Have a lovely DS of 2.5 years and DH who tries really hard to be a good dad and husband on top of his stressful, tough job.
Problem is me. Always has been and always will be.
I've been depressed and anxious for as long as I remember. It's worse lately and I'm getting some CBT in a month. On antidepressants already. I've tried about 5 or 6 over the years.
I know there's lots of things I could do better: less screen time, eat better, exercise. I don't have it in me to even try right now. Struggling to function on a basic level so family are stepping in but most of them are useless or just don't have the patience to deal with the tough shit. My mum has barely been in touch all week, for example, even though I'm kind of breaking down and she lives 30 minutes away. DH is angry there's so little real support, he's near breaking point himself. I've been in touch with my GP. Trying to book with a psychiatrist I saw a few years ago.
My beautiful boy. He senses something is wrong.
He's in nursery full time.
I didn't have great parenting role models. Witnessed DV in childhood and also smacked around or spoken badly to ('would have been better off breeding dogs' is at the milder end of it). Also got love and conditional praise and affection so it's all messed up. My self esteem is poor and I've always struggled to maintain friendships.
Aside from getting over this hump, I am desperate for some good therapy that really focuses on parenting. I'm so afraid I'm going to unwittingly repeat patterns with my boy (NOT the smacking, that's not going to happen), or go too far the other way and fail to set boundaries. He's a beautiful soul and deserves better than me.
I'd be really grateful for recommendations for a therapist who can help and who I can work with longer term, i guess I'd prefer online sessions.
Have had counselling, psychodynamic therapy, CBT, schema therapy. I do wonder if I've got an undiagnosed personality disorder or something.
I'm a lost cause but I just want to get a bit better and then do my best for DS.
Thanks for reading