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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder if it's sad if a person needs to work to be happy

44 replies

LitterPicker1236 · 25/02/2022 09:28

Our family business folded in the pandemic. For years, I have worked brutal hours between work and looking after DC.

Suddenly, I find that I am no longer working and DC have now left home, and I literally don't know what to do with myself.

For years, I envisaged that I would love time for hobbies. Now I have the time, I feel that I there are no hobbies that I am really excited about taking up.

Also, I feel I need to work to gain a sense of usefulness and purpose and to have some kind of structure to the day.

I have applied to go back to my old profession that I used to do before we started the family business years ago, so will soon be going back into the work force.

Am I sad to need to work to feel happy?

OP posts:

toastfiend · 25/02/2022 10:04

I don't think it's sad at all.

I love my job, I'd keep doing it if I won the lottery. I've had periods of not working due to relocating, maternity leave etc. My mental health has always been very bad during those times. I need the structure and the purpose of work and it gives me things to focus on. If I don't have that my anxiety gets bad as I focus on the wrong things, even though I have active and fulfilling hobbies.

I actually think it's a good way to be. Most of us need to work for the majority of our lives, if we enjoy it then so much the better! I don't aspire to retiring early either, my Dad did and I think he regrets it to some extent. He's had almost 20 years of not much structure now, having been extremely senior in his field, and I think he's been bored for quite a bit of that. He moves house and takes on huge building and landscaping projects relatively frequently, but as soon as they're completed he's looking for a new one to do and I'm not sure it's enough for someone as fiercely intelligent as him really.

RJnomore1 · 25/02/2022 10:08

I absolutely adore my job. And shock horror I still manage to do lots of other things 😁

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 10:09

It's not work per say but purpose and structure.

Work is actually a great MH intervention for mild/moderate depression.

Colderthanever · 25/02/2022 10:11

Of course not having a purpose in life and feeling like we are achieving and contributing is important to many people, and that can take many forms, from working to managing a home, or both.

FennecShandDoesEverything · 25/02/2022 10:14

We've known for decades and decades that work is good for you. Mentally, physically, socially. Not working (including in retirement) is bad for you. So no, I don't consider it sad. I get purpose and meaning and structure and socialisation and challenge - all of which are very good for you psychologically - from work. I don't really envisage myself ever completely retiring, although I do think I'll go self employed and gradually reduce the paid element while I do other things. I'd rather be an Attenborough - still working and vigorous at 95 because he feels a sense of mission and purpose and loves what he does - than somebody who potters around for 40 years.

AffIt · 25/02/2022 10:21

It's related to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, surely?

I like my job: I find the work I do interesting, I like my colleagues, and I enjoy the intellectual challenge, particularly when working on more strategic stuff.

Now, it's possible that I could find that same sense of purpose and achievement in, I dunno, volunteering, but working FT suits me.

Even if I won the lotto, I would have a side-project of some kind going on, such as a small business or executive directorship or similar - the squirrels in my head get restless with too much free time.

Finding that purpose and applying it to your own life is key - for some people, that may be working FT/PT, for others volunteering, for others community support. Ultimately, though, I think most people do need to have some sense of purpose.

user1487194234 · 25/02/2022 10:31

I feel the same enjoy my job,it gives me a sense of purpose,gives an example of a good work ethic to my children,uses my very good education

i do lots other things as well as work,but instead of work,not for me

WouldIwasShookspeared · 25/02/2022 10:31

No you are not

Original poster

LitterPicker1236 · 25/02/2022 10:38

@whenwilliwillibefamous

For years, I have worked brutal hours between work and looking after DC. So basically you have had 0 time to adjust to making your own plans. It's not surprising that you're not completely fabulous at it straight out of the gate, don't worry about it. You might find that with a job that doesn't consume 99% of your time and effort, your interests will have space to blossom, while still having the regularity of the job to anchor your life. That's another way of saying you do you, OP, and that there's nothing wrong with you, it's just circumstances I think.

You have nailed it I think. The pandemic put me into retirement overnight, so I had no time to plan for how I would spend the long hours every day.

When I go back to my profession in a few week's time, I will do 3 days a week, which is just enough to keep me going I think.

I do meet with friends regularly. I do have lots of people who seem happy to get together. However, I can't shake off the feeling that my current existence of pootling around is a bit pointless!

OP posts:

DirectionToPerfection · 25/02/2022 10:41

I've had periods of not working and my mental health was far better then. Work is often pressurised, stressful and tiring.

There are other ways to get social interactions.

babyjellyfish · 25/02/2022 10:43

It's not sad at all.

I need the structure, I need to do something with my brain, I need to earn my own money.

Having a job during the week makes me enjoy my downtime more, and I enjoy the things I buy more knowing that I earned the money to pay for them.

Macademiamum · 25/02/2022 10:46

I've had some periods being unemployed (with babies and health issues) and it made me so depressed. I think we have a few intrinsic needs as people. To make social connections, to work, to play, to make a home, to procreate. Most of our actions are done with those motivations. So if you have a bit of time to do hobbies (play), you have friends and family (social connections), your done having babies and you have a home what is there left to do but work?
That doesn't mean work in the sense of a salaried position, a lot of work is unpaid but work none the less. Even a lot of hobbies are really work too. It's what we are here for. Not to be paid by the hour, but to work things out and overcome challenges and create things and innovate: it is a massive part of what it means to be human

Original poster

LitterPicker1236 · 25/02/2022 14:32

You lot have brought a tear to my eye! It turns out it's actually normal to feel the need to work. All I want is to do something that is useful.

I am in my late 50s and many of my friends are retiring around me and are blissfully happy. I can't help but feel that there is something lacking in my character that I can't get more pleasure from the activities that they now spend their days doing (things like going to groups, socialising and engaging with hobbies) .

I've always looked at my parents' retired lifestyle with envy over the years. Turns out that it isn't for me!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2022 14:37

Honestly? It is a bit. What are you going to do when you are retired?

There is a man who is 80 who volunteers at my local MP's office. He doesn't nothing but calmly and patiently help people. I had a recent issue where he managed to get two diametrically opposed people to come to peace (not agreement) with his wonderful intervention. I'm so glad he's not at home 'enjoying' his retirement.

Macademiamum · 25/02/2022 14:48

@LitterPicker1236 I feel the same about SAHMs I am really happy it makes them happy but not the life for me.
I don't plan to ever retire, just wind down

Upamountain43 · 25/02/2022 14:49

Everyone is different - i hate working, not my job per se but the time it takes me away from all the wonderful things i like doing.

I find no matter what job i have it becomes boring and repetitive after a couple of years but when at home i can do what i want and mix it up as much as i want. I defiantly do not need to feel I am contributing in any way and i don't really feel the need for a sense of purpose or structure. I think i have too much going on in my brain to do the same thing day in day out and i need to have constant change and challenges to be learning new things and even with changing my job every 2-3 years or so work just does not provide that.

Like i said we are all different and that is great - but i would start thinking about retirement as it is approaching for you and begin preparing how you will manage it. Working 3 days a week is a great step and will give you time to find those things to fill the gap work fills at the moment.

Notadramallama · 25/02/2022 14:56

Some people live to work and some people work to live.

I work because it pays my bills, nothing else. I'd be over the moon if I never had to go back. It's such a tiny and un-important part of my life.

My dad, on the other hand, is in his mid seventies and is still working because he chooses to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2022 15:01

Actually it's worth saying that job satisfaction (regardless of job) is mildly heritable. Genetic. Some people like to work and some don't and it's hard-wired.

OfstedOffred · 25/02/2022 15:11

Oh my goodness of course not. Our desire to fill our time productively is what has got the human race where it is today, we thrive on mental challenge.

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