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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another mil one!

26 replies

whyohwhy3 · 25/02/2022 21:23

So bloody sick of my mil! Been married 12 years, love my hubby although he does have his faults. However he is an only child and his mother honestly thinks the sun shines out of his behind, he's late 30s and she would honestly still take him to the toilet if she could!!
The latest is I've been bought a surprise weekend away by my best friend for my birthday, it's two nights away which means DH will have to have the kids whilst I'm away.
He works full time and I've just gone back in to full time work. I had a call from mil yesterday to ask how I was possibly going to make it up to DH as it's "so bad for him that he will be so tired from work and will have to watch the children all by himself for a whole weekend, I hope you have something in mind to make it up to him".
I've spoken to DH about this and he agrees that she is being ridiculous but won't say anything to 'mummy dearest'

I know a lot of people will say I have a DH problem but although he doesn't like to say anything, most of the issues I've had with her have been so ridiculous we don't even know where to start! Some examples of her behaviour:

When we go to their house she will tell DH that she needs to inspect his toe nails as she thinks he shouldn't have to cut them himself, apparently that should be my job! Luckily he refuses to let this happen

She once asked me if I was making enough time to have sex with him because 'men need that attention from their wives' (I fully know this didn't come from DH because he openly admits he doesn't have much sex drive because of his medication, he was annoyed she had suggested this)

She tells me that it's my fault that my DS has autism because apparently I didn't give him enough full on attention despite being a stay at home mom until he started school.

I'm just bloody sick of being put down by her!! I completely understand why DH won't stick up to her because he is an only child and suffers with some severe MH issues due to his past with his parents which has given him attachment problems. But am I unreasonable in thinking she just needs to cut the bloody apron strings and accept that she is no longer the main woman in his life!!

OP posts:
Original poster
whyohwhy3 · 25/02/2022 21:26

I should also add that DH has confronted her before on the odd occasion but every time he does she will ignore his message and message me directly asking "have you had an argument because DH seems to be annoyed with me so I'm guessing there are some problems at home" so I always end up just saying let's give up and ignore the messages altogether because she will refuse to ever get in to a discussion with him!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 21:28

Next time she visits ask her how she would feel if you got divorced. 3 in a marriage isn't appropriate tell her.

Ivyonafence · 25/02/2022 21:29

Obviously you've chosen to believe otherwise but you have a DH problem. People will say it because it's true.

Lots of people have bonkers family members. They put boundaries in place to contain the impact they have on themselves and their spouse and children.

It's a cop out to absolve your DH of his role here. It takes two people to be enmeshed in that way.

EmoIsntDead · 25/02/2022 21:38

she once asked me if I was making enough time to have sex with him because 'men need that attention from their wives'

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

tearinghairout · 25/02/2022 21:39

She is way overstepping the mark, and the only way is to refuse to engage/cut her short: "No, things are fine, thanks" and then change the subject. The toenail thing? Bonkers. I would tell her she's being embarrassing.
I also think that in time, she will realise that she's not the number one woman in his life anymore, although this may take time! It took a long time for my MIL to grasp that I'll never take her place as his mother and that she will never take my place as his wife. What helped is DH ringing her weekly and giving her a bit of attention.

SickAndTiredAgain · 25/02/2022 21:41

She tells me that it's my fault that my DS has autism because apparently I didn't give him enough full on attention despite being a stay at home mom until he started school.

I wouldn’t put up with this. She’d be asked to leave my house anytime she made a comment like that, and wouldn’t quickly be welcomed back. If it was at her house, both me and my child would be leaving. I wouldn’t risk my child hearing that grandma thinks his autism is mum’s “fault” - what a horrible message for a child to hear, essentially that grandma thinks that there is something wrong with him.

StoneofDestiny · 25/02/2022 21:41

Just tell her to get out of your marriage!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 21:42

Op just wondering how you find such a sap sexually attractive?

thistimelastweek · 25/02/2022 21:43

No question, those apron strings need cutting. But your husband has to be the one to cut them.

rolypolydoly · 25/02/2022 21:47

Stop making excuses for your DH.

He needs to tell his mother to fuck off out of your marriage.

Inspect his toenails?! Asking if you have enough sex time?!

NO.

He needs to put his foot down.

You DO NOT have to put up with this.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2022 21:52

Let me be very clear... I wouldn't ever see or speak to this vile woman ever again. She is so sick, cruel and grossly inappropriate there simply aren't words.

No one should ever put up with this kind of treatment and behaviour. She takes pleasure from making you miserable.

Block her from your phone and your life. Your husband can deal with her.

MrsTrumpton · 25/02/2022 21:57

Of course you have a DH problem. How does she know about the weekend? Because he's run off and told her! You need to stop him sharing every little detail of your marriage.

But, seriously, why are you having anything to do with a woman who thinks it's your fault your child has autism??? And why isn't your DH defending you on that? At the bare minimum I would block her on my phone so I didn't have to deal with her shitty texts.

pictish · 25/02/2022 22:07

She’s mad poor thing…but if it were me she’d be getting right to fuck. Politely of course. Re: the weekend away. “Ok. As far as I’m concerned dh and I are both on the same page and fine with it. Direct any further comments his way. Bye now.”
Just don’t take her on. Cut her short. Tell her to speak to her son. Tell him to put her straight. Step as far back from engaging as you can, every time. Don’t worry about offending her. Stay polite…fuck her off.

underneaththeash · 25/02/2022 22:10

I just don't pick up the phone any more if my MIL calls. She IS well meaning, but really annoying and I can't be bothered. She can ring DH if there's a problem.

TheUsualChaos · 25/02/2022 22:18

Usually I would be of the opinion that DH needs to sort it out with her but it sounds like there are some pretty complex and deep rooted issues here that make it very difficult for him. You mentioned he says things to her by message rather than face to face or over the phone. Would he find it too difficult to actually talk about it to her?

I think all you can do when she pulls this shit is to concisely and politely correct her and leave it at that. Don't engage in any to and fro discussion. Just correct her and shut her down every time. I can hardly believe it's even possible for someone to believe it's a wife's job to cut their DH's toenails. And as for asking about your sexlife - particularly when it's in the sense of her being concerned whether her son's needs are being met - just what kind of messed up place does that come from??

DifficultBloodyWoman · 25/02/2022 22:21

Yes, she lacks boundaries and she doesn’t know her role in your life (or your DH’s by the sound of it).

I would consider this irritating but not the end of the world. I’d also try to stop it.

Do you ever confront her directly about this so that she cannot help but see her actions through your eyes? If not, she may not have realised how ridiculously out of line she is. You could do that in a nice way by simply being polite and direct.

However, if you think that won’t work or if you’ve already tried it, go nuclear.I have found that a well timed explosion can solve the problem. Next time it happens, react immediately and loudly, and don’t give her a chance to respond. Have a full on rant.

It usually shuts people up and modifies their behaviour for at least a while. You also run the risk of being labelled the crazy one but only to her fipriends and behind your back so who cares about that!

SugarAndCoffee · 25/02/2022 22:21

She tells me that it's my fault that my DS has autism because apparently I didn't give him enough full on attention despite being a stay at home mom until he started school. walk away every time. This is disgusting. Just get up and walk away. No need for you to have anything to do with her. Vile.

Merryoldgoat · 25/02/2022 22:25

Tell her to fuck off.

Seriously.

Tell your DH you’re done with her shit. You love him but she’s his problem.

And texts aren’t ‘confronting’. Your husband is a coward who enjoys being mollycoddled but if you can cope with that then that’s fine.

whysoserious123 · 25/02/2022 22:30

Your partner either needs to grow a backbone and make it clear or you need to just let her comments slide over you. You've survived 12 years just ignore her she has an unhealthy obsession with her son

Darbs76 · 25/02/2022 22:33

Did he not even say anything to her when she made the comment about your son’s autism?

Justilou1 · 25/02/2022 22:35

Yep… I would be even harsher. “MIL, your boundaries are definitely inappropriate. If you don’t realize or care how uncomfortable or embarrassed you make me and DH when you say things like this, then you really need to know. If you do realise this, then you’re being being very passive-aggressive. Either way, it’s getting worse, not better. I think you need to speak to a counsellor about this before it causes any further conflict.”

pictish · 25/02/2022 22:38

I agree that your husband enjoys being mollycoddled.
That’s fine but she fuck off pecking at and insulting you.

MyBottomDecides · 25/02/2022 22:42

Come on. Its unlikely to be as simple as she's mad and bad and OP should force her DH to choose between her and his DM.

OP, your son is autistic. Autism famously runs is families. Could it be that she is, too? The lack of boundaries, the difficulty understanding social conventions, the obliviousness to the relationship change as her son grows to become an adult. It doesn't mean she isn't also an unintelligent or selfish person, but at least some of this might be her own difficulties.

Why not try dealing with her directly and factually, as you would with someone with ASD?

Are you making enough time to have sex?
Our sex life is between us and no-one else, DMIL

Is it fair he has the DC for a WE when you go away?
Yes thanks DMIL, we've discussed it and he's fine with having a special Daddy WE - I'd do the same for him

Etc etc

Tr

Holskey · 25/02/2022 22:43

Agreed your dp should be speaking up.

But so should you! Sex talk: "That's so inappropriate and I'm not prepared to discuss it with you". Autism comment: "that's offensive and absurd, and you'll be asked to leave if you continue".

It won't mend her mind, but it will likely make her more reserved. Make being a twat uncomfortable for her.

MyBottomDecides · 25/02/2022 22:43

*autism runs IN families