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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take DS(8) tablet?

23 replies

MonkeyToez · 24/02/2022 22:15

DS8 started asking for a mobile phone several months ago as some of his friends from school have one. I said no as in my opinion an 8 year old doesn't need a phone. I also don't believe that he's currently responsible enough to own one and that it should be a privilege to be earned rather than given. He then asked Ex for a phone. Ex messaged me asking for my opinion on gifting DS said phone for xmas and I told him the rules I had already laid out and that if he did decide to buy him a phone he would not be allowed to use it in my house (he sees Ex for approximately 4 days per month).

DS finally got his Xmas presents from Ex this week and has returned home with an amazon tablet, logged into Exs amazon account. It has parental controls set up via Exs account and all settings etc require a pin to access which I obviously don't have.

I had a talk with DS and explained that the rules regarding the tablet were the same as the phone; it is not to be used in my house and I expect next time he goes to Exs that he leave it there. I'm frankly not comfortable with keeping a personal mobile device in my house when I have no access to the settings/parental controls and cannot oversee the usage (I also don't wish to take on this responsibility currently anyway). I also see it as a privacy issue in that any photos/videos taken on the tablet in my house and of my family will end up stored on Exs cloud storage attached to his amazon account which makes me very uncomfortable.

As a bit of brief background Ex was incredibly abusive towards me throughout our relationship and still shows very controlling tendencies towards me. DP has messaged Ex requesting that the tablet stays at his in the future and Ex has ignored the message.

Part of me feels that Ex has purposely undermined me to DS by giving him this tablet knowing there is next to no difference between that and a phone and that I would take it off him making me the 'bad guy'. But DS looked so sad when I told him he couldn't keep it here that now I feel incredibly guilty. AIBU?

YANBU - ex should have asked before sending the tablet home with DS and respected the rules I set in my house

YABU - let the poor kid have his tablet

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 24/02/2022 22:26

I think you're being unreasonable.

Why can't an 8yo have a tablet?

Jeschara · 24/02/2022 22:53

I think you are unreasonable too. My grandson has a tablet and a cheap phone watch. His parents are separated, my daughter takes responsibility and he gets screen time. He has to come off ot when he is told.
I really cannot see your problem.

XelaM · 24/02/2022 22:58

You're being so mean to your poor son. Very unreasonable not to allow him to use his present

Bienvenidos · 24/02/2022 23:04

I think you are being unreasonable, and I don’t think ex is necessarily being deliberately difficult. I personally would not see a phone ban as the same as a tablet ban, they are not the same in my mind.

It sounds as though ex has been responsible regarding parental controls and settings, and the business about photographs seems rather paranoid. Presumably your ex knows what your family look like and where you live anyway?

ldontWanna · 24/02/2022 23:07

What dod he do his online learning on during lockdown?

catandbabymama · 24/02/2022 23:09

If he only sees your ex 4 days a month could you not just change the Amazon account etc to yours? Easy enough to do and then you have access to parental controls etc. explain to ex as he has DS only a few days it doesn't make sense for it to all be set up to his account.

Kerrie21 · 24/02/2022 23:11

I think ds should be allowed a tablet.
I think kids without one (obvs those not well off) are in the minority so in other words I expect most of his friends have one.

If you are worried start off with 30 mins a day in your presence and build up slowly.

There's some crap apps but some are really educational.

Mine had one at 3 and it's used most days for at least 20 mins.

Is the issue more about the ex buying it? When sd used to take pics and videos on her phone/ tablet I hated it as I was uncomfortable with what her mum would be seeing if didn't feel right.

Louisianagumbo · 24/02/2022 23:15

I understand that your ex was abusive during your marriage but it seems here that he did consult you before buying the phone. And he took on board what you said. I wouldn't equate a phone and a tablet as being the same so he might not have done either. I also wouldn't take kindly to be messaged by my ex's partner to be instructed by them to keep the tablet at my house. I don't see how that makes your situation smoother really.

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 23:17

I'd have no problem with an amazon tablet. My ds is also 8 and has had one for a good while. He plays minecraft and "Google meets" his mate.

I would however have major issues at not being able to access the parental controls and to have anything on it going on to ex-h cloud. For that reason I agree with you that I would not allow ds to have THAT tablet in your house.

ChaoticWoman · 24/02/2022 23:34

I think your being unreasonable not allowing him a tablet but I don't think you're unreasonable about he worries RE a a tablet you have no ability to adjust safety settings or limit usage and the concerns about the privacy of photos and videos and your son takes of you and your family being easily accessible to your ex as it's kept on an iCloud account you have no access to.

I don't know if Amazon is like Apple in that you need the pin to factory reset, if it is then it won't be as easy for you take control of the safety setting if the ex won't give you his pin and Amazon account details. I have to enter my Apple ID password to factory reset my password and nobody in my household that and I certainly wouldn't give it to an ex.

So while I don't think a tablet for an eight year old is unreasonable I do think it's reasonable to be concerned about having zero access to monitor and check how it's being used without having to regularly contact ex to do it for you as it's linked to Amazon account.

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 23:38

You can actually factory reset the amazon tablet and then attach it to your own amazon account. Make sure toubset him up a kids account though so if he takes it to ex's house ex can access your stuff.

That could be a way around the whole situation.

MisgenderedSwan · 24/02/2022 23:44

I think not allowing an 8yo access to a fire tablet his df bought for him is a bit ott. My 9 and 7yo have them. They use them for minecraft, spelling shed and times table rockstars (for school) and other games and Netflix/Disney plus. My dh and I monitor their usage.

Being confident using tech is a huge part of the curriculum at school now and they have both benefitted from being familiar with it. Chatting with their friends on minecraft while they play has brought on their typing skills massively and helped them remain in touch when lockdowns / isolations have kept them physically at home.

What are your concerns specifically with him having access to the tablet?

Ericaequites · 24/02/2022 23:55

Your son should not have access to the tablet until you have access to the parental controls. Your ex was quite manipulative with this gift. As for a phone, there is a time and place for everything, and it’s called the summer after year 6.

ChaoticWoman · 25/02/2022 00:01

@MisgenderedSwan

What are your concerns specifically with him having access to the tablet?

That's the difference, you can monitor your sons usage and change parental settings and the iCloud any photos or videos taken on it will be uploaded to. The Op can't as it's linked to her abusive ex Amazon account and he set the pin.

If you didn't have access to any parental control settings like OP doesn't would you still be on with your child having a tablet you can't monitor usage of?

Original poster

MonkeyToez · 25/02/2022 00:33

To clarify I have no problem with general screen time, I'm mid 20s and into gaming myself so we have a house full of consoles (xbox, PS, nintendo) that DS can play games and watch netflix/disney on, a laptop for school work/educational content, shelves full of books and 2 phones from which he can contact Ex whenever he wants. He is not missing out on anything. So for what reason does he need the tablet at my house? I see it as just another source of potential conflict between myself/DS or myself/Ex that I'm not interested in participating in. Also DS is notoriously awful at taking care of his possessions and being able to do so was one of the stipulations we set for him being allowed a phone in the future.

Essentially if DS continues to bring home this tablet then it becomes an extra responsibility that Ex has laid at my feet as ultimately it's me that has to supervise for the 12/14 days that he isn't around. Ex has another child and he actually had the courtesy to ask his mother if it was okay for their DS to bring his tablet home but apparently felt no need to ask me for my opinion on the matter of my own child!

Regarding the photo thing I can see how it could come off as paranoid however I'm 37 weeks pg and the idea of my abusive ex having acess to an online cache of photographs of myself/my house/other child to do with what he pleases makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

@ChaoticWoman @catandbabymama
As far as I can see you need the pin to access any settings or change profiles so I can't alter the parental controls or set up a new account at all!

@Louisianagumbo I have no contact with Ex for various reasons and this has been the case for the 7 years that I've been with DP who has raised DS since he was 2, this is the best for everyone involved so outsiders opinion on this is of very little concern to me and absolutely not relevant to the issue being discussed.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2022 00:36

The OP can easily look at the tablet while her DS is using it. Ex was told not to buy a phone and didn't. It is different to a phone. Any chance he might tell you what the PIN is?

If he only sees his dad 4 times a month he can't use his tablet much. I think that's mean.

Louisianagumbo · 25/02/2022 01:15

I have no contact with Ex for various reasons and this has been the case for the 7 years

But you said in your opening post...
Ex messaged me asking for my opinion on gifting DS said phone for xmas and I told him the rules So how would anyone read that as you not having contact? I only pointed out that he might not appreciate being contacted by your partner because you seemed annoyed he'd not responded. So it was relevant to the issue.

Original poster

MonkeyToez · 25/02/2022 02:10

@Nanny0gg
Is it really fair that I have to take time out of my day to sit and watch over his shoulder to supervise his usage of a device that I didn't give permission for him to have in the first place? Ex has simply provided me with an unnecessary responsibility that I don't want to add to the long list that I already have.

I agree that the fact he sees Ex twice a month leaves little time for him to use the tablet which is why, in his position, I wouldn't have bought it for him in the first place and sent it back with him without permission from the parent that he actually lives with. That absolutely was mean of him.

@Louisianagumbo
Fair enough, I didn't feel it necessary to get into the intricacies of our contact arrangements as they're not really relevant but for clarity's sake; decisions are made by me and communicated by DP to avoid unnecessary conflict. I do not speak to ex personally.

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 25/02/2022 06:16

If you don't want him to use this tablet I think you should be looking into getting him one that you have the controls to.

Telling an 8yo they can't use their Christmas present at your house just sounds so mean to me.

givemeallthecheese · 25/02/2022 08:29

Get your DP to text ex asking for the pin as you're sure he understands you will need to have access to ensure DS is not involved in any concerning chats, etc. Seeing as ex responsibly set up parental controls etc I can't imagine there would be a problem with that. If there is, tablet gets taken away and put away until you have full access for child protection reasons.
Once you have the PIN change it
I think yabu to keep the tablet from the boy indefinitely. Imagine only being able to use your Xmas present from your dad for 4 days a month!?

bridgetreilly · 25/02/2022 09:27

I think you need to ask Ex for the code so you can access the settings, but I think a tablet is really fine at that age. It’s not the same as a phone assuming it doesn’t have 4G, and it won’t get taken to school.

MadeForThis · 25/02/2022 10:05

Tell home the tablet can stay at your house if he gives you the code. If not it goes.

LittleOwl153 · 25/02/2022 10:15

OK. I've just looked at my sons amazon tablet. You cannot factory reset without going into the adult profile which inassume you ex has set up.

Given the issues between you and ex and the fact that ds has plenty of other kit at home to use - I think you have made the right choice. Send it back with him next time he goes to dad's and tell him to leave it there. (I'd probably also check when he gets back to ensure he doesn't have it and if he does hand it back to dad if possible - just to make the point).

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