decisive, I think

You start with smaller things, like kids bed times, choices of food etc and stick with if.

It's very useful to learn to make quick intuitive d decisions

You may make mistakes or wish you had chosen somefhjng else... No problem

Most decisions are reversible you see

So if you decide to let kids stay up later and it does not work, you can change their bedtime

I've learned to accept that you can't, tbh, so it's better to learn to live with uncertainty than to try and prepare for every eventuality. I think this is something that gets easier as you get older though. I'm 66 and don't think I could have done it in my 20s/30s.

I've been made redundant and married a man who turned out to be an abusive shit, lived through interest rates shooting up and house prices crashing (followed a few years later by the opposite), riots, attacks on the welfare state, bereavements (one of which totally fucked up my retirement plan), high unemployment and labour shortages, and the one thing I've learned is that shit happens from time to time no matter what you do. And things that would have been unimaginable when I was young, like people in the UK having to use food banks are now, if not tolerated, then at least accepted.

The super-rich can avoid the worst impacts of many events by fucking off elsewhere, but for the rest of us, we're pretty much stuck with shit that happens.

Things that help are stuff like having a secure home that you can't be chucked out of and enough in the bank to cover your expenses for 3 months or so. So no, I wouldn't buy that sofa if it meant using my "safety net", but I might get it on interest-free credit if I was confident I could pay it off over 3 or 6 months. (Actually, I bought my sofas on a store card, because doing so got me an extra 10% off, but I paid it in full before there was any interest due).

Planning can mitigate things to some extent, but not prevent them. The things that are most important are having family and friends that you love, enough money to eat, keep a roof over your head, stay warm and have the occasional treat now and again.

Anything above that is a bonus.

I bet you are in control, OP.If you were to look at the different areas of your life, I bet you are in control of them. You just don’t feel it - what could be making you feel out of control? Sometimes I think it is one thing we have got used to that casts a shadow over ever else.

The stuff about asking other parents about bedtimes, I dont see that as questioning yourself really, I see it as benchmarking. We all do it a bit to find out an average/see what's usual.
You can always buck the trend though, you don't have to conform. Just do whatever works for you.

Re work and longer term goals, we write a list at the beginning of each year and work methodically through it.
It might be that with small children in tow, you decide that an ok job is fine for now and certainly better than a job you might hate. I'd probably stay where I was at work but look at how I could progress in the organisation and how I could make my role more enjoyable.
Finally, just learn to treat yourself. It's your money. Buy the sofas.

@LakieLady

I've learned to accept that you can't, tbh, so it's better to learn to live with uncertainty than to try and prepare for every eventuality. I think this is something that gets easier as you get older though. I'm 66 and don't think I could have done it in my 20s/30s.

I've been made redundant and married a man who turned out to be an abusive shit, lived through interest rates shooting up and house prices crashing (followed a few years later by the opposite), riots, attacks on the welfare state, bereavements (one of which totally fucked up my retirement plan), high unemployment and labour shortages, and the one thing I've learned is that shit happens from time to time no matter what you do. And things that would have been unimaginable when I was young, like people in the UK having to use food banks are now, if not tolerated, then at least accepted.

The super-rich can avoid the worst impacts of many events by fucking off elsewhere, but for the rest of us, we're pretty much stuck with shit that happens.

Things that help are stuff like having a secure home that you can't be chucked out of and enough in the bank to cover your expenses for 3 months or so. So no, I wouldn't buy that sofa if it meant using my "safety net", but I might get it on interest-free credit if I was confident I could pay it off over 3 or 6 months. (Actually, I bought my sofas on a store card, because doing so got me an extra 10% off, but I paid it in full before there was any interest due).

Planning can mitigate things to some extent, but not prevent them. The things that are most important are having family and friends that you love, enough money to eat, keep a roof over your head, stay warm and have the occasional treat now and again.

Anything above that is a bonus.

Excellent post.

Thank you so much, some amazing ideas & philosophies that I am noting here.

I struggle to commit to things for fear it will get too deep and I can’t get out of it. For example i could progress in my career - but then what if I invest time, money and effort in that only to decide I want to do something else?

What if I buy the sofas then think of something else I would have needed / liked more?

I seem to have lost trusting my instinct and diving in feet first into something, instead I worry about every action having a negative impact

Thank you for the ideas 💡 they have been helpful - now to try and implement in daily life!

The chapter qbout self efficacy in the 6 pillars of self esteem was a good listen
Its on youtube+

@NandorTheRelentlessCleaner

You an practice decision making and being decisive, I think

You start with smaller things, like kids bed times, choices of food etc and stick with if.

It's very useful to learn to make quick intuitive d decisions

You may make mistakes or wish you had chosen somefhjng else... No problem

Most decisions are reversible you see

So if you decide to let kids stay up later and it does not work, you can change their bedtime

I used to feel like this but age and some hard knocks can change this.

@Timmytoo thank you, really useful, I’m going to try it!

I think when you're struggling to make a choice - either a big one like about a relationship or career, or just a little one like buy a new sofa or not - it is helpful to remember that doing nothing is not necessarily the safe option your head is telling you it is. Doing nothing is making an active choice, and sometimes it's a bad one.

Yes. I'm naturally optimistic - not being smug I'm just not taking credit for it - so making decisions is fairly easy because I imagine that things will work out for me regardless of what I choose.

But I have some rules about when I make a big decision, never on your best day or the worst day and never if you believe you wouldn't have made the same decision a week ago.

If it's just a sofa, buy it.